ok so I changed my mind about my date
he's still a great person yes
but I'm not into him
it was just me being me and falling into a guy just becuz

I have this knack for making a guy seem like a demi-god without even knowing I'm doing it
I internalise EVATING they say
digest every word they utter

I set them up to fall off the pedestle I put them on
its not their fault really
(but that could just be me overcompensating)

*sigh*

death is so final
I mean I know that sounds like commonsense
but we live in a world were that's FINAL never means that's it

think about it when you're diagnosed with some terminal illness doctors fight day and night to keep your frail body alive
they put you on life support
fill you with tubes
give you medicine to make you live
cut off things before you heaven forbid DIE!
and then lawyers, appeal and appeal and appeal a case after its been decided

don't we know that NO means NO
and when your time is up that's it??

it doesn't seem so

I went to the funeral
I went to the gravesite
I went to her house and when I heard auntie Jo speaking in a voice so close to hers
for ONE moment I wasn't freaked out
becuz CLEARLY that had to be auntie Betty
there was NO way she was dead
none at all

she cannot be dead!
I can't accept that
how could she be dead??
she can't be dead

Why auntie Betty? Why her? I feel so guilty for not going to see her when I had the chance

when I was in her house I felt certain she'd walk around the corner and be like "hey Lani what's up, how's school going? how the boys treating you"

but she didn't and she won't

I just am so lost right now I don't understand why

exams in 16 days
god help me!
6 100% courses!!!

sometimes there are so many things on my mind I can't figure out what I want to blog
its true I can write pretty much anything here
and you guys have to read it !!!
heheheheheheh
there's a little bit of power in that idiocy!

I went to see Love Actually again
*sigh*
that is what I want
I want what Sam had for Joanna
I want a guy to work hard for me
learn an instrument or something
:)
hehe
looking back I've been the one who approached my fellas
so maybe I need to just lay back
relax and let a guy come to me
hehehehehe
a guy like KARL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yummy

****

I met a fella the other day, who didn't believe me when I told him I was single

I have nothing to say to that

he thinks I was lying to him now why would I lie to a stranger first things first
and second why would I lie to a stranger

its so funny how people assume things of you/other people
and can be so completely wrong

I have to admit I'm so guilty of that too
I wish I didn't do that
its such a bad thing for anyone to do