I got a problem with Penelope Pittstop
is there ANY reason why she got to be SOOOOO fackin stupid???
My brother watches this RELIGIOUSLY
and the woman gets caught by some REAL elaborate guises but she STILL stupid
*sigh*!

right now I feel so empty I've never felt like this before
I stayd home
downloaded a whole set of songs
watched a romantic comedy
and basically wallowed in my miserableness

yay for me

so you hear the things people tell you
you'll be fine
you'll be ok
but you're never going to be ok until you make yourself ok

You're never happy completely either
you think you are
but you're not

you find things and people who make you momentarily happy for a little while
but that soon wears off
quickly
and its like that little bit of happiness carves into your chest and makes the cavern just that much bigger
so that when its gone
its just even more empty
and even darker
and damper
and the only things that can find any solice in there are the dark creatures that haunt you

so I am making a promise to myself
I refuse to get involved with any man emotionally ever again
I'm shutting myself off
CLOSED for stocktaking!!

what is up with men and this issue they have with clinginess?

the word clingy is like an all incompassing word that means what exactly
I don't even think men know
it was handed down from generation to fucking generation and now they just throw it around as simply as they say the L word

I don't know what to say
its been a while since I've been on this thing
I doubt if anyone really even reads my blogs anymore
but this is something i just had to get off my chest

why do men have this incessant need to be unfaithful?
I don't get it
I really don't
I mean I think I'm a nice girl
I'm intelligent, half-way decent looking
I don't think I'm alot of stress
but yet................almost all of my relationships ended because the male in the relationship was seemingly unsatisfied and had to sow his oats in some greener pasture some where
what the fuck is that?
and don't get me wrong but I abhor all forms of unfaithfulness
take for example so called "harmless" flirting
I just don't understand why you have to flirt with someone else when you have a perfectly good woman who cares about you
why is that?
I mean yes women do shite too
but I have to say on record that I have never cheated on any of my boyfriends
and I wouldn't want to
I don't understand I just can fucking understand
its getting to the point now where I have no faith in men at all
none
I expect that a man will cheat on me
I expect that he will lie to me
its to the point where I don't believe anything they say to me
and once a person lies to you
you never know when they were telling the truth and when they started lying

someone please help me to understand becuz I think that I'm fighting a losing battle here
and I just don't understand
I feel like I'm sinking under water and turning into a very sour, bitter, distrustful woman
I don't like it
I don't like it at all

so
I am in a quandry
I went to Jamaica

I had a Pulse (pulse is an agency in Jamtown) audition
in which I kicked some serious ass and they want me to come back in August (yay)


let me tell you
Trench is amazing
unbelievably amazing
and everything just went so smoothly it didn't feel we were rushing anything (even tho it was just for a couple days)
and his family like they love me and I love them too they are such wonderful people
but I dunno if I able to deal with the longdistance thing
I mean its hard!
and he of course is being a sweetheart
he's like I know what I want and I'm fully committed to seeing where this leads to
but you need to know if you'll be able to handle it
you need to know if you can live wiht being apart from me for most of the year
I don't want to make you miserable


thing is
I'll be fine
fine for most of the day and then I just start missing the man
REAL bad
and I call him
and he talks to me for a while then he's like well you should get off the phone
cuz its real expensive
and it is

right now he has alot of stress and it bugs me that I can't be there to help him out
however small

man I ain't know what to do
this fucking sucks!

sometimes I hate being a woman
its like you have to double check things in your brain before you can actually talk
women are enslaved by themselves
always worrying about what someone else thinks
and the few who don't get branded as bitches, slack, lesbian, and anything else bad
so much of my life has been spent holding my breath
afraid of what other pplz will think
will they hate me if I say this
or if I do this?

I have to admit as I got older I've wondered about what pplz think of me less and less
but every so often I have to wonder......
and then I worry
and its like my insides are crumbling
but my outside is fine (I HOPE)
*sigh*
the sexes are SO much more different than people realise

best line put on me
"kissing is all about personality, so far you're the best kisser I know, even tho we haven't kissed yet."

BOEK
:)

so Mr. Impressive, from back in May
had a fight with his woman/ex
and now looking for me
MEN I tell ya

on a brighter note
Trench is just amazing

Trench: If you were to ask me to come to Barbados
tomorrow and I could I would
Would not even worry about looking for a
place to stay or money to spend just as long as i could see you and that is the truth

Trench: Lani you do not have to do anything you do
not want to do what is natural please do not do anything as a result of me
saying or doing something just be yourself
... Trench: u get excited easily ?
yummy: I'm not telling you
Trench: yeah u do I can tell u are very sensual
[22:05:36] yummy: am I
[22:05:38] yummy: ?
Trench: as long as the right words are said and the
right places touched
Trench: anyone ever kiss you while you lay down then
they rub there cheek against yours , again softly, then
move to your ears and their every breath makes the hair on
the back of your neck stand? up a guy ever make you arch your back in
pleasure?


AY AY AY!!!
I ain't know what to say but I digging this!

so yesterday
I found out that some muthafucker cut my brake line and spliced my tyre
WHAT THA FUCK is that!!!
that is beyond shite
someone trying to rasclot kill me
if I EVER find out who that little spineless cunt is I gine fucking well beat their ass
!!!


on a somewhat nicer note
Trench making some SERIOUS progress
you believe (and this one is for the ladies) he sent me flowers
from Jamaica
well I mean the flowers were from here
but he was in Jamtown
and sent me
cuz I was upset about the fact someone got it out for me
and the fact that I ain't got money to pay for my car
and he sent me flowers

the card read
cheer up cuz I'm thinking about you

how SWEET IS THAT!!!
lord have mercy!!!
I well caught up
cha I hate that
but he just too too too too sweeet
shite
*sigh*
and I mean I ain't know how he doing it but everything the man says is just right
at first I thought it was just lyrics but now I ain't so sure
this man just smooth as ras
loss loss loss
caw blen !!!

so practically every day I talk to Trench
and its like more and more I realise we have a lot in common
tho similarities can be found with anyone
yesterday we talked online and on the phone and I mean just laughed so hard!!!
he's so funny
and its the accent that got me
it so smooth so nice
yummy yummy
yeah
that's it
I caught up
and I so did not what to be!!!!
it would be so much easier if he were here but I guess nothing worhtwhile is every easy


...

so yesterday
I was driving
and my brakes failed
somehow my brake line thingy ruptured and I ain't had no brakes
tell you
you have to be grateful for small mercies
becuz I was on my way home, and then I changed my mind I ain't know what for, and instead of going down the hill to my house I was on a flat part of the highway. If I was on the hill I woulda crash and hit someone!!!
cha
anyway

tata for now

so the guy that impressed me way back on the 22 of may
no longer impresses me
you know he gone back to his ex
!!!!
she's manhandle him
treat he bad
I just can't understand men at ALL

the other day I met a guy
let's call him Trench
Trench is a nice guy very nice guy in fact
confident without being overbearing, polite, courteous and just cool
Trench ain't live here tho
of course MUST have some drama inna my life
and I mean long distance things are crappy as it is
expensive as WUH
and you just end up missing de body all the fucking time to the point where you can't function anymore
Trench Real intense doh !
caw blen
de man just like unbelievably into me
I ain't know what going on
and its kinda rubbing off on me now, I into me too!! :) kidding
I dunno what to do tho
wunna musse tink I ain't know what to do
well I don't
cuz this man like he friggin well close to perfect!

Jubilation and confusion all in one day

so I supposed to be going to Panama to support Nadia our Miss Barbados who causing a stir in dem latin countries
I scrunt I save
and bank on money that I WORKED hard for
and the pplz two months later have still to pay me
what is this rubbish!
I can't understand
I mean I get loans from my parents, work
evating to pay back and de fool fool man ain't pay me yet!
and worse yet everytime its oh yes Lani I'll pay you tomorrow!
I leave on SUNDAY!!!
I need to pay the ticket TOMORROW!!!! its just a mangy $300 why pplz doan wanna pay ya???

:(

....
so I saw Mr. Punk/Prince today looking as good as ever in one of those black muscle shirts you know the ones that look like a t-shirt with the sleeves pulled off
I mean it may just be a shirt but on him the ting look delectable!!

:)

sigh

you know what I just remembered?
anybody remember 6 degrees??
that was cool until someone invited some strange person into your circle

once again men have succeeded in confusing me
and Mr. Punk-Prince like he fall off the face of the planet

I'm here trying to make some money to go to Panama and just things just happening to discourage me
seems like there were some unknown costs so now I gotta find an extra $544.00 :(
even if I buss my ass working every nite I won't be paid before I have to leave!
oh woe is me
I went thru nuff to organise this and it just crumbling
but I won't give up!!!
the hurtful thing is that if it was just one week later I'd have more than enough money to go
and I hear shopping in Panama is unbelievably cheap and I ain't gine have not one red cent to buy nutting
CHA!!!

the weekend was interesting
in retrospect I shouldn't have gone out but I guess that's over and done with and can't do anything about that now.
went in extreme
long ass line
for what
men just disrespecting your personal space rubbing up on you and touching you all on your back and your ASS!!! dey had a man that was JUST staring at my crutch trying to dance with me
I look at the man bend down to his eye level and was like what
and he steupse and say I'm unmannerly!!! I love it!
Men in dey offering to BUY you a drink when you done pay your $40 for de damn drinks free
I tell ya if I paying $40 you done know I drinking evating on the drinks free list
even if its just NUFF NUFF juice!

you believe the pplz tek tequila off the drinks free list
now I can't have my tequila sunrises any more
damn pplz!

anyway so picture this
I'm in extreme with Daana, and this guy comes up to speak to me
offering to buy me a drink
Daana says since it took alot of guts to come talk to me I should be nice
but I wonder
I have to execute the same amount of "guts" if I wanted to talk to a fella
and correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think I look like I would damage a fella
but anyway
he comes over with the whole "I have a friend who's shy" routine
which I think is silly (but I was trying to listen to D and be nice)
at the time I have to admit I was pissed off about something else so I told the man sorry I don't like shy men to which he asked what should I tell my "imaginary" friend (cuz he was de body that come back later asking for a dance)
and I said tell him have a nice nite
I mean if the guy too shy to come talk to me and he ain't even know me
well what de hell I gine scare the poor fella when he meets me!

I have to admit tho when he came back i was nicer,, and we even included him in our conversation
its when the man asked me Why I wanted to study law and I tell him cuz it pays well and he ain't get the joke that I was like o-k
and he asked me something else what was it now
oh yes
the man name drop
ask me if I know Nirmal Thani hehe
name dropping in Bim just doesn't wuk

so then later on
a man
I ain't know him you know
comes up behind me puts his arm around me (did I mention I don't know this man)
and asks me in a drinks free if he could BUY me a drink
now I guess most people would be like yeah courvoisier, moet, baileys
but next thing now de man think he bought me for de nite and up under me and trying to get the sauce

now why do you think this man feels he can touch me
does he know me?
I heard about this girl (true story) who got touched in her neck by this boy and he had fungus on his hand and he gave her a rash that eat out her hair and all kinda rubbish!!!!!

you feel I want that shite on me!!!! you'se doan know where pplz put dey hand!!!

....

went tamerind hunting yesterday with my friend Simone AND made tamerind syrup!!! wunna remember that???? I used to have that from primary school this man who we called Brown (simply becuz he drove a brown van) and they (he and mrs. brown) used to bring hot tamerind syrup in foil paper... CHA $0.50
yummmmmm that was sooooo good
I think ours was pretty cool.

you believe we went to this house to pick tamerinds and they were big and juicy and TOO rashole high to pick!!!!
couldn't even climb de frigging tree.

Question: Why would a guy ask for your number unless he wanted to use it?
Answer: Sometimes a guy just wants to know he can get the number......

is that not exasperating??????????
I mean in a reasonable world when you ask for something it means you want it
not that you wanted to know if you could get it
I don't understand that rationale at all at all

if I ask for a fella's number its cuz I want it not cuz I trying to see how many numbers I could get

.......

So why is it I driving to work this morning
and this STUPID woman gine decide when she is NEXT to me in the double lane
she gine pull out and overtake the car ahead of her
near discombubalating me
I mean what sense was that
I still managed to get up the highway ahead of her
and all she did was cause me heart failure
I blow my horn soooo hard but the stupid woman (who was wearing a BIG ass straw hat)
had her windows up so she couldn't hear me cussing
if I coulda reach over a smack the woman upside her head I would have
!(*@^#(*&!_
blasted woman!!!!

Marcus says that he doesn't hate women but yet I have to wonder why all the jokes that are focussed on the failures of women
true the ones about men are funny but yet there are so many more about women or am I just being overly sensitive (cut to men saying YES bitch!)
anyway
I ain't know
I here reposting this cuz I can't understand why the first one I said so eloquently up and disappear
allya may notice I posted about 4 times tonite (plus too I just hey bored)

that's mainly to do with the fact that I got a lot on my mind all de rastaman time and don't have an outlet too often
yes I losing my friend to ballroom
tho she may argue she losing me to evating else i do
.....
welll I ain't losing her I just being dramatic :D
I know its like the third time I saying this but I am intrigued at my reaction to the fella from the beach
by now wunna think I caught up nuh
but I not
I just amazed at how the human brain works its realllllllllll funny
I wonder if it works that way for men? well?
with any luck it does then we all wouldn't be so focussed on looks and what not
ideally I think I'd like a guy who had the qualities I mentioned earlier
and the capacity to hang in there and understand me (especially since and I pride myself on this, that me and the pplz closest to me are not like ordinary girls and we real cool :D) watch it now I gine get chop
sometimes I have to admit I get real lonely and just would like some company
just someone to chill with
and nothing else
but unfortunately that doesn't seem possible
it Seems as tho if a guy invests time in you that he is doing just that making an investment for the big pay off
I can't call a guy to lime without him thinking he could get summa dis yum yum
unless its one of my closest male friends and they all have women so they are not available for my every beck and call
dangnabbit
men are just I ain't know what

I have to say that a fella who is confident in himself
funny
has a reasonable amount of manners
and honest
has got to be the sexiest thing on the planet
and I only found this out today!
I mean all this time I thought it was looks that made me look round
but boy was I ever wrong
as I said earlier this fella that moved from Punk to Prince the effect that his coolness had on his looks was revolutionary!
his looks were altered by the state of his mind
I mean
I ain't looking to tie this man down (hmmm well maybe I am :D)
but I mean on a purely scientific level I was astonished how easily I was able to change my opinion of the man
I...I ain't know what to make of this
I ain't too sure if I like it
cuz once this goes back to man command ALL hell gine break loose all the men gine know what buttons to push to get women to be putty!!!

:P