so I pulled an all niter
its amazing what a little bit of stress, four cups of coffee, a red bull and gatorade will do
it will keep you up
I don't even really feel to tired
It's the sheer panic
I tell you once I close my eyes I'll be freaking out that I'm wasting time!

7 days til the exam!
*whew*
BREATHE
BREATHE
BREATHE

boy yesterday was a whopper of a day, I was blindsided by the news of Kregg Nurse's death, I mean I didn't even know that he was in the hospital.....I mean this guy used to come lime with the smirnoff ice girls real cool such a shame.....

yesterday was apparently the 5th anniversay of the Columbine shooting, and three months since my grandpa died

needless to say I was offset, for most of the day and not really knowing why....it was only til later on that I realised what yesterday was.

plus the fact that I'm actively stressing about my upcoming exams, and paper yes I know I played the ass this semester
but I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to fail anything!
surely that must count for SOMETHING!

:D

my GOODNESS
sometimes men are just so fricking stubborn! they just do NOT listen to a word that comes out of you mouth
and its as if they just see your face and the words are mute, they not hearing you!
ARRGH!

I cannot stand that!

cut grass always made her feel hungry

I sat down here trying to think of a story but it was as if the words of old stories wouldn't leave my fingers.

I want to write about how I feel, but I don't even know how I feel, my head is just filled with useless information to the point that when I try to put anything else in there....it won't fit.

I look up from my screen, does he know what he does to me? I mean does he really?
Its as if his eyes could just grab my attention, and anything else that happens are irrelevant or unnecessary.

there are so many qualities he has that remind me of someone special

is true you know
sometimes you have to depend on yourself becuz when you really need someone's help that's the head time you can't find them

imagine I'm talking to someone about something fairly serious that happened to me today
and they gine just brush it off
and say I'm being selfish since I didn't even ask how their day went

I've been noticing this kinda trend

**********

I think as much as I would like to say its not true, its important for me to have someone that I can depend on, and even while I type this its like I'm fighting in myself becuz that seems like some kind of weakness
but, sometimes I may be too strong, and I'd like someone who can appreciate my strengths but realise when I need my own kind of comforting without making me feel like a 2 year old

sounds pretty paradoxical huh?

I think there is ONE guy who would understand that and be able to execute it as well!

*****

I would like nothing more than to just relax
just stretch out on a bunch of cushions in front the tv and watch all of my favourite shows
with some food, and an endless supply of some form of liquid

it would be nice too if I could get a neck rub
or a foot rub

********
so one part of my legal degree for this semester is finished
had to hand in the memorial for one of my courses
DONE !

5 courses to go!

so now I have to finish another assignment
then I have 4 more exams! April 29-May13th!

then its LADIES NITE!

Daanz we celebrating your bday from the 13th yuh hear so clear ya calendar from THEN!
save up your money! make sure you have some cute clothes
cuz we going out and DE-STRESS!

don't feel we won't be feteing that nite too uh

men will never change
and I say that for both ways
if you have a good guy he will always be a good guy, he'll get misguided and go down the wrong path, but invariably (I hope) he'll end back on the right one

bad guys now
will be like that FOREVER

can you believe! Trench has a gfriend, and believe me I am well over that guy, I was actually slightly happy(cuz I really could care less) when he told me
but you believe this idiot
pulled the same shit on me, that he did on his ex when we were going out

he's going to be like he misses things with me etc etc
so I said boy you know this all sounds VERY familiar
and if you aren't careful the same thing that happened with me will happen with this new girl

men don't realise they need to respect their women, when she's not infront them too!

line worthy of note!
on men and serious relationships:
"you can continue having your fun and your outside relationships, don't stop becuz you think I want you to but stop when you have had enough, becuz you'll realise I'm SO much more than any other girl you could ever want to mess around with"

so here I am again
exams round the corner
this year I really am up shit creek tho
I mean last year given my emotional status I was just in the library CONSTANTLY
this year
I don't think I remember where to find the law journals!

God what have I done to myself!
anyway all is not lost its good to have friends!
pplz been giving me their old notes and collecting handouts for me
so its just for me to read them
READ THEM
that is the hard part
they soooooooo long and drawn out
I swear we doing the most boring topics this year

they so DRY
who cares if the court can grant a certiorari mandamus????
I certainly don't

so first he says he don't want anything serious
BRILLIANT cuz I am most definitely STILL closed for stocktaking
INDEFINITELY!

now he says that he wants to do more meaningful things together
nigga please
I know that trick

I ain't want no meaningful times together for you to think I getting caught up
ban that!

man men are confused
for once I know what I want and what I definitely DO NOT want
and when I let the man know that
I jealous, (big joke) I trying to make things serious (bigger joke)
I mean I think I gine have to walk around with a sign saying
NOT INTERESTED and I MEAN IT!

when someone has the ability to get under your skin and completely infuriate you
its one of two things
either this person is just very gifted at being an asshole
or for some assinine reason what this person thinks affects you

how DARE he make me feel this angry so easily and then have the nerve to say "I can't talk to you when you're like this, you're too moody and miserable, I have work to do"

wft
he makes me so angry I could hit him!

all men and I do mean this are barely worth the space they occupy
every last one of them in my experience has had some ulterior motive for anything they do

case in fucking point
he's going to tell me that I'm moody, and ask me if I'm rashole pms-ing
I mean there should be a friggin manual about this
if a man asks this even says pms beware of fireworks!
GOD!

I hate this feeling....I can't get angry and shout cuz if I do essentially what this asshole wants will be accomplished and that is to get to me!
so I have to simmer
deal with this shit
I can literally feel my blood pressure rising

so
every so often you meet a fella and you just have to give the man props

props/stripes cuz he's just say stuff that is SO true minus the bullshit and everything

so I reason to the man

I don't want to be a girl that men reason is a heart breaker

and he says: that heartbreaker crap is bullshit
they just label her that cuz they weren't man enough to hold her down

................

for ONCE a man speaks the truth!

maybe its me
maybe I'm adding to this confusion and not really understanding what I'm doing
so everytime I think its the men
its really me

anyway
I think I gine do what a very smart girl said to do
release my part B
or rather embrace it

I done feeling sorry for men
done second guessing myself cuz I think I may be hurting someone
I haven't lied to anyone
I have no reason to
so we gine just leave it at that

again I say
men are an enigma onto themselves
stress can't done

SO
today Ludacris walked past me
the Ludacris

he gine be at some club tonite in DC

hehe
BOY is he short tho!

ok so here I am in Washington
I have to say I am REALLY excited to be in this competition
so far I met people from Serbia, Egypt, Pakistan, Poland the list goes on, there are teams from 80 countries
and everyone is so friendly and willing to conversate its GREAT
I love being in these intellectual things
all these bright minds! I LOVE IT!

well the stress level is ok with my team
one particular member like she freaking out but I tie that down to her being REALLY nervous and excitable
*shrug* so its not too bad
we're staying at the TABARD inn
quaint is TOO nice a description
its not bad but its like a 10 minute walk (IN THE COLD) to the competion hotel
and up something like 5 flights of stairs!
not cute

Washington is REALLY pretty
I was actually surprised I didnt' think it was so pretty
and on the road to the white house there are all these cherry trees blossoming it looks a little like snow on the mountain
REAL pretty

so we moot tomorrow (officially me and my partner) at 9, our team moots today tho at 4:30 so we'll be there in "court"!

again I shall go on record
A PLAGUE on all people who talk my name and ain't even know that LANI isn't my RASHOLE name!

so we have a little (well HUGE) family war going on here in my house
and to add icing to the cake I leave for Washington on Sunday
it just seems like all the people around me are plagued with anger and rage
petty arguments and insecurities

I need to meet a serene person
someone I can just talk with who has no opinions
no insecurities and who doesn't want anything from me
I can't give any more

I guess honestly now would be one of those life defining moments
will I stand up and face the full brunt of these attacks
or run away and just let them try to sort themselves out

I'm so tired of being put in the middle of it

Boy grandpa
I really miss you
now more than ever
the people in this house just quarrelling quarrelling I remember when you just used to be there
cool
like if nothing bothering you
you wouldn't argue in this petty way
in fact you'd crack a joke
my mother quarrelling, my granny even my aunt
I dunno what to do

they just keep fighting and shouting and I can't stop them and they keep dragging me into it
I don't want to stay home
if I stay home they will drag me into it
I haven't gone to classes, I don't feel motivated
I tried the football thing for a while and now I just don't even want to do that
the moot is next week and I just don't even want to go anymore
I am just so tired

pplz from Sandy lane like they on drugs
call me to do a show for them
and talk bout payment in kind
like Sandy Lane Can't afford to pay me

****
my grandmother has me soooo vex
today is my mother's birthday
and for whatever reason she and my grandmother fighting
I dunno
so now she giving me attitude
what I do? I dunno
then she say she don't want us to speak to her
and now she coming asking me shite
steupse
I HATE that
why the fuck if she and my mother fighting (note my
mother out hear?) I gotta get involved
its like she gotta SUFFER the most......all she saying
is NOBODY thinks about how SHE feels
what the fuck s
she was the only person that lost someone?
steupse
its my mother's frigging birthday
the first one without her father
and my grandmother pick up and go out to lunch with her
friends
and surprised that my mother would be upset
and then trying to "fix" things by asking ME to call my
mother's friends over for tea
she ain't even do it herself
and then now when she gives her some gift and a card
signed only love mummy and my mother starts crying
again she says we ain't taking into consideration how
SHE feeling