I can't really explain how I'm feeling
a kinda fuckup kinda way but not really

****
so Trench is here
plus new gfriend
cool cool I can handle that
I can be the big person and actually I am happy to know that he's happy
becuz genuinely I want people to be happy
I don't hate the man
I mean how could I? I dunno how you could hate someone that you were close to etc
but anyway I guess no one ever feels "happy" when the new gfriend is shite

hehe ok I take that back
she seems to be a very nice girl
how do I know her?
no no he didn't introduce me
home girl introduced herself!

hear tune! I'm at the kendal stage and I notice a familiar looking (yet generic hat it was the brand I remembered not a specific hat)
anywho I was speaking to this girl about a t-shirt they could buy and I realised she was not from here

and so I said are you supporting the jamtown team?
yep
cool cool
to make a long story short when I asked who else was here (since I knew alot of them since I was going out with the man)
she said I dunno who you know, THO you MET ALOT OF PEOPLE WHEN YOU WERE THERE IN JUNE
(note the woman asked me if I saw him since he's been here as in face to face BEFORE she let it slide that she knew who I was)

so I stopped for a sec
shades on so my eyes ain't really bulge

she said this twice so I said
I'm sorry but do I know you?

no no but I know you're Trench's ex

Rhaaaatid

so I was like ok and I guess you're his current gfriend?

now I have to admit de girl was brave to step up to me so
I mean I'm not hating anyone but protocol dictates if you de current woman - be introduced
anywho being the cool person I am :)
I spoke with her and had no probs (limed wid her inadvertantly for most of the day, I mean I knew all his friends so I was chilling wid them and she kept coming to lime)
to be honest for a SECOND I had felt like saying, "wow this is kinda weird but I appreciate that you're such a nice person and I can speak to you civilly" no no I have no grudges but you know how women can get (other women that is)

BUT
HOMEGIRL start up (later in the day) about how she and Trench WILL not be going to Barbados for a honeymoon (I ain't see a fucking ring)

and FURTHER when I was showing someone his car she gine say "YES I am the current girlfriend" (uhhhh biatch was I talking to you?)

WOW
I was like
CACKLE!
I couldn't hold it back
I was in shock


I dunno
I guess I would have had issues seeing him
as I haven't seen him since we broke up an' all
so there was bound to be fuck up feelings
but shite
this girl just got me feeling like I dunno
I really dunno

I hate this feeling tho becuz I mean yes I know its natural to feel stupid but I was able to let that stupid feeling slide an' chalk it up to human nature

YET
I feel like I shouldn't even be giving this shite hole a second look
ESPECIALLY wid the attitude homegirl giving me

its probably insecurity (if she had kept up the tirade that she was cool wid meeting me and not at all insecure I woulda felt better cuz to be honest de spiteful side in me feeling I would risk something JUST to see what would happen since she sooooooooo nervous around me)
but I won't that is demeaning and stupid and would encourage SHITE

I feel bad too oddly enough becuz while it is kinda an ego trip to know that I intimidating the girl at the end of the day she has him (not that I want him back or anything) and I have no interest in getting him back - a part of me still feels a little twinge knowing that this girl
who I see as being insecure, quiet, plain (I would put de girl at 15) short VERY sheltered
is the girl that he wants to go out with

now for a little self reflection cuz he isn't the first ex to go for that type of girl (on the outset she could be a freak too ya neva know nowadays)

is there something wrong with me that makes my ex's RUN from me?

I asked that question kinda rhetorically but got an answer from an unlikely source

"well you know you're the bomb so a guy could never do better than you"

hehe
while that is VERY egotistical and ignorant to believe

it made me feel just that much better

I feel like my heart is turning into a giant black hole
I have no kinda emotions any more

that's the best thing about summer
everyone comes home!!!
all my friends coming in
yay I love it

***

what is it about men that just makes them so clueless sometimes?
and I'm not talking about a guy who's supposed to be romantically interested in you and in theory SHOULD be in tune with you but clearly that hardly ever happens

but men on a whole are just like I dunno, they have this gene that just blocks any kinda intuition a girl has
its quite sad

case in point
liming with one of my buddies, I mean this guy is like my little brother
sweet no end, can ask him to do things for me and I'd do anything for him

so we talking about the movie Troy
me: no I haven't seen it yet, all the times I was to go with pplz I hadda work
him: man yeah troy is real cool you'll like it Brad Pitt Body is f*cking amazing (no he is not gay, he is just in tune with the kinda things I like and is able to appreciate good looking men and of course he's secure in his masculinity)
me:yeah ok I wouldn't mind seeing it

so LATER the day, I'm like what you doing later?
him: oh not much just chilling

I call de man about a couple hours later
de man in de cinema
what he watching ? you guessed it!
so HOW could he not know that he coulda called me?
I mean yes the thought crossed my mind that he may have been on a flex which is highly doubtful since he has a girlfriend in Trinidad who's coming in, in a few weeks (yes that is my naive faithful always looking for the best in people side)

*sigh*

I just wanna watch Troy!
:(

no money and no man sucks!

an' its worse when your male friends clueless to all hell

comfort
is that too much to ask for?

********
I'm still sick
and its awful

well exams have ended and summer has officially started
this summer I wanna try (and try hard) to ONLY wear skirts
so far its not so bad
I've been wearing skirts every day
only time I didn't wear a skirt was when I was sleeping and when I was doing smirnoff promos
so I going good

so we'll see how long this lasts!

next thing I wanna do is go thru my wardrobe and clear out any clothes that I don't wear to much or can't wear.....
donate the salvagable ones to the salvation army or something like that

****
I have post exam cold!
well at least it didn't strike as it usually does during my exams or on my birthday!

*****

I can't wait for kadooment
I dunno this summer I think will be great
and not necessarily because of any momentous thing that will happen or could happen
but I think becuz of these last few months my outlook on life has been altered slightly so no matter what happens
I will find some way to enjoy myself or find something good out of it

which is how it should be

:D

sometimes I feel so enlightened
I mean the other day I was just sitting back thinking and I realise that no one ever comes into your life by accident
I mean you may not realise why at the time they are in your life, but somehow or someway the relationship you have with that person has some significance

case in point
sometimes you would be going thru your own kinda hell
you know not really able to see any kinda hope or anything of the sort
and its like the universe arranges for you to meet this person, or be in this particular place where you can "bump" into this person and I mean the whole interaction can be very brief, you may never see them again
or the person can stay with you for several weeks, months, even years
but you meet that person EXACTLY when you needed to meet that person
and you may not realise it at the time but when its important
you realise that person gave you that little something you needed

one more exam
LORD
I have never wished for time to go by before an exam
not to say that I'm TOTALLY prepared but I'm just fed up now
I want it over and done with!

I feel like after these exams I could just SLEEP for the whole of summer
just detoxify my brain

everyone keeps asking what my plans are for summer
but to be honest I would love it if I had no plans at all
just kinda float from day to day
somehow managing to get money every once and a while so that I'm not completely broke

If I could get some form of work, modelling that involved travelling and paying NUFF money!
THAT would be ideal *sigh*
never know! we'll see what happens

ok
so my bithday came and went
wasn't too bad
hung out with the people who matter
you know you feel really special when someone remembers your birthday

**********

Its so funny how people can be
wanting to pass judgement on you
and they guilty of WORSE than they accusing you of (mind you you're innocent of that too)

but anyway so it goes
one more exam
Public International Law 2!
then SUMMER!
loss
can't wait!

I know there is a reason why I don't sleep during the day
!

I dreamt that I was writing, I mean really writing had an editor and all, anyway so I was giving him my edits and then I had to leave the room cuz he was interviewing some people
anywho there was this slightly overweight woman and she ran out the room, well not run she hobbled quickly and I couldn't catch up with her
she went in my room, (it seemed to be an apartment kinda thing) anywho she RAN into my room and went into the bathroom and then missed the toilet! and peed on the ground
wtf

*****
yesterday was a weird day
why is it I put so much faith in people and at the same time don't want to
I mean
I don't expect that people will be "bad" but when they prove that they are
its like my whole world is just crumbled
of course I don't let them know that
but the effect that it has on me is just I dunno
it shouldn't have such an effect but it does

to come to think of it even tho I expect certain actions from men so to speak
it still upsets me when they do
its like the realisation that you don't have anyone to depend on
is really a scary thing
of course not that I think anyone should DEPEND on anyone per se
all that jazz about being independent and looking out for yourself and being born alone still is true
but sometimes I mean you just would like someone to take care of things when you really in need it


here are two songs that are beginning to grow on me

" This Love "
Maroon 5
( Songs About Jane )



I was so high I did not recognize
The fire burning in her eyes
The chaos that controlled my mind
Whispered goodbye and she got on a plane
Never to return again
But always in my heart

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore

I tried my best to feed her appetite
Keep her coming every night
So hard to keep her satisfied
Kept playing love like it was just a game
Pretending to feel the same
Then turn around and leave again

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore

I'll fix these broken things
Repair your broken wings
And make sure everything's alright
My pressure on her hips
Sinking my fingertips
Into every inch of you
Cause I know that's what you want me to do




" Harder To Breathe "
Maroon 5
( Songs About Jane )



How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable
So condescending unnecessarily critical
I have the tendency of getting very physical
So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle

You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here
This Double Vision I was seeing is finally clear
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone
Not fit to funkin' tread the ground I'm walking on

When it gets cold outside and I got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head
You should know better you never listened to a word I said
Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat
Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did


When it gets cold outside and I got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

Does it kill
Does it burn
Is it painful to learn
That it's me that has all the control

Does it thrill
Does it sting
When you feel what I bring
And you wish that you had me to hold

is it so hard for people to be honest
completely honest with people
and not just arbitrary people
but I mean someone that you would put just slightly over the rest
I mean hell why can't people just be honest all the time?
there wouldn't be trust issues if everyone was honest!

whooo
one more exam!

my granny had surgery on her eye today
I mean that is messed up
anytime I think bout it I'm just like AY eyes watering

*****

right just to CLARIFY!
yes SAMANTHA IS THE HO on sex and the city
but that is NOT how I feel analogous to her!

I am not a ho despite what some other evidently more informed people would think
cha den you'se hear tings bout ya self and be like
WHEN did I have the time to do that?
caw blen if I coulda been doing all of that I coulda real take that extra time to study for equitable remedies!

but still the same Samantha is wicked to no end
my idol!
:D

*******
I like the fact that the people who know me, know that I'm cool and safe and genuine,
I feel proud that I've lived my way a certain way and have morals and principles YET still could have fun

I think I should record this day, cuz alot of times people don't always feel too proud of themselves and to be honest that's really sad, I think you should always be proud of yourself at LEAST I mean yeah every so often you do shite but at the end of the day you have to be able to realise it was shite and try to make amends

*sigh* yes I love myself :) its great
I love being me

and I wouldn't change for anything

I swear I have hit the ranks of superstar status!
pplz just have shit to say!

so I been watching sex and the city, I have to say that is the quintessential series to talk about what women thing and how they feel about relationships and so on.......at any given moment I feel like I could relate to one of the girls, Miranda, Carrie, Charlotte and Samatha.

of late I have to say I've been feeling a little like Samantha.......

my birthday is one of those events that I look forward to
I mean I count it down! can't wait!

last year sucked no lie, it was a terrible day, this year is shaping up to be great, even tho I have an exam and won't really be able to enjoy it as fully as I'd like
but I'll make up for it on the 13th
but to tell you the truth as of yesterday I wish my birthday wasn't coming for another couple years!



you know you sit back and see things about your society
things that real suck
and you say see THAT is the problem with our society
but its like no matter what you do it will still be messed up
inequal
unfair!
its like there is nothing you can do about it, if you still back and complain about it you're inadvertantly adding to it
and if you try to fight it you make yourself exhausted in the process and miserable, and no one notices how valiantly you've fought becuz at the end of the day its STILL the same
and all you've changed really is yourself

perhaps that's all you can really do
no one can really effect change unless they change themselves first

I went to watch Dawn of the Dead last nite
hehe I LOVE scary movies!
love it!
nothing better than being jumped out of your skin!

pulling another all niter
I'm getting quite used to seeing outside get brighter and the tv playin REAL shite on tv late at nite

its good to know at least when you sleeping that there's nothing worthwhile ya missing

so I had an exam yesterday at 4 pm that was BEAUTIFUL
if all my exams were like that CAW BLEN!

so I'm here studying some Equitable Remedies for my 9 am exam
had to pull an all niter def not prepared!

I tell ya there is something scintilating about a confident, intelligent, funny guy
has to be the greatest combination in the WORLD

:D

toodles

pulled another all nighter but I believe my paper is DONE!
so now just to resume studying for these two exams!

god I cannot fail!
if I fail I'll have to repeat all this crap again!!

by hook or by crook MUST get thru!!!

there's something a little disconcerting about a guy who will be so stone faced in a business meeting
yet two words and he's telling you anything you want to know

I find that very disturbing that I can wield such power, albeit unwillingly, but still harness it nonetheless

its like I'm meeting all guys, and they are really great, except for one tiny detail, and its not that I can put my finger on it, I mean sometimes its BLATANT that me and him will NOT go anywhere cuz he's just not my type of person.

I wonder if I'm too picky
am I too particular? I mean what's wrong with that? to be honest I don't think you should waste time with someone that you don't want to be around......I mean REALLY REALLY want to be around......it would be better to be alone anyway that to be miserable cuz you're not really happy.

its interesting, this whole distancing thing, I can look at my situation and logically decide what I like and what I don't like

I should have closed for stocktaking AGES ago!
got some stuff in here I didn't even know existed! its amazing what you can find out when you look inside yourself

ok
let me see if I can try to explain my previous blog

A guy SHOULD always respect a woman's opinion and not try to change her mind when its something important, say for example, trying to make her disown her friends, or have sex when she really doesn't want to, or make her lie, something like that.....

however, there are circumstances, when a woman (and a man too) can be very anal, and not really willing to try new things, say for example a relationship with someone they wouldn't ordinarily go out with or something a little more risque that is legal and not morally unethical, by all means the guy has the right to try to persuade the girl to try something new........

in fact sometimes if the guy is really good at persuasion it would make the relationship all the better, note well I say PERSUADE! persuasion is not saying, OHMYGOD you're being such a baby! just try it NUH!!! (that is not persuasion) at all times the guy should respect her opinion, and try to encourage her while still making her feel like she isn't losing anything

HOWEVER, this is not to say, that if a woman makes a point of saying from the get go that she isn't interested in something, the guy should be no really means yes and try to force her into something she doesn't want to do. Forcing is most definitely NOT persuasion, there is a HUGE difference, and I think that's where the problem comes from.

and why is it that men think they can change your mind about something by saying
"no, don't worry you'll see it my way?"

WTF!

is there something wrong with wanting some kinda creativity?

I mean a man is REALLY talented when he can get you do something you wouldn't ordinarily do in a way that you don't even realise
on a dif level the guy should respect your opinion and NOT try to change your mind but see then I'd have to break it down for you for you to understand, why men have to TRY changing women's minds but not piss them off, and still respect the woman's mind at the same time

ok I think I have to rethink that when I get a chance I'll break it down more simply when I get a chance

boy
call me difficult self centered whatever
but if its ONE thing I cannot stand! its a fella who is trying to chat you up, who isn't even going to give you the respect to speak with you with most of his attention.

case in point, I met a guy who is exhibiting most signs of interest, wanting to keep in contact in some form, email, phone number etc, YET, whenever this does happen, communication or contact that is, you can tell he is doing something else, the conversation sounds disjointed, distracted.

now, I really wasn't concerned, (whole closed for stocktaking thing) but I did find it interesting that this guy (and he isn't the first) would act like he's interested, but then have piss poor conversations. I mean communication is the essence of relationships, any kind of relationship, and if people don't at least TRY to talk with each other, and get to understand each other all is lost!

so I asked him, (playing dumb and all) why do you call me and message me? what is your motive,


ME: tell me something
how come you call me and message me?
he says: i think you are a nice person and i would like to get to know you better.....maybe sometime we could go out
Me: but you never really speak to me its very VERY small talk
He says:i know
ME: in fact your friend talks to me more than you do
He says: i am not really a phone person it is not that i dont want to talk..........lately have been a bit busy........
Me: I see (SO WHY IS HE CALLING ME THEN IF HE'S BUSY???) fair enough
anyway have a good nite
He says:you sound upset.........are you? (My real man wouldn't have to ask that question!)
Me: oh no not at all just was unclear if you were attempting to be interested, why you seemed disinterested when you called
he says : i am interested.........are u? (hahah here you go!)
me: in you? to be honest you really haven't impressed me with how you're trying to impress me lack of attention so to speak not my kinda thing but apart from that I'm really not interested in getting involved with anyone
He says:ok.........i was not trying to impress you........just trying to get to know you
ME: no I don't think you were cuz your conversations weren't conversations
so you weren't trying to get to know me

we bantered for a while about whether he was a phone person or not, talking is very important to me
if I can't talk to someone and be interested in what they are saying, and have them at least attempt to be interested in what I'm saying
its pointless


********

you know another thing I've noticed, for men its either ALL or nothing, its either they have you in a relationship or you don't exist to them!
Burn and scottie, you are like diamonds in the rough!
you guys are cool, can lime with me, don't try to fill my head with incessant stupid compliments !

oh that's another thing I REALLY REALLY DO NOT like compliments! the stupid ones that mean absolutely NOTHING
and further more! when they draw my friends aside, to go on about how great I am, I hate that, I really hate that!

why is it men feel that they HAVE to piss you off, just so they can find out how you're going to react?
is it that people like to get you angry? God I hope that's not right

so I pulled an all niter
its amazing what a little bit of stress, four cups of coffee, a red bull and gatorade will do
it will keep you up
I don't even really feel to tired
It's the sheer panic
I tell you once I close my eyes I'll be freaking out that I'm wasting time!

7 days til the exam!
*whew*
BREATHE
BREATHE
BREATHE