so here I am again
exams round the corner
this year I really am up shit creek tho
I mean last year given my emotional status I was just in the library CONSTANTLY
this year
I don't think I remember where to find the law journals!

God what have I done to myself!
anyway all is not lost its good to have friends!
pplz been giving me their old notes and collecting handouts for me
so its just for me to read them
READ THEM
that is the hard part
they soooooooo long and drawn out
I swear we doing the most boring topics this year

they so DRY
who cares if the court can grant a certiorari mandamus????
I certainly don't

so first he says he don't want anything serious
BRILLIANT cuz I am most definitely STILL closed for stocktaking
INDEFINITELY!

now he says that he wants to do more meaningful things together
nigga please
I know that trick

I ain't want no meaningful times together for you to think I getting caught up
ban that!

man men are confused
for once I know what I want and what I definitely DO NOT want
and when I let the man know that
I jealous, (big joke) I trying to make things serious (bigger joke)
I mean I think I gine have to walk around with a sign saying
NOT INTERESTED and I MEAN IT!

when someone has the ability to get under your skin and completely infuriate you
its one of two things
either this person is just very gifted at being an asshole
or for some assinine reason what this person thinks affects you

how DARE he make me feel this angry so easily and then have the nerve to say "I can't talk to you when you're like this, you're too moody and miserable, I have work to do"

wft
he makes me so angry I could hit him!

all men and I do mean this are barely worth the space they occupy
every last one of them in my experience has had some ulterior motive for anything they do

case in fucking point
he's going to tell me that I'm moody, and ask me if I'm rashole pms-ing
I mean there should be a friggin manual about this
if a man asks this even says pms beware of fireworks!
GOD!

I hate this feeling....I can't get angry and shout cuz if I do essentially what this asshole wants will be accomplished and that is to get to me!
so I have to simmer
deal with this shit
I can literally feel my blood pressure rising

so
every so often you meet a fella and you just have to give the man props

props/stripes cuz he's just say stuff that is SO true minus the bullshit and everything

so I reason to the man

I don't want to be a girl that men reason is a heart breaker

and he says: that heartbreaker crap is bullshit
they just label her that cuz they weren't man enough to hold her down

................

for ONCE a man speaks the truth!

maybe its me
maybe I'm adding to this confusion and not really understanding what I'm doing
so everytime I think its the men
its really me

anyway
I think I gine do what a very smart girl said to do
release my part B
or rather embrace it

I done feeling sorry for men
done second guessing myself cuz I think I may be hurting someone
I haven't lied to anyone
I have no reason to
so we gine just leave it at that

again I say
men are an enigma onto themselves
stress can't done

SO
today Ludacris walked past me
the Ludacris

he gine be at some club tonite in DC

hehe
BOY is he short tho!

ok so here I am in Washington
I have to say I am REALLY excited to be in this competition
so far I met people from Serbia, Egypt, Pakistan, Poland the list goes on, there are teams from 80 countries
and everyone is so friendly and willing to conversate its GREAT
I love being in these intellectual things
all these bright minds! I LOVE IT!

well the stress level is ok with my team
one particular member like she freaking out but I tie that down to her being REALLY nervous and excitable
*shrug* so its not too bad
we're staying at the TABARD inn
quaint is TOO nice a description
its not bad but its like a 10 minute walk (IN THE COLD) to the competion hotel
and up something like 5 flights of stairs!
not cute

Washington is REALLY pretty
I was actually surprised I didnt' think it was so pretty
and on the road to the white house there are all these cherry trees blossoming it looks a little like snow on the mountain
REAL pretty

so we moot tomorrow (officially me and my partner) at 9, our team moots today tho at 4:30 so we'll be there in "court"!

again I shall go on record
A PLAGUE on all people who talk my name and ain't even know that LANI isn't my RASHOLE name!

so we have a little (well HUGE) family war going on here in my house
and to add icing to the cake I leave for Washington on Sunday
it just seems like all the people around me are plagued with anger and rage
petty arguments and insecurities

I need to meet a serene person
someone I can just talk with who has no opinions
no insecurities and who doesn't want anything from me
I can't give any more

I guess honestly now would be one of those life defining moments
will I stand up and face the full brunt of these attacks
or run away and just let them try to sort themselves out

I'm so tired of being put in the middle of it

Boy grandpa
I really miss you
now more than ever
the people in this house just quarrelling quarrelling I remember when you just used to be there
cool
like if nothing bothering you
you wouldn't argue in this petty way
in fact you'd crack a joke
my mother quarrelling, my granny even my aunt
I dunno what to do

they just keep fighting and shouting and I can't stop them and they keep dragging me into it
I don't want to stay home
if I stay home they will drag me into it
I haven't gone to classes, I don't feel motivated
I tried the football thing for a while and now I just don't even want to do that
the moot is next week and I just don't even want to go anymore
I am just so tired

pplz from Sandy lane like they on drugs
call me to do a show for them
and talk bout payment in kind
like Sandy Lane Can't afford to pay me

****
my grandmother has me soooo vex
today is my mother's birthday
and for whatever reason she and my grandmother fighting
I dunno
so now she giving me attitude
what I do? I dunno
then she say she don't want us to speak to her
and now she coming asking me shite
steupse
I HATE that
why the fuck if she and my mother fighting (note my
mother out hear?) I gotta get involved
its like she gotta SUFFER the most......all she saying
is NOBODY thinks about how SHE feels
what the fuck s
she was the only person that lost someone?
steupse
its my mother's frigging birthday
the first one without her father
and my grandmother pick up and go out to lunch with her
friends
and surprised that my mother would be upset
and then trying to "fix" things by asking ME to call my
mother's friends over for tea
she ain't even do it herself
and then now when she gives her some gift and a card
signed only love mummy and my mother starts crying
again she says we ain't taking into consideration how
SHE feeling

Happy birthday mummy

just so when you think everything is going fairly ok
some jackass is say SOME shite to fuck you up!

I really don't understand what it is about women that makes it impossible for them to work together

MEN are just a plague in my side
why they's feel they could lie to you
TALK real ignorance
and when you call them on it
they ain't even have the balls to come clean!

a REAL man would come clean if he was caught in a lie
FURTHER more a REAL man would have no reason to lie to me at all
cuz I would accept his indiscretions on the basis that he was a REAL man!

*****
so I been having stress with this whole trip to washington
not for anything that I don't think I can't handle
but
it's just dealing with people, women to be precise that I having the problem with

so I went to see the passion of the christ
'parently Satan (yes he stars a role in there) is played by a female actor
now

one may ask
WHY?

there is no actor for God (obviously) but there is a scene where Satan and Mary (Jesus' mum) kinda square off across the street....
I wonder if he (Mel Gibson) deliberately picked a female actor (trust me she don't look or sound female) to play Satan to be the antithesis of the Mother Mary......

yesterday was St. Paddy's day
had very limited green on
but clearly it was enough
hehe

*****
its really amazing how you would know someone and not necessarily look at them a certain way....but given the right light...and alcohol content its like the blinds in your eyes are opened and you realise

wow when they smile it lights up their whole face and their teeth are actually kinda appealing

hehe

*****

I think if I meet a guy
who puts his hands on me in a way that I've thought about
if he does it the right way
caw blen I dunno what I would do .....

FOR that REASON I am not going to expound on the way I want a guy to put his hands on me I do remember this is a public forum

note well this is PURELY unsexual
this is just in everyday touching nothing sexual about it AT all

a simple hand placed on a certain body part in public is very exciting and intimate
:)

the bachelorette is AMAZING
RAS

dis woman got like 50 men fawning over her
heheheheh

and then she has to choose

see this shit is perpetuating the lie,
a man will say ANYTHING to get the woman to do what he wants
and they gine do anything and say anything and when she does decide to pick one

you could BEST be sure that he gine do some shite and cheat on her or some fuckery!

we had a promo up in St Lucy

and it was us and the guiness girls

and this St. Lucy girl like she was jealous that a fella was talking to a guiness girl for more than five seconds

and BURN de girl in her face with a cigarette

now
WHAT the fuck is that?

what is it about women that makes them so inherently insecure?
is it just being a caribbean woman?
is it society?
is it the men?
or do the women do it to themselves???

so I had a hiatus cuz the adsl was down
LOORD dial up is slow!

***
so you know how pplz say "man I could NEVA be gay." cuz they find it gross or wrong etc etc
WELL

I KNOW I COULD NEVER BE GAY (bear in mind I have NO problem with Gay people, some of my coolest friends are gay....but as for me CANNOT deal with the stress of women!)

women like they CANNOT work together

at all! too damn petty!


hehe
that an' the fact that I like men too much
I have a healthy appreciation for the opposite sex
and when I meet my real man caw blen I gine put it ALL on he!
hehe

right so alcohol is the devil!
easily!

I am SICK and tired of people trying to get me to model for them for free
what the hell!
they get income from my pictures if they are used for the ads why can't they understand that that's only fair

hear this this photographer woman
now aside for the fact that she's a teensy bit psycho
ANYTIME she wants to take pictures of me she wants me to do it for free
now I have BIG problems with that
I'm taking my time and energy to give her pictures (and despite what people think, taking good pictures is hard)
and then she wants me to do my OWN makeup
now I am NOT a makeup artist, and further, it is VERY important that the makeup looks good in a picture especially for an ad since it can make or break it
and this is a woman who is white, and REASONS that HER foundation, could work for me since SHE and I are about the same colour

*ahem* I thought photographers should have a good eye


anyway so I was supposed to do a shoot with her today, for this jewellry lady,
who despite the fact that she sells one piece for $400 US has no money and asked if she could pay me in kind, I don't mind that too much, but I would really prefer to have money.

so long story short couldn't make the shoot this morning cuz I was kinda sick (more details later) and had to rescheduled

de woman calls me and I apologise
cool everyting works out
she calls me AGAIN
to ask if I can do the shoot tomorrow
so Tomorrow I have a job (as in actual payment for work)
de woman reason I should cancel the paying job
since I gine get more out of the shoot with her

1. she pun crack??


she's always want to know what other work I'm doing too
like if I had another shoot, she wanna know who and what it for and all kinda shite

it seems as tho she thinks she's DOING me a fav by doing these shots for me and the LEAST I could do is take no payment
steupse
men is take pictures of you and reason they gine pay ya $150 and other shite money NOT even the same day mind you
rashole WEEKS after you did the shoot

I mean just the other day I had a shoot with a REAL photographer and the pics look damn good too


steupse that woman reason that she can't do a shoot too early
(for her 9 am is early mind you)
and when I suggested we do this shoot on Saturday morning
she reason that
THEY go out Friday nite and can't wake up til 2 on a saturday
ha

my woman I had a shoot and had to GET there to start makeup at 2 in the am
steupse

this woman is uncommitted and a travesty to the art of Photography