talk about an apology
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talk about an apology
I have to say men are gifted at saying the right things JUST when you need to hear it !

so I had school for a week
less two days cuz of Ivan
lord I feel so bad for Grenada and I can only imagine the havoc it will cause as its a category 5 hurricane now and Gilbert that destroyed Kingston was a category 3

as is always the case, the fresher's in Law are a bunch of cutesy girls and no male eye candy...*sigh*
its not that I'm interested I just wouldn't mind being able to look up from my books in the library and see a fella that looks partially good looking
with any luck the other faculties may have been more blessed

BOY I remember when I was in first year
and the MEN
LORD
talk about whiplash
you would just sit down and look at man after man
*sigh*

anyway I'm going to haul my ass down to the byard for the Fresher's fete
Moonshine tonite
I mean what better way to check out the freshers and socialise all in one place
:)

all in all I'd have to say that this summer was a great one
I'd give it an 8
it all started with Daana's birthday and getting her roasted :D
followed with days of liming and hanging out
the rally was cool, and all the surrounding stuff
I guess I learnt alot about myself and what I can tolerate and don't like and that's always good
I was pretty good with my skirt philosphy
wearing skirts 80%-95% of the time

guy:don't you think if you and I had a baby it would be beautiful

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT FELLA

I feel that people, caribbean men particularly taking this sowing the wild oats a step too far

they wanna have a child for fun
to see if it would be cute

I mean a baby is not a simple thing
and can you imagine the emotional scars that child could be aflicted with
I mean props to women and men who raise children alone
but lord children can pick up on the slightest thing
it would not be pleasant to know you were conceived "just to see how you look"

ok so school registration for me is on Wednesday
and I'm really looking forward to having to go to classes

its hard to explain but when I have a blank notebook, and I can fill it up with notes and information over the course of three months I just feel really accomplished and cool
and looking back at my notes I just feel so proud I love it

I love learning
love going to classes and reading books and filling up with information
if I could get paid to study, like do independent studies or something that would be great

****
today I went to the beach
with my home girl Daana
I've been beaching it every other day with someone or the other and its great
even tho I'm still car less the fact that I have friends who decide to call me and say, I'm going to the beach wanna come? is just great

anyway so we're in the water
and listen to me
some damn worm looking like thing that LOOKED like a pine needle swirled itself around Daana's finger
and lemme tell ya
I was out of that water so fast!
I didn't even wit to make sure I saw what I thought I saw

I know the sea is full of a whole bunch of crap that we don't know about
and I keep expecting to see a giant fin come out from no where

the beach today was brilliant tho, worm creature aside
the sea was shallow and Crystal clear
and not too cold
it was TERRIBLY hot today tho
I mean I don't sweat and I was sweating buckets
so you'd understand

*****
this weekend I was privy to some "guy talk"
I have to tell you I felt really priviliged to be a part of the conversation even if I had nothing to contribute
the topic of discussion was who is on their "list"
now let me explain
the list is a list of past gfriends that are off limits for the rest of the "men" [have to use the lingo]
and in the deliverance of said lists, some of the guys were explaining why that particular girl would be "damaged goods" if any of the men "risked" at her

*hehe*

for myself I don't really think I have a "list" per se becuz I was thinking about it
I don't REALLY think that there's anyone I would perceive as damaged goods if say my friends were to start talking to them
but then again I dunno

what does that mean tho
does that mean that I've killed my emotions for those fellas?

sometimes I feel like my emotional side is gone
I get momentary lapses when its like some kinda hormonal imbalance
but generally I'm not bothered not upset not jealous *too much*

but when I do let it bother me its the worse feeling in the world

******
I have come to realise that men can have mood swings with symptoms damn near to drug overdoses

****


the bane of my existence
and I don't even think that he knows he has this kinda effect
sometimes I feel like its like a romance novel
you know bare your soul and reap the rewards
UNFORTUNATELY I'm too much of a cynic and I think that inevitably
if I let my guard down too much
he will do some shite to fuck it up
and that is when its going to hurt the most
so I'm cool with us being friends
I'm such a chicken :(

I LOVE how there's someone at the end of the races who just HAPPENS to have a flag of the winning contingent, and just hands it over so they can run with it

:D

RIGHT!
Big up de Dance Hall Fraternity!!!

Saturday NITE
I gine an' bash out in de VIP section at
Black Chiney
yeah true VIP style is only who you know dat gine get you in there
lord that sounds so booogey!
anyway
if anyone wants to be in that section, lemme know, its $40, with a private bar, possibly waitresses, chairs and ting

Neysa I know you're my bashment partner since Vanya, Joia and Tonya and all dem not here, so if you know anyone (friends preferably) that you know that would wanna go in that section leave me a message

there's something oddly comforting about Big Bird
a giant bird who is just so obtrusive and humongous
but yet he tries really hard to be small
as in keep out of people's way

its really interesting
sometimes you feel like you're larger than life, huge
and all you're doing is trying to keep out of people's way
but no matter how hard you try your damn tail keeps knocking over shit

it makes you wonder
you shouldn't really ever try to be something you're not
its not fair to anyone and more than that
its definitely not fair to yourself

right now I feel like big bird,
maybe even bigger
and as much as I tried to keep out of people's way
that damn tail is just fucking up everything

I thought about clipping it
honestly
or maybe even a big scrunchie or something
but the tail just wouldn't keep down

but you know what I realise must be the best option
I need to stay out of places with stuff that my tail can knock over

Again
it happened again
I'm so tired of this shit
"it's not you its me I'm complicated"
well I have had enough
I am STILL closed for stocktaking in fact I think this shop is closing indefinitely
I hate men!
hate them
I hate how they can weedle their way into your attention and when you think ok its not so bad and kinda open up and then they do some shit
some REAL shite and you just feel stupid and ignorant for even giving them a chance
and I HATE feeling stupid
and what is more now today is acting as if nothing happened
and I'm being a temper tantrum feening female to get on like this
*ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

so of late, I've noticed that I've been feeling a little less than confident around a particular friend of mine
this is of course causing me no end of confusion because this person is a person who up till recently I felt very comfortable around
and I am not really too sure what it is that has changed that has made me be nervous around him

****

recently too, I've noticed that things that would have irritated me or upset me before, aren't
and strangely enough, I kinda like that
its like I'm putting things into a different kind of perspective, the grief and heartache I went thru before, it doesn't seem like its worth it to get like that over something that's inconsequential and something that I could ignore

***
Fallen by Lauren Wood (from the Pretty woman soundtrack)

I can't believe it,
you're a dream comin' true.
I can't believe how I have fallen for you.

And I was not looking,
was content to remain.
And it's ironic to be back in the game.

You are the one who's led me to the sun.
How could I know that
I was lost without you...

And I want to tell you,
you control my rain..
And you should know that
you are life in my veins.

You are the one who's led me to the sun.
How could I know that
I was lost without you...

I can't believe it,
you're a dream comin' true.
I can't believe how I have fallen for you.

And I was not looking,
was content to remain.
And it's erotic to be back in the game.

YO!

Genesis Designs

Pauline Bellamy

Pat Brathwaite

this is from the Look, dressed in Simon/Peter

this photo is by Nicki again, and I'm wearing actual Shak Shak leaves, makeup was by Jamaican born, and cool girl Shauna Llewellyn

playing in the sand, by another Barbadian photographer, Dave Cox

this is a photo from my portfolio, taken by a talented Barbadian photographer, who's now based in Canada, Nicki Roswell Anderson

I got this email today
talking about some show that the bbc had on, saying that Barbados was involved in some kind of slavery, and this was a direct result of all the non-nationals who are now purchasing the land and this was a fault Owen Arthur becuz he allowed these people to buy the land

NOW what kinda of stupidness is that

Barbadians don't buy their own products, they don't support their own ever, bajan business owners have no kind of solidarity from bajans and it goes on.

There is this mentality of always wanting to be BETTER,
you can't afford a new cell phone, but you buy it anyway becuz its better,
you can't afford to shop in supercentre but you do cuz its better
you can't afford to pay your bills, your electricity might be cut off but you have all kind of brand named clothes becuz some stupid ass Rap singer on the most RACIST channel I've ever watched name drops

what the fuck is that

Bajans don't HAVE the money to invest in their own and BUY the fucking land themselves
and for that Owen Arthur is responsible???
WHAT the hell

and even if they did
I doubt that they would buy it

Barbadians are accredited as being some of THE most intellectual and intelliget people in the commonwealth, in this region of the world

but good grief
simple economics, if we invest in our OWN first, our own businesses can then afford to purchase the land and the property and then it will truly be "ours"

I went to the logos today
it was GREAT
I bought 4 books, literature anthologies
for $5 each
I LOVE it
that is how books should be
EDUCATION of any kind should be free

I love books
I must have bought about 12 books!

I just realised
that one of my literature books is missing
I HATE when I lend a book to someone and forget about it
now I don't know who I lent it to
its gone

I treasure my books
:(

and now its gone

I've been feeling very artistic of late
I went and bought some pastels and charcoal and some sketch pads
I also bought a notebook and a new pen so that I could do some writing
I feel that my muse is in gear
I mean like she's really kicking in all of a sudden
I mean not that I've done anything of any merit yet
BUT
I feel the need to


which is something I haven't felt in a while

its strange
in my mind's eye I keep having this image of a woman with her throat tied up
she can speak and breathe and operate as normal but what the cords are constricting
are the things she wants to say that no one will let her say

its an image I get alot of
and for the life of me I can't think of anything I want to say that I am not saying

but anyway
the other day I was reading a cosmo
and there was this woman who was suffering from writer's block and the advice that the person in the column said was
imagine you have a blue light illuminating from your throat
shining thru your neck and it comes out from your neck thru your nose and eyes and finger tips

and somehow that image is helping me

***
I'm actually looking forward to school
I really think last semester I was burnt out like dry toast
!
and this summer has been exactly what the doctor ordered
I would have liked to have travelled a teensy bit more (I did NO travelling)
but hey money doesn't grow on trees so what can I say

I realise more and more that life is incredibly short, or long depending how you look at it
but you should never take for granted the things you have in front of you
in plain sight

and if ever there is something that you think you might want, or need
that you should go after it immediately

and while quarrelling is important
it really isn't necessary
and you shouldn't waste time on shit like that!

If We Must Die by Claude McKay

If we must die, let it not be like hogs
Hunted and penned in an inglorious spot,
While round us bark the mad and hungry dogs,
Making their mock at our accursed lot.
If we must die, O let us nobly die,
So that our precious blood may not be shed
In vain; then even the monsters we defy
Shall be constrained to honor us though dead!
O kinsmen! we must meet the common foe!
Though far outnumbered let us show us brave,
And for their thousand blows deal one deathblow!
What though before us lies the open grave?
Like men we'll face the murderous, cowardly pack,
Pressed to the wall, dying, but fighting back!

Trick me : Kelis

Wooo
This is It Yeah
Wooo
Said I've paid my dues for all that i've done
And I showed you that I love you more than once
Theres nothing left there to decide
Said you might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice
Freedom to us has alwayz been a trick
Freedom to u has alwayz been who ever landed on your dick
Seen it in you one too many times
Said you might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice no
Might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice
Might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice no
Might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice
No I won't let you trick me twice
Those days are old and overdone
And it's only cause i'm not with you that you make me number one
Though I may love you
It hurts me deep inside Oh
Now you no longer have to hide
I used to be down with the late night hit
Started gettin' heavy when I really wasn't ready
Used my past to get in my mind
So I fell for your lies like all the time
I thought you were the shit to be playin around
Call the police theres a mad girl in town
Could'nt get even here without a sound
It's not how I wanna get down Yeah (You)
Might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice
Might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice no
Might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice
No I won't let you trick me twice
No I won't let you trick me twice
And I've paid my dues all that i've done
And I showed you that I love you more than once
Theres nothing left there to decide
Ooh Trick me I won't let you trick me twice
You might trick me once
I won't let me trick you twice
You might trick me once
No I won't let me trick you twice no
You might trick me once
No I won't let me trick you twice
Woooo
Peace
Woooo
Woooo
Woooo

Fella
oh i had a blast
SUCH A BLAST I STILL AINTMAKE IT TO WORK YET
me: haha
you're back home now?
Fella:
yeah left yesterday
me:
glad you had fun
Fella:
had a cool time even tho u aint callme up to take me out LOL
Me:
um
how was I to call you?
Fella:
just joking booo
but i did see u at baje and u loooked right at me and didnt even recognize me

me:
haha I saw you what once?
lord man


That is a classic example of someone being just a tad bit unreasonable
now I don't know this guy
never met him before
a friend who wasn't coming home asked me to give him my number and take care of him and his 5 jamaican female friends when he got here (yes five)
so I gave him my number
the man NEVER called me
I ran into him one time at Berger Boys and then never again
he claims I looked at him BUT I know this weekend I've be suffering from shortsightedness or something cuz someone would be right in front of me and I miss them completely

****
it may seem strange but I never really thought about guys having feelings
I mean of course they have feelings but somehow I just figured they were alot more stoic than girls
I mean a guy can be sensitive about things and emotional but in a guy way you know?
and sometimes the things that you do may end up hurting them and you don't even realise
don't get me wrong I try to be conscious of people's feelings
but I have to admit it kinda surprised me when this particular guy winced in pain by something I did

*****
tonite I'm going on a double date with Daana and two interesting fellas
:)
we gine have TWO hours of HORROR MOVIE THRILLS!
yes!
the village!!!!!


****

there is something exceptionally attractive about an intelligent guy
a guy who knows alot
I mean
its a little intimidating but at the same time oddly thrilling and exciting

picture this scenario
stretched out on a couch watching Mona Lisa Smile, in awe of all the paintings and how the "characters" could rattle off the names with ease, and thinking to myself I need to have some more culture in me, and be able to identify paintings and eras like that
when on the screen a crate opens and a mammoth painting is "unveiled" for want of a better word
now I was just staring at this painting becuz it was gorgeous absolutely gorgeous
and the two intellectual men in my presence begin to talk

"is that Pollock?"
"hmmm it might be, I'm not sure"
cut to Julia Roberts saying this is Jackson Pollock.....
"very good!"

I ain't speak yet mind you cuz I was still like ??? who is that?
mind you I'm still kinda proud of myself becuz its like in some part of my subconsciousness I recognised the painting and when he said Pollock I knew who he was talking about but...wow
that's all I have to say
wow

he knows so much and says so many things that I didn't think he'd know

its cool

MAN
I am in SUCH a good mood now
I hazard to say that this was the best Kadooment I ever had but it was MILES better than last year (last year I was jumping wid a VERY VERY unexpected visit from Aunt Flo) how bout I ON the Track and I say lemme go to the bathroom!
heart palpitations inna ONE

THIS YEAR
was great

in a costume that was blue, wid BEADS!!!! (yeah so them ain't wanna gi we beads I gine stick them on myself!)

at the front of the truck doing all the flag woman dances!!!

I get hoist up but the stiltmen or ...the moko jumbies as this trini man informed me I was wrong to call them stilt men hehe

and EVEN tho my feet were having spasms and I felt like I mash up my muscles and bones!
it was GREAT
BRILLIANT!


I could SO jump up again today!!!

that is the epitome of greatness tho
with your friends, friendly people having a good time people around you working hard to make sure everyone was happy!

*sigh*
and even tho some people were in another band we were still able to meet up and lime for a bit!

and I went to ALL the fetes!! saw the matrix wuk up and just LOVE it

I love being a west indian!
absolutely LOVE the fact that I can go out feting in a short pants
get paint on me
drink rum and gingers and be out with my friends and just have a blast
(note to self need another word OTHER than blast)

and even tho many people were like the music was ugh
man Come together and that rum song and sugar cane and can't done
all them songs just were great, I mean it wasn't even the music now, I was dancing to anything
and all the music from years before
THAT is what Kadooment is supposed to be like!!!

the only thing that could make this feeling even better
is if I had some food now
or a barbeque!!!

so today
I was on the set of the Rupee video "tempted to touch" with some video hoes
now to be honest
I dunno their sexual orientation they were very nice girls
the only thing that qualifies them as being hoes is the fact that they been in NUFF videos

its so funny how bajans can push things away

Rupee wanted desperately to have some bajan talent in this shoot but was overruled by his director Hype Williams and the representative from Atlantic Records

and as much as he tried to get bajans involved he gine still get bad minded by the bajans
:"he gets  more love in tnt"
is that really true?

are we so anal?

*******

I met a girl who deliberately dresses scanky cuz she likes it
and further more
says that she goes out alone and comes back alone and its the girls who dress all demurely that are the skanks

mind you the girl says all this with her fling batty walk and slack jaw

but on some kinda level I have to understand where she's coming from

anyone who judges how she is cuz of how she dresses is ignorant
but it does beg the question whether how she dresses encourages that line of thought
so you're kinda in a quandry
whatever she wants to do that makes her happy is important
skank or not

 

Don't Stop by Janet Jackson
 
This is sick
"Attention it's time to dance..."
Chorus Work it like you're working a pole
Shake it 'til you're shaking the floor
Pop it like you're poppin' a cork
Don't Stop, Don't Stop
Jerk it like you're making it choke
Break it like you're breakin' a code
Drop it till you're taking it lower
Drop it, drop it...
This is serious I'm delirious
So oblivious I could dance all night
With you
As long as its funky
This rhythm just makes me high
I'm like a junkie
I could dance all night
Chorus
So intoxicated I'm so stimulated
Feel so X-rated I could dance all night
As long as it's funky
This rhythm just makes me high
I'm like a junkie
I could dance all night
Chorus
Bridge
Everybody on the floor (Let's go)
Let's get hardcore (Get low)
Make my sweat pour (Oh no)
Don't stop (Gimme some more)
Ooh my body's yours (spank that)
Spank that back door (like that)
Drive me like a Porsche' (yea)
I could dance all night
Can we take this party higher?
Now just put your hands to the sky and
Clap, clap, clap, clap
I could dance all night
Chorus (repeat) Repeat Chorus

I Don'tby JULIE ANN MALLETT
I don't want to look into your eyes,
You’ll just deceive me with your lies.

I don't want to let you into my heart,
You’ll just tear it all apart.

I don't want to look at you and smile,
You’ll just make me cry after a while.

I don't want to say, "I love you,"
You’ll just laugh and call me a fool.

I don't want to give you any part of me,
Please just leave... and let me be.
 
*********
 
so I was in the show the Look on Sunday
I really thought more people could have been there
but I had fun still
 
not sure if I "tore it up" per se
but I had fun
I was stepping
bitch mode and ting!
 
****
ok so saturday
my boy calls me to tell me he misses me
this after he cusses me on thursday
 
somehow I can't help but feeling ... I dunno
used
used is a good word
 
no apology for how he treated me but he feels that he can call and say he misses me
AND say we should have done the same thing I told him to do that he cussed me for
 
ARRGH!
 
I don't care
 
I do NOT care that he missed me
 
cuz I'm pretty sure if he had hooked up with some woman he wouldn't have missed me
oh men are so fickle
 

 

what is this obsession men have with the quiet girl outside, freak inside?
I mean
they want a girl who outside is quiet and reserved
but then they want this total reverse when its just the two of them

*******

I HATE being jealous
and I HATE being teased about it
even more

and I HATE when there's nothing to be jealous about but its like the irrational side of me coming out


****
of late I've been feeling like I've been coerced into doing something I don't what to do
and all of that with out my knowledge or permission

its been this subtle thing

well I shouldn't say without my permission
cuz no one can make you do anything you don't want to do

I bought a radio for my car!!!!!!!!!
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its so funny how life just makes sure you can't get ahead of yourself

here I was starting to feel comfortable
and its like "silly rabbit that's not for you!"

how dare he say I'm overreacting
what does he even know about anything
I swear men sometimes can be so dense its not funny

****
I remember seeing my grandpa
sitting on the verandah doing his crossword puzzles
and something came up to prompt him to say "Jeal-Ous-CEE!!!!"

it was with this kinda sing songy voice

at the time I can't really say I remember what it was he was talking about
I just remember vehemenantly protesting that I could ever be jealous

but what's so wrong with being jealous?

I don't mean over the top jealous like rip off someone's head jealous

but slight twinges of jealously can't be that bad
once you can control it

*********
I watched Frida last nite
now I have to say that was a movie I found extremely interesting
I don't know if it was the fact that it was so REAL as in the characters and how they reacted to things
or the fact that her paintings were just so unlike anything I've ever seen

it was interesting the kind of relationship Diego had with Frida
he was cheat on her
she would get angry but then accept it
"it was just a fuck..meant nothing like a handshake"
everything was different when he fucked her sister
she went crazy
and again he said it meant nothing

they stayed married
for the whole of the movie

oddly enough
the idea of coupledom is not so offensive as it was before

I guess it all depends on the circumstance

I still am not prepared to be in a relationship like that
but I must admit that the thought of it doesn't make my skin crawl as it did before

its actually kinda nice

don't get me wrong I always liked the idea of being a half of a couple
its just my perspective has changed

******

I SAT down in the middle of broadstreet yesterday

haha

there was a fashion show in the middle of broadstreet
I love runway!

a friend of mine got signed to IMG
how cool is that

as from tomorrow I am HOUSESITTING!!

I love housesitting! absolutely LOVE it
they have a pool and such a cool house

*sigh* I can't wait til I get my own place !

guy asks
"I should be in Barbados next week so will I see you"


I don't know
those kinda questions annoy me
will I see you
that's like asking is it going to rain three weeks from now
the only possible answer is I don't know
its a cop out way to ask something
if you want to see me say
Lani
I'm coming xyz day can I take you out to lunch on that day
not
will I see you
steupse

*****

I babysat these two kids today
took them to the wildlife reserve and chefette or rather 'da fete' according to Dan-dan

children are so cool they see things so differently than adults
I wonder when I stopped seeing things like how a child does

I went on a cruise the other day
apart from the men who were bartending
I was the only "black" person on the boat

now I have to admit it was a little odd
(quite easily I could have been older than everyone there too)

it was kind of empowering to know that I had the most rhythm on that vessel :D

*********

so my grandmother suggested
converting the guest room we have into my room
and giving my brother my nicely painted blue room

I know I'm being silly becuz the guest room would give me a little more independence it being slightly apart from the house and all

but I finally got my room how I like it
and to give it up and all

to my 7 year old brother just seems slightly unfair

plus the fact that my furniture won't really fit upstairs
AND the back of the house is kinda I dunno I know I'm being silly but its scary out there
and dark!

but I guess we could make it more secure
but then my brother would have my room!!!!! MY ROOM!
my sanctuary!!!!!

*sigh*
what to do what to do!

******

I went to my old ballet school's prizegiving
just to help out
its good to do random acts of helpfulness every once and a while

:D
I LOVE dancing
I love it

I miss it so much
I think I'm going to go to a dance workshop this evening :D

it is so cool to see a person who looks kinda plain
but when they get on a stage and PERFORM! I mean REALLY perform dance their hearts out
its just wonderful!

I think I'd like to donate a prize for my dance studios prizegiving

I'd call it the personality prize
for the dancer that exudes the most personality whenever they dance

last nite I dreamt about a fella

ok so I was at some fete, ummm not sure exactly where, but anyway I was all about jumping up and doing dixie as per usual
so then there was this plethora of men just walking past apparently I knew them but we (cuz I was liming with a girl, could only be Daana but I'm not sure) were pretty tired and just sitting down

so anyway the guy came over and started talking to me
and I dunno something about him I was just entralled in him I dunno
why

steupse then I woke up

sometimes you have dreams and then you wake up and still kinda feel all nice and stuff from the dream

Suffie
I'm REALLY sorry you think I was being disrespectful
but especially becuz my mother has no idea about this blog I don't think I was being disrespectful
I have no problem speaking the way I did
I was not being disrespectful
and further more the way I handled the situation with her
I think I should be given an award for how I spoke to her
you have know idea what kind of person my mother is
or the kind of issues that she lays on me and my grandmother and my brother

when you have some semblance of an idea of where I'm coming from then you can tell me whether or not I was being disrespectful

with everything that happened this week I forgot to blog how my weekend was
my weekend started on Thursday.. with Berger boys SHORT pants fete
that the pplz refuse to wear shorts....

had a minor exchange with the bane of my existence...who thinks that split personalities are fun

Friday....BAJE!
:)
got painted up and ting! I mean I was worried Baku and all but caw blemma it was burse!

and BARE people that you haven't seen as Daana said, BARE hugs and ting
LOVE it

and two thirds of the hot boys in so it was great

and one thing I have to say people were actually dancing!

that is a problem I've been encountering, when I go out, me and my friends are some of the only people dancing? why you gine pay money to just stand up? I mean you can do that for free in your house?!
I don't get pplz

Saturday
Power X 4 was washed out I'm slightly biased I know!
Moonshine was washed out BUT it wasn't desolate like Power X 4
rain did NOT stop people from jamming people were not standing up afraid to get their imi shoes muddy
and might I say, boatyard is just a place where you can go and be yourself...no body checking

I'm not so into foam, but I have to admit it wasn't bad this time, it didn't have the stifling affect that I would get if I was in say extreme

I ran into some interesting people too
more on that later!


Sunday.....
went to this "pool" party.... the pool was a 7 foot hole with dirty water a WHOLE set of posers or "dibby pplz trying to be bougie"
I mean its true, people like to say that bougie people just pose, but let me tell ya these people ain't MOVE bare statutes in the "fete"
I think its a bajan thing, don't wanna dance, or "free up yourself" as the djs ask them to

and I'm sorry but Old dub just ain't cutting it for me any more
its the same 20 songs just in a different order...
same thing for calypso
is there something wrong with playing MUSIC? not just one genre with a select 15 songs?

as much as Daana knocks it
I like the new dub, with the dances...becuz its not so much about Bad man this or that and its cool seeing people DANCING together rather than just wukking up and getting on skanky

I mean it grates on me to be out and see the proverbial circle gathering around some skitily clad woman who is in the splits on the ground doing god knows what
don't get me wrong
I would go to the dancehall queen show and have fun! them women are talented
but does it have to be EVERYWHERE?


after that went lounging in the gap
again with my Bane
I like liming with fellas well dressed fellas at that!

the highlight of the night (for them at least) was when this 19 year old guy came and sat down next to me (when I was next to two guys mind you)
so I have to say he was kinda brave
I shot him down easy (him being 2 feet shorter than me and all)

but I hadda draw the line when he asked me if my boyfriend minds if I dance with other people (a very loaded question to find out if I had a boyfriend or not)
SO I hadda do the whole
oh THIS is my boyfriend you wanna ask him yourself???

not that I wanna lie to someone but I just really wasnt about the hassle of having to say no I don't have a boyfriend and hear the multitude of questions that could ensue

so I copped out and said my bane was my man
*shakes head*
I know this will come to bite me in the ass!

its amazing how much one person can be a BITCH
and just fuck up your day with a few carefully placed malappropisms


no matter how hard I try
my mother will CONTINUE to piss me off

she called me on my cell phone to bitch about me using her towel
HER TOWEL
a crime I was innocent of mind you !
steupse

and has been PICKING and PICKING at my grandmother and has been complaining about my puppy Gin, mind you I've done everything I was supposed to do...clean up after him, feed him but NO she has to have it her fucking way and get on like a johnnie

****

it is not fun getting cussed for something you are TOTALLY innocent of
not at all!

D: i am going to ask my friend from new york to join me... for the wedding in bim
me: N? whoooo that sounds serious
D:yeah.... I spoke to her, she seems to like the idea
me: careful you're inviting her to meet your family at a WEDDING she may think you guys are planning something!!!!
D: wow... didn't see it like that
me: yes men never do of course she liked the idea
D: I just would hate being there date less.... so I thought that would be smart
me: haha men look for a quick fix never see the whole picture
D: I sure didn't see that one coming It's too late though, cause I already ask... would look bad if I go say something now
sent her money for her outfit and everything
me: I mean it would be mean if you don't really feel that way about her to be serious about her cuz that is some SERIOUS hints

D: see I need a woman
me:you don't need a woman you're a big man you can do things yourself its not fair of you to do that to her you're just using her
me: you don't want to be lonely so you called her you can't be bothered to buy your own clothes so you got her doing that for you
that is very cruel and very mean
me:good grief what kinda games you trying to do to the girl
its men like you that make me sick frig with women's heads
and turn them into psychos
d:
yeah I had a few of those so u think it was me
me:I don't deny there are psycho women but I really do think that the men encourage that kinda behavious not intentionally sometimes
but more often than not its that back and forth mixed signals shit that mess with women's heads
D: true well i hope she doesn't

"so if i was to ask u to go out wid me so i could get to kno u better wha would u say?"

what kinda fucking question is that?
that ranks up there in stupidity with the

so if I asked you for your number you would give me?

or

if I were to call you you would talk to me?

grow some balls man
man up
ask a question take a risk
these iffy questions are STUPID

ok
so why the fuck you'se got these women who are just so insecure that they feel they have to let all and sundry know "YES I have a boyfriend!!! yay for me"

steupse

it seems to be a psychosis the "former gfriend illness"

picture this

current gf, boyfriend and me liming (sorta) I am the ex, from two years
been there wrote the book bought the t-shirt

my girl cgf has to parade the fact that she is the girlfriend
me...I teaching her how to play dominoes, no malice, really nice to her
and what do I get? "OOOOH baby....I have to gi' you a kissy wissy bcuz I hurt your feely weelings??"

what the hell

steupse
again I say
I could drop the catty former gfriend routine but that is so not like me
but why they have to instigate uh?? why

ok so I spent the morning running errands with my granny
got the shock of my life to see I passed the exam I thought I failed.....
AND I got a little blast from the past

ran into this guy who I was interested in back in the day.....
now for the life of me I can't remember WHY we didn't hook up....I know there must have been SOMETHING but I can't remember

one thing I remember this fella was into poetry and words...he had a very soothing voice and I remember one conversation he gave me a massage over the phone (hehe)
its funny how you meet someone and say wow they are NOT for me
but then meet them years later and say...now what was wrong with them?

he probably has a gfriend now, cuz he is definitely cute, really nice smile educated, motivated (he works for himself) and just an all round nice fella.......

what the hell was I thinking?? why didn't we get together?? I may have to confer with my committee

so I had a pretty interesting and invigourating nite last nite

someone got fired at work and it was PANDEMONIA
steupse
Lani was NOT getting in that at all

I kept quiet and only really freaked out when I broke a glass
:'(

other than that I'd say it was a cool nite
went to hlights and saw in my baby brother's birthday!!!
:D

then I just chilled for the rest of the nite

its really cool when you have good people around you its as if you can feel the healing powers they exude
I love it
I wonder if I have that same effect on other people too
I hope I do because its a great feeling

of late I've been getting these phone calls from an ex from back in the day
now I try not to be mean or unkind to my exes...thing is I REALLY don't trust this guy

that is bad seems as though I'm going against my resolution not to make assumptions of pplz

BUT judging from the fact that we broke up mainly cuz he wanted me to do things I didn't want to do .... AND the fact that he has a psychotic ex gfriend (more and more I think that when there's a psycho ex girl, the man had more to do with her condition than he lets on) makes me think that when he calls to "chill" he's up to no good

apart from that
he and I are REALLY different and have very little in common (yes not a good reason to diss the man) and it makes me think that hanging out with him would be very uncomfortable, with him probing into my bizness!

Summertime,
And the livin' is easy
Fish are jumpin'
And the cotton is high

Your daddy's rich
And your mamma's good lookin'
So hush little baby
Don't you cry

One of these mornings
You're going to rise up singing
Then you'll spread your wings
And you'll take to the sky

But till that morning
There's a'nothing can harm you
With daddy and mamma standing by

Summertime,
And the livin' is easy
Fish are jumpin'
And the cotton is high

Your daddy's rich
And your mamma's good lookin'
So hush little baby
Don't you cry

Hee-hee!
Ooh!
Go on girl!
Aaow!

Hey pretty baby with the
High heels on
You give me fever
Like I’ve never, ever known
You’re just a product of
Loveliness
I like the groove of
Your walk,
Your talk, your dress
I feel your fever
From miles around
I’ll pick you up in my car and we’ll paint the town
Just kiss me baby
And tell me twice
That you’re the one for me

The way you make me feel
(the way you make me feel)
You really turn me on
(you really turn me on)
You knock me off of my feet
(you knock me off of
My feet)
My lonely days are gone
(my lonely days are gone)

I like the feelin’ you’re
Givin’ me
Just hold me baby and i’m
In ecstasy
Oh I’ll be workin’ from nine
To five
To buy you things to keep
You by my side
I never felt so in love before
Just promise baby, you’ll
Love me forevermore
I swear I’m keepin’ you
Satisfied
’cause you’re the one for me
The way you make me feel
(the way you make me feel)
You really turn me on
(you really turn me on)
You knock me off of my feet
Now baby-hee!
(you knock me off of
My feet)
My lonely days are gone-
A-acha-acha
(my lonely days are gone)
Acha-ooh!

Go on girl!
Go on! hee! hee! aaow!
Go on girl!

I never felt so in love before
Promise baby, you’ll love me
Forevermore
I swear I’m keepin’ you
Satisfied
’cause you’re the one for
Me . . .

The way you make me feel
(the way you make me feel)
You really turn me on
(you really turn me on)
You knock me off of my feet
Now baby-hee!
(you knock me off of
My feet)
My lonely days are gone
(my lonely days are gone)

The way you make me feel
(the way you make me feel)
You really turn me on
(you really turn me on)
You knock me off of my feet
Now baby-hee!
(you knock me off of
My feet)
My lonely days are gone
(my lonely days are gone)

Ain’t nobody’s business,
Ain’t nobody’s business
(the way you make me feel)
Ain’t nobody’s business,
Ain’t nobody’s business but
Mine and my baby
(you really turn me on)
Hee hee!
(you knock me off of
My feet)
Hee hee! ooh!
(my lonely days are gone)

Give it to me-give me
Some time
(the way you make me feel)
Come on be my girl-i wanna
Be with mine
(you really turn me on)
Ain’t nobody’s business-
(you knock me off of
My feet)
Ain’t nobody’s business but
Mine and my baby’s
Go on girl! aaow!
(my lonely days are gone)

Hee hee! aaow!
Chika-chika
Chika-chika-chika
Go on girl!-hee hee!
(the way you make me feel)
Hee hee hee!
(you really turn me on)
(you knock me off my feet)
(my lonely days are gone)

(the way you make me feel)
(you really turn me on)
(you knock me off my feet)
(my lonely days are gone)

I love sex and the city
its such an interesting series
I'm this close to buying the dvds

****
lord he's making me out to sound like I was just under his skin
to be honest I really don't want to talk to him
I'm not going to be mean or anything
but he was kinda hurtful
and I don't need that he making me sound like some little girl
that he hadda shoo off what the fuck is up with that?
and I know it wasn't like that AT ALL
I mean all the things he was accusing me of he was equally guilty of too

that is just shite
don't try to make it seem like I'm doing mess and you're not doing anything either

the male species is delusional
always reverting to the use of the word clingy FAR too fucking fast
I mean I was distressed
I hadda sit back and rationalise did I REALLY get on like how he was saying I did??
steupse
I know I didn't
I don't WANT a fucking relationship
for what to deal with that fucking stress???
NO
I don't want it!

I slept for the WHOLE day

I REALLY don't know how that was possible!
***

so here's the deal
got this guy who is trying very hard to chat me up
but not in a way I like
as if he's only interested in me physically so I really not feeling him

on a whole he is a very nice guy but the problem is he seems to be fixated on physical aspects of me

I mean I would like someone who appreciates me for all of me not just the tangible parts

and I mean not that I'm sentimental (well I guess I am) but it would be nice to hang with someone and not have this expectation that they gine get some looming over the conversation

what's wrong with just liming uh? watching a movie and just talking?

*shakes head*
I don't get it
is that too much to ask

so I was awoken around 7 this morning to look at a dot on the sun

funny thing is we couldn't actually look at the sun since we didn't have the right apparatus and risk blindness
so we watched it on tv

*rolling eyes*

technology man apparently hasn't reached my grandmother yet

I have a gift voucher from dingolay
so I think I'm going to go out today and look for some new shoes
the temptation to stay home and watch dvds is HUGE
but I think I need to go out and see some pplz
I think I'm getting pasty (that is of course after my nice tan peeled off leaving only my shoulders tanned so I look like I have some rare skin problem!


the thing is
I really love staying home and chatting with my friends who are away online
I mean it sounds kinda geeky yes
but to be honest a great majority of my friends live overseas and to be able to speak to them is GREAT

its interesting how the mind and heart work
your mind could be telling you one thing but your heart is totally on a different wavelength and the combination of the two leaves the rest of your body fucked up

no matter how I try I haven't been able to lick this feeling
to stop myself from feeling the way I feel

its no where near as bad as it was before

but yet its a recurrent feeling that just flares up when certain things happen
one thing is for sure my heart doesn't hurt but its like my brain is determined to keep me in this fucked up state

I find myself fighting back tears when I really shouldn't even be paying that person a second thought
judging myself FAR too harshly when it takes two people most of the time
and setting myself up for disappointment
burn is right I think about things too much
need to let things go

if ever I learn anything from my mother is that I need to let things go

just let go

OK
so the skirt plans are going well!
I only broke it one nite I went to work when i was sick and cold and needed to cover up.....
plus of course smirni promos dictate that I have to wear pants

oh and I hadda wear shorts for the rally I mean to be honest I COULD have risked it but climbing up in canefields etc I dunno how comfy I woulda felt with that much easy access

so I feel cool I mean it may seem like a small thing but I like wearing skirts all kinds
I just remembered I really used to wear alot of skirts before
I'm finding skirts in my closest that I didn't even remember about

*****
of late I've met some fellas who are seemingly uncomfortable with the amount of male friends I have
which I find amusing
I'm sure they have as many female friends
why is it an issue? they are just my friends
its funny how men know how other men think
and they are adamant that women and men CANNOT jus tbe friends
maybe that's true
but for now my male friends I dunno they ground me so to speak

not to say that I can't talk to my girl Daanz when things are going awry
but its just the male perspective on things is so...interesting
and to be honest my friends are very cool they have restored my faith in men
and each of them (I mean my really close friends) have such a different perspective which is very enlightening

*****
looking at a baby sleeping is VERY relaxing!

why do people seem to be interested in you
and then
all of a sudden act like they aren't interested?

I mean why do people do that?

my biggest problem with humankind is that people aren't honest with themselves or other people

how much easier would life be if people were just upfront all the time

I'm proud of myself
I'm having one of those moments when I say girl I'm glad I'm me!
:D

I went to see shrek 2 today all I have to say is I LOVE the cat!

****
I think one of the most important things for me is a guy who can communicate with me
who I can understand and talk to and he can answer me back
it is a COMPLETE turnoff to KNOW a guy wants something and doesn't know how to ask for it or get it

I can't really explain how I'm feeling
a kinda fuckup kinda way but not really

****
so Trench is here
plus new gfriend
cool cool I can handle that
I can be the big person and actually I am happy to know that he's happy
becuz genuinely I want people to be happy
I don't hate the man
I mean how could I? I dunno how you could hate someone that you were close to etc
but anyway I guess no one ever feels "happy" when the new gfriend is shite

hehe ok I take that back
she seems to be a very nice girl
how do I know her?
no no he didn't introduce me
home girl introduced herself!

hear tune! I'm at the kendal stage and I notice a familiar looking (yet generic hat it was the brand I remembered not a specific hat)
anywho I was speaking to this girl about a t-shirt they could buy and I realised she was not from here

and so I said are you supporting the jamtown team?
yep
cool cool
to make a long story short when I asked who else was here (since I knew alot of them since I was going out with the man)
she said I dunno who you know, THO you MET ALOT OF PEOPLE WHEN YOU WERE THERE IN JUNE
(note the woman asked me if I saw him since he's been here as in face to face BEFORE she let it slide that she knew who I was)

so I stopped for a sec
shades on so my eyes ain't really bulge

she said this twice so I said
I'm sorry but do I know you?

no no but I know you're Trench's ex

Rhaaaatid

so I was like ok and I guess you're his current gfriend?

now I have to admit de girl was brave to step up to me so
I mean I'm not hating anyone but protocol dictates if you de current woman - be introduced
anywho being the cool person I am :)
I spoke with her and had no probs (limed wid her inadvertantly for most of the day, I mean I knew all his friends so I was chilling wid them and she kept coming to lime)
to be honest for a SECOND I had felt like saying, "wow this is kinda weird but I appreciate that you're such a nice person and I can speak to you civilly" no no I have no grudges but you know how women can get (other women that is)

BUT
HOMEGIRL start up (later in the day) about how she and Trench WILL not be going to Barbados for a honeymoon (I ain't see a fucking ring)

and FURTHER when I was showing someone his car she gine say "YES I am the current girlfriend" (uhhhh biatch was I talking to you?)

WOW
I was like
CACKLE!
I couldn't hold it back
I was in shock


I dunno
I guess I would have had issues seeing him
as I haven't seen him since we broke up an' all
so there was bound to be fuck up feelings
but shite
this girl just got me feeling like I dunno
I really dunno

I hate this feeling tho becuz I mean yes I know its natural to feel stupid but I was able to let that stupid feeling slide an' chalk it up to human nature

YET
I feel like I shouldn't even be giving this shite hole a second look
ESPECIALLY wid the attitude homegirl giving me

its probably insecurity (if she had kept up the tirade that she was cool wid meeting me and not at all insecure I woulda felt better cuz to be honest de spiteful side in me feeling I would risk something JUST to see what would happen since she sooooooooo nervous around me)
but I won't that is demeaning and stupid and would encourage SHITE

I feel bad too oddly enough becuz while it is kinda an ego trip to know that I intimidating the girl at the end of the day she has him (not that I want him back or anything) and I have no interest in getting him back - a part of me still feels a little twinge knowing that this girl
who I see as being insecure, quiet, plain (I would put de girl at 15) short VERY sheltered
is the girl that he wants to go out with

now for a little self reflection cuz he isn't the first ex to go for that type of girl (on the outset she could be a freak too ya neva know nowadays)

is there something wrong with me that makes my ex's RUN from me?

I asked that question kinda rhetorically but got an answer from an unlikely source

"well you know you're the bomb so a guy could never do better than you"

hehe
while that is VERY egotistical and ignorant to believe

it made me feel just that much better

I feel like my heart is turning into a giant black hole
I have no kinda emotions any more

that's the best thing about summer
everyone comes home!!!
all my friends coming in
yay I love it

***

what is it about men that just makes them so clueless sometimes?
and I'm not talking about a guy who's supposed to be romantically interested in you and in theory SHOULD be in tune with you but clearly that hardly ever happens

but men on a whole are just like I dunno, they have this gene that just blocks any kinda intuition a girl has
its quite sad

case in point
liming with one of my buddies, I mean this guy is like my little brother
sweet no end, can ask him to do things for me and I'd do anything for him

so we talking about the movie Troy
me: no I haven't seen it yet, all the times I was to go with pplz I hadda work
him: man yeah troy is real cool you'll like it Brad Pitt Body is f*cking amazing (no he is not gay, he is just in tune with the kinda things I like and is able to appreciate good looking men and of course he's secure in his masculinity)
me:yeah ok I wouldn't mind seeing it

so LATER the day, I'm like what you doing later?
him: oh not much just chilling

I call de man about a couple hours later
de man in de cinema
what he watching ? you guessed it!
so HOW could he not know that he coulda called me?
I mean yes the thought crossed my mind that he may have been on a flex which is highly doubtful since he has a girlfriend in Trinidad who's coming in, in a few weeks (yes that is my naive faithful always looking for the best in people side)

*sigh*

I just wanna watch Troy!
:(

no money and no man sucks!

an' its worse when your male friends clueless to all hell

comfort
is that too much to ask for?

********
I'm still sick
and its awful

well exams have ended and summer has officially started
this summer I wanna try (and try hard) to ONLY wear skirts
so far its not so bad
I've been wearing skirts every day
only time I didn't wear a skirt was when I was sleeping and when I was doing smirnoff promos
so I going good

so we'll see how long this lasts!

next thing I wanna do is go thru my wardrobe and clear out any clothes that I don't wear to much or can't wear.....
donate the salvagable ones to the salvation army or something like that

****
I have post exam cold!
well at least it didn't strike as it usually does during my exams or on my birthday!

*****

I can't wait for kadooment
I dunno this summer I think will be great
and not necessarily because of any momentous thing that will happen or could happen
but I think becuz of these last few months my outlook on life has been altered slightly so no matter what happens
I will find some way to enjoy myself or find something good out of it

which is how it should be

:D

sometimes I feel so enlightened
I mean the other day I was just sitting back thinking and I realise that no one ever comes into your life by accident
I mean you may not realise why at the time they are in your life, but somehow or someway the relationship you have with that person has some significance

case in point
sometimes you would be going thru your own kinda hell
you know not really able to see any kinda hope or anything of the sort
and its like the universe arranges for you to meet this person, or be in this particular place where you can "bump" into this person and I mean the whole interaction can be very brief, you may never see them again
or the person can stay with you for several weeks, months, even years
but you meet that person EXACTLY when you needed to meet that person
and you may not realise it at the time but when its important
you realise that person gave you that little something you needed

one more exam
LORD
I have never wished for time to go by before an exam
not to say that I'm TOTALLY prepared but I'm just fed up now
I want it over and done with!

I feel like after these exams I could just SLEEP for the whole of summer
just detoxify my brain

everyone keeps asking what my plans are for summer
but to be honest I would love it if I had no plans at all
just kinda float from day to day
somehow managing to get money every once and a while so that I'm not completely broke

If I could get some form of work, modelling that involved travelling and paying NUFF money!
THAT would be ideal *sigh*
never know! we'll see what happens

ok
so my bithday came and went
wasn't too bad
hung out with the people who matter
you know you feel really special when someone remembers your birthday

**********

Its so funny how people can be
wanting to pass judgement on you
and they guilty of WORSE than they accusing you of (mind you you're innocent of that too)

but anyway so it goes
one more exam
Public International Law 2!
then SUMMER!
loss
can't wait!

I know there is a reason why I don't sleep during the day
!

I dreamt that I was writing, I mean really writing had an editor and all, anyway so I was giving him my edits and then I had to leave the room cuz he was interviewing some people
anywho there was this slightly overweight woman and she ran out the room, well not run she hobbled quickly and I couldn't catch up with her
she went in my room, (it seemed to be an apartment kinda thing) anywho she RAN into my room and went into the bathroom and then missed the toilet! and peed on the ground
wtf

*****
yesterday was a weird day
why is it I put so much faith in people and at the same time don't want to
I mean
I don't expect that people will be "bad" but when they prove that they are
its like my whole world is just crumbled
of course I don't let them know that
but the effect that it has on me is just I dunno
it shouldn't have such an effect but it does

to come to think of it even tho I expect certain actions from men so to speak
it still upsets me when they do
its like the realisation that you don't have anyone to depend on
is really a scary thing
of course not that I think anyone should DEPEND on anyone per se
all that jazz about being independent and looking out for yourself and being born alone still is true
but sometimes I mean you just would like someone to take care of things when you really in need it


here are two songs that are beginning to grow on me

" This Love "
Maroon 5
( Songs About Jane )



I was so high I did not recognize
The fire burning in her eyes
The chaos that controlled my mind
Whispered goodbye and she got on a plane
Never to return again
But always in my heart

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore

I tried my best to feed her appetite
Keep her coming every night
So hard to keep her satisfied
Kept playing love like it was just a game
Pretending to feel the same
Then turn around and leave again

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore

I'll fix these broken things
Repair your broken wings
And make sure everything's alright
My pressure on her hips
Sinking my fingertips
Into every inch of you
Cause I know that's what you want me to do




" Harder To Breathe "
Maroon 5
( Songs About Jane )



How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable
So condescending unnecessarily critical
I have the tendency of getting very physical
So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle

You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here
This Double Vision I was seeing is finally clear
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone
Not fit to funkin' tread the ground I'm walking on

When it gets cold outside and I got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head
You should know better you never listened to a word I said
Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat
Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did


When it gets cold outside and I got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

Does it kill
Does it burn
Is it painful to learn
That it's me that has all the control

Does it thrill
Does it sting
When you feel what I bring
And you wish that you had me to hold

is it so hard for people to be honest
completely honest with people
and not just arbitrary people
but I mean someone that you would put just slightly over the rest
I mean hell why can't people just be honest all the time?
there wouldn't be trust issues if everyone was honest!

whooo
one more exam!

my granny had surgery on her eye today
I mean that is messed up
anytime I think bout it I'm just like AY eyes watering

*****

right just to CLARIFY!
yes SAMANTHA IS THE HO on sex and the city
but that is NOT how I feel analogous to her!

I am not a ho despite what some other evidently more informed people would think
cha den you'se hear tings bout ya self and be like
WHEN did I have the time to do that?
caw blen if I coulda been doing all of that I coulda real take that extra time to study for equitable remedies!

but still the same Samantha is wicked to no end
my idol!
:D

*******
I like the fact that the people who know me, know that I'm cool and safe and genuine,
I feel proud that I've lived my way a certain way and have morals and principles YET still could have fun

I think I should record this day, cuz alot of times people don't always feel too proud of themselves and to be honest that's really sad, I think you should always be proud of yourself at LEAST I mean yeah every so often you do shite but at the end of the day you have to be able to realise it was shite and try to make amends

*sigh* yes I love myself :) its great
I love being me

and I wouldn't change for anything

I swear I have hit the ranks of superstar status!
pplz just have shit to say!

so I been watching sex and the city, I have to say that is the quintessential series to talk about what women thing and how they feel about relationships and so on.......at any given moment I feel like I could relate to one of the girls, Miranda, Carrie, Charlotte and Samatha.

of late I have to say I've been feeling a little like Samantha.......

my birthday is one of those events that I look forward to
I mean I count it down! can't wait!

last year sucked no lie, it was a terrible day, this year is shaping up to be great, even tho I have an exam and won't really be able to enjoy it as fully as I'd like
but I'll make up for it on the 13th
but to tell you the truth as of yesterday I wish my birthday wasn't coming for another couple years!



you know you sit back and see things about your society
things that real suck
and you say see THAT is the problem with our society
but its like no matter what you do it will still be messed up
inequal
unfair!
its like there is nothing you can do about it, if you still back and complain about it you're inadvertantly adding to it
and if you try to fight it you make yourself exhausted in the process and miserable, and no one notices how valiantly you've fought becuz at the end of the day its STILL the same
and all you've changed really is yourself

perhaps that's all you can really do
no one can really effect change unless they change themselves first

I went to watch Dawn of the Dead last nite
hehe I LOVE scary movies!
love it!
nothing better than being jumped out of your skin!

pulling another all niter
I'm getting quite used to seeing outside get brighter and the tv playin REAL shite on tv late at nite

its good to know at least when you sleeping that there's nothing worthwhile ya missing

so I had an exam yesterday at 4 pm that was BEAUTIFUL
if all my exams were like that CAW BLEN!

so I'm here studying some Equitable Remedies for my 9 am exam
had to pull an all niter def not prepared!

I tell ya there is something scintilating about a confident, intelligent, funny guy
has to be the greatest combination in the WORLD

:D

toodles

pulled another all nighter but I believe my paper is DONE!
so now just to resume studying for these two exams!

god I cannot fail!
if I fail I'll have to repeat all this crap again!!

by hook or by crook MUST get thru!!!

there's something a little disconcerting about a guy who will be so stone faced in a business meeting
yet two words and he's telling you anything you want to know

I find that very disturbing that I can wield such power, albeit unwillingly, but still harness it nonetheless

its like I'm meeting all guys, and they are really great, except for one tiny detail, and its not that I can put my finger on it, I mean sometimes its BLATANT that me and him will NOT go anywhere cuz he's just not my type of person.

I wonder if I'm too picky
am I too particular? I mean what's wrong with that? to be honest I don't think you should waste time with someone that you don't want to be around......I mean REALLY REALLY want to be around......it would be better to be alone anyway that to be miserable cuz you're not really happy.

its interesting, this whole distancing thing, I can look at my situation and logically decide what I like and what I don't like

I should have closed for stocktaking AGES ago!
got some stuff in here I didn't even know existed! its amazing what you can find out when you look inside yourself

ok
let me see if I can try to explain my previous blog

A guy SHOULD always respect a woman's opinion and not try to change her mind when its something important, say for example, trying to make her disown her friends, or have sex when she really doesn't want to, or make her lie, something like that.....

however, there are circumstances, when a woman (and a man too) can be very anal, and not really willing to try new things, say for example a relationship with someone they wouldn't ordinarily go out with or something a little more risque that is legal and not morally unethical, by all means the guy has the right to try to persuade the girl to try something new........

in fact sometimes if the guy is really good at persuasion it would make the relationship all the better, note well I say PERSUADE! persuasion is not saying, OHMYGOD you're being such a baby! just try it NUH!!! (that is not persuasion) at all times the guy should respect her opinion, and try to encourage her while still making her feel like she isn't losing anything

HOWEVER, this is not to say, that if a woman makes a point of saying from the get go that she isn't interested in something, the guy should be no really means yes and try to force her into something she doesn't want to do. Forcing is most definitely NOT persuasion, there is a HUGE difference, and I think that's where the problem comes from.

and why is it that men think they can change your mind about something by saying
"no, don't worry you'll see it my way?"

WTF!

is there something wrong with wanting some kinda creativity?

I mean a man is REALLY talented when he can get you do something you wouldn't ordinarily do in a way that you don't even realise
on a dif level the guy should respect your opinion and NOT try to change your mind but see then I'd have to break it down for you for you to understand, why men have to TRY changing women's minds but not piss them off, and still respect the woman's mind at the same time

ok I think I have to rethink that when I get a chance I'll break it down more simply when I get a chance

boy
call me difficult self centered whatever
but if its ONE thing I cannot stand! its a fella who is trying to chat you up, who isn't even going to give you the respect to speak with you with most of his attention.

case in point, I met a guy who is exhibiting most signs of interest, wanting to keep in contact in some form, email, phone number etc, YET, whenever this does happen, communication or contact that is, you can tell he is doing something else, the conversation sounds disjointed, distracted.

now, I really wasn't concerned, (whole closed for stocktaking thing) but I did find it interesting that this guy (and he isn't the first) would act like he's interested, but then have piss poor conversations. I mean communication is the essence of relationships, any kind of relationship, and if people don't at least TRY to talk with each other, and get to understand each other all is lost!

so I asked him, (playing dumb and all) why do you call me and message me? what is your motive,


ME: tell me something
how come you call me and message me?
he says: i think you are a nice person and i would like to get to know you better.....maybe sometime we could go out
Me: but you never really speak to me its very VERY small talk
He says:i know
ME: in fact your friend talks to me more than you do
He says: i am not really a phone person it is not that i dont want to talk..........lately have been a bit busy........
Me: I see (SO WHY IS HE CALLING ME THEN IF HE'S BUSY???) fair enough
anyway have a good nite
He says:you sound upset.........are you? (My real man wouldn't have to ask that question!)
Me: oh no not at all just was unclear if you were attempting to be interested, why you seemed disinterested when you called
he says : i am interested.........are u? (hahah here you go!)
me: in you? to be honest you really haven't impressed me with how you're trying to impress me lack of attention so to speak not my kinda thing but apart from that I'm really not interested in getting involved with anyone
He says:ok.........i was not trying to impress you........just trying to get to know you
ME: no I don't think you were cuz your conversations weren't conversations
so you weren't trying to get to know me

we bantered for a while about whether he was a phone person or not, talking is very important to me
if I can't talk to someone and be interested in what they are saying, and have them at least attempt to be interested in what I'm saying
its pointless


********

you know another thing I've noticed, for men its either ALL or nothing, its either they have you in a relationship or you don't exist to them!
Burn and scottie, you are like diamonds in the rough!
you guys are cool, can lime with me, don't try to fill my head with incessant stupid compliments !

oh that's another thing I REALLY REALLY DO NOT like compliments! the stupid ones that mean absolutely NOTHING
and further more! when they draw my friends aside, to go on about how great I am, I hate that, I really hate that!

why is it men feel that they HAVE to piss you off, just so they can find out how you're going to react?
is it that people like to get you angry? God I hope that's not right

so I pulled an all niter
its amazing what a little bit of stress, four cups of coffee, a red bull and gatorade will do
it will keep you up
I don't even really feel to tired
It's the sheer panic
I tell you once I close my eyes I'll be freaking out that I'm wasting time!

7 days til the exam!
*whew*
BREATHE
BREATHE
BREATHE

boy yesterday was a whopper of a day, I was blindsided by the news of Kregg Nurse's death, I mean I didn't even know that he was in the hospital.....I mean this guy used to come lime with the smirnoff ice girls real cool such a shame.....

yesterday was apparently the 5th anniversay of the Columbine shooting, and three months since my grandpa died

needless to say I was offset, for most of the day and not really knowing why....it was only til later on that I realised what yesterday was.

plus the fact that I'm actively stressing about my upcoming exams, and paper yes I know I played the ass this semester
but I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to fail anything!
surely that must count for SOMETHING!

:D

my GOODNESS
sometimes men are just so fricking stubborn! they just do NOT listen to a word that comes out of you mouth
and its as if they just see your face and the words are mute, they not hearing you!
ARRGH!

I cannot stand that!

cut grass always made her feel hungry

I sat down here trying to think of a story but it was as if the words of old stories wouldn't leave my fingers.

I want to write about how I feel, but I don't even know how I feel, my head is just filled with useless information to the point that when I try to put anything else in there....it won't fit.

I look up from my screen, does he know what he does to me? I mean does he really?
Its as if his eyes could just grab my attention, and anything else that happens are irrelevant or unnecessary.

there are so many qualities he has that remind me of someone special

is true you know
sometimes you have to depend on yourself becuz when you really need someone's help that's the head time you can't find them

imagine I'm talking to someone about something fairly serious that happened to me today
and they gine just brush it off
and say I'm being selfish since I didn't even ask how their day went

I've been noticing this kinda trend

**********

I think as much as I would like to say its not true, its important for me to have someone that I can depend on, and even while I type this its like I'm fighting in myself becuz that seems like some kind of weakness
but, sometimes I may be too strong, and I'd like someone who can appreciate my strengths but realise when I need my own kind of comforting without making me feel like a 2 year old

sounds pretty paradoxical huh?

I think there is ONE guy who would understand that and be able to execute it as well!

*****

I would like nothing more than to just relax
just stretch out on a bunch of cushions in front the tv and watch all of my favourite shows
with some food, and an endless supply of some form of liquid

it would be nice too if I could get a neck rub
or a foot rub

********
so one part of my legal degree for this semester is finished
had to hand in the memorial for one of my courses
DONE !

5 courses to go!

so now I have to finish another assignment
then I have 4 more exams! April 29-May13th!

then its LADIES NITE!

Daanz we celebrating your bday from the 13th yuh hear so clear ya calendar from THEN!
save up your money! make sure you have some cute clothes
cuz we going out and DE-STRESS!

don't feel we won't be feteing that nite too uh

men will never change
and I say that for both ways
if you have a good guy he will always be a good guy, he'll get misguided and go down the wrong path, but invariably (I hope) he'll end back on the right one

bad guys now
will be like that FOREVER

can you believe! Trench has a gfriend, and believe me I am well over that guy, I was actually slightly happy(cuz I really could care less) when he told me
but you believe this idiot
pulled the same shit on me, that he did on his ex when we were going out

he's going to be like he misses things with me etc etc
so I said boy you know this all sounds VERY familiar
and if you aren't careful the same thing that happened with me will happen with this new girl

men don't realise they need to respect their women, when she's not infront them too!

line worthy of note!
on men and serious relationships:
"you can continue having your fun and your outside relationships, don't stop becuz you think I want you to but stop when you have had enough, becuz you'll realise I'm SO much more than any other girl you could ever want to mess around with"

so here I am again
exams round the corner
this year I really am up shit creek tho
I mean last year given my emotional status I was just in the library CONSTANTLY
this year
I don't think I remember where to find the law journals!

God what have I done to myself!
anyway all is not lost its good to have friends!
pplz been giving me their old notes and collecting handouts for me
so its just for me to read them
READ THEM
that is the hard part
they soooooooo long and drawn out
I swear we doing the most boring topics this year

they so DRY
who cares if the court can grant a certiorari mandamus????
I certainly don't

so first he says he don't want anything serious
BRILLIANT cuz I am most definitely STILL closed for stocktaking
INDEFINITELY!

now he says that he wants to do more meaningful things together
nigga please
I know that trick

I ain't want no meaningful times together for you to think I getting caught up
ban that!

man men are confused
for once I know what I want and what I definitely DO NOT want
and when I let the man know that
I jealous, (big joke) I trying to make things serious (bigger joke)
I mean I think I gine have to walk around with a sign saying
NOT INTERESTED and I MEAN IT!

when someone has the ability to get under your skin and completely infuriate you
its one of two things
either this person is just very gifted at being an asshole
or for some assinine reason what this person thinks affects you

how DARE he make me feel this angry so easily and then have the nerve to say "I can't talk to you when you're like this, you're too moody and miserable, I have work to do"

wft
he makes me so angry I could hit him!

all men and I do mean this are barely worth the space they occupy
every last one of them in my experience has had some ulterior motive for anything they do

case in fucking point
he's going to tell me that I'm moody, and ask me if I'm rashole pms-ing
I mean there should be a friggin manual about this
if a man asks this even says pms beware of fireworks!
GOD!

I hate this feeling....I can't get angry and shout cuz if I do essentially what this asshole wants will be accomplished and that is to get to me!
so I have to simmer
deal with this shit
I can literally feel my blood pressure rising

so
every so often you meet a fella and you just have to give the man props

props/stripes cuz he's just say stuff that is SO true minus the bullshit and everything

so I reason to the man

I don't want to be a girl that men reason is a heart breaker

and he says: that heartbreaker crap is bullshit
they just label her that cuz they weren't man enough to hold her down

................

for ONCE a man speaks the truth!

maybe its me
maybe I'm adding to this confusion and not really understanding what I'm doing
so everytime I think its the men
its really me

anyway
I think I gine do what a very smart girl said to do
release my part B
or rather embrace it

I done feeling sorry for men
done second guessing myself cuz I think I may be hurting someone
I haven't lied to anyone
I have no reason to
so we gine just leave it at that

again I say
men are an enigma onto themselves
stress can't done

SO
today Ludacris walked past me
the Ludacris

he gine be at some club tonite in DC

hehe
BOY is he short tho!

ok so here I am in Washington
I have to say I am REALLY excited to be in this competition
so far I met people from Serbia, Egypt, Pakistan, Poland the list goes on, there are teams from 80 countries
and everyone is so friendly and willing to conversate its GREAT
I love being in these intellectual things
all these bright minds! I LOVE IT!

well the stress level is ok with my team
one particular member like she freaking out but I tie that down to her being REALLY nervous and excitable
*shrug* so its not too bad
we're staying at the TABARD inn
quaint is TOO nice a description
its not bad but its like a 10 minute walk (IN THE COLD) to the competion hotel
and up something like 5 flights of stairs!
not cute

Washington is REALLY pretty
I was actually surprised I didnt' think it was so pretty
and on the road to the white house there are all these cherry trees blossoming it looks a little like snow on the mountain
REAL pretty

so we moot tomorrow (officially me and my partner) at 9, our team moots today tho at 4:30 so we'll be there in "court"!

again I shall go on record
A PLAGUE on all people who talk my name and ain't even know that LANI isn't my RASHOLE name!

so we have a little (well HUGE) family war going on here in my house
and to add icing to the cake I leave for Washington on Sunday
it just seems like all the people around me are plagued with anger and rage
petty arguments and insecurities

I need to meet a serene person
someone I can just talk with who has no opinions
no insecurities and who doesn't want anything from me
I can't give any more

I guess honestly now would be one of those life defining moments
will I stand up and face the full brunt of these attacks
or run away and just let them try to sort themselves out

I'm so tired of being put in the middle of it

Boy grandpa
I really miss you
now more than ever
the people in this house just quarrelling quarrelling I remember when you just used to be there
cool
like if nothing bothering you
you wouldn't argue in this petty way
in fact you'd crack a joke
my mother quarrelling, my granny even my aunt
I dunno what to do

they just keep fighting and shouting and I can't stop them and they keep dragging me into it
I don't want to stay home
if I stay home they will drag me into it
I haven't gone to classes, I don't feel motivated
I tried the football thing for a while and now I just don't even want to do that
the moot is next week and I just don't even want to go anymore
I am just so tired

pplz from Sandy lane like they on drugs
call me to do a show for them
and talk bout payment in kind
like Sandy Lane Can't afford to pay me

****
my grandmother has me soooo vex
today is my mother's birthday
and for whatever reason she and my grandmother fighting
I dunno
so now she giving me attitude
what I do? I dunno
then she say she don't want us to speak to her
and now she coming asking me shite
steupse
I HATE that
why the fuck if she and my mother fighting (note my
mother out hear?) I gotta get involved
its like she gotta SUFFER the most......all she saying
is NOBODY thinks about how SHE feels
what the fuck s
she was the only person that lost someone?
steupse
its my mother's frigging birthday
the first one without her father
and my grandmother pick up and go out to lunch with her
friends
and surprised that my mother would be upset
and then trying to "fix" things by asking ME to call my
mother's friends over for tea
she ain't even do it herself
and then now when she gives her some gift and a card
signed only love mummy and my mother starts crying
again she says we ain't taking into consideration how
SHE feeling

Happy birthday mummy

just so when you think everything is going fairly ok
some jackass is say SOME shite to fuck you up!

I really don't understand what it is about women that makes it impossible for them to work together

MEN are just a plague in my side
why they's feel they could lie to you
TALK real ignorance
and when you call them on it
they ain't even have the balls to come clean!

a REAL man would come clean if he was caught in a lie
FURTHER more a REAL man would have no reason to lie to me at all
cuz I would accept his indiscretions on the basis that he was a REAL man!

*****
so I been having stress with this whole trip to washington
not for anything that I don't think I can't handle
but
it's just dealing with people, women to be precise that I having the problem with

so I went to see the passion of the christ
'parently Satan (yes he stars a role in there) is played by a female actor
now

one may ask
WHY?

there is no actor for God (obviously) but there is a scene where Satan and Mary (Jesus' mum) kinda square off across the street....
I wonder if he (Mel Gibson) deliberately picked a female actor (trust me she don't look or sound female) to play Satan to be the antithesis of the Mother Mary......

yesterday was St. Paddy's day
had very limited green on
but clearly it was enough
hehe

*****
its really amazing how you would know someone and not necessarily look at them a certain way....but given the right light...and alcohol content its like the blinds in your eyes are opened and you realise

wow when they smile it lights up their whole face and their teeth are actually kinda appealing

hehe

*****

I think if I meet a guy
who puts his hands on me in a way that I've thought about
if he does it the right way
caw blen I dunno what I would do .....

FOR that REASON I am not going to expound on the way I want a guy to put his hands on me I do remember this is a public forum

note well this is PURELY unsexual
this is just in everyday touching nothing sexual about it AT all

a simple hand placed on a certain body part in public is very exciting and intimate
:)