ok so I changed my mind about my date
he's still a great person yes
but I'm not into him
it was just me being me and falling into a guy just becuz

I have this knack for making a guy seem like a demi-god without even knowing I'm doing it
I internalise EVATING they say
digest every word they utter

I set them up to fall off the pedestle I put them on
its not their fault really
(but that could just be me overcompensating)

*sigh*

death is so final
I mean I know that sounds like commonsense
but we live in a world were that's FINAL never means that's it

think about it when you're diagnosed with some terminal illness doctors fight day and night to keep your frail body alive
they put you on life support
fill you with tubes
give you medicine to make you live
cut off things before you heaven forbid DIE!
and then lawyers, appeal and appeal and appeal a case after its been decided

don't we know that NO means NO
and when your time is up that's it??

it doesn't seem so

I went to the funeral
I went to the gravesite
I went to her house and when I heard auntie Jo speaking in a voice so close to hers
for ONE moment I wasn't freaked out
becuz CLEARLY that had to be auntie Betty
there was NO way she was dead
none at all

she cannot be dead!
I can't accept that
how could she be dead??
she can't be dead

Why auntie Betty? Why her? I feel so guilty for not going to see her when I had the chance

when I was in her house I felt certain she'd walk around the corner and be like "hey Lani what's up, how's school going? how the boys treating you"

but she didn't and she won't

I just am so lost right now I don't understand why

exams in 16 days
god help me!
6 100% courses!!!

sometimes there are so many things on my mind I can't figure out what I want to blog
its true I can write pretty much anything here
and you guys have to read it !!!
heheheheheheh
there's a little bit of power in that idiocy!

I went to see Love Actually again
*sigh*
that is what I want
I want what Sam had for Joanna
I want a guy to work hard for me
learn an instrument or something
:)
hehe
looking back I've been the one who approached my fellas
so maybe I need to just lay back
relax and let a guy come to me
hehehehehe
a guy like KARL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yummy

****

I met a fella the other day, who didn't believe me when I told him I was single

I have nothing to say to that

he thinks I was lying to him now why would I lie to a stranger first things first
and second why would I lie to a stranger

its so funny how people assume things of you/other people
and can be so completely wrong

I have to admit I'm so guilty of that too
I wish I didn't do that
its such a bad thing for anyone to do

well yesterday was a day of highs and lows
one of the most awful being that my aunt who was only recently diagnosed with breast cancer (like 3 weeks ago) died yesterday
we're not sure if it was the cancer she succumbed to or the medicine
my mum went to see her after her mastectomy on wednesday and she was in great spirits
in a great mood
and yesterday she died
and she was in alot of pain too
agony
I dunno really what life is really about sometimes

***

on another level, I went to see love actually
that is a GREAT movie that everyone should see
its a bunch of little stories......the best for me is the story about Sam (the CUTEST little boy I've ever seen) and Karl ( AY PAPI!) Rodrigo Santoro is OFFICIALLY my new soulmate
I am promising myself that I will not go out with any other man unless he is EXACTLY like Karl in the movie

I am OFFICIALLY becoming shallow
he must look like the delicious scrumptious Rodrigo Santoro
he must be gorgeously sweet as Karl was in the movie
LORD help me
if I ever cross his path
raspingy ! I gine throw him on the ground and say huh fuh dat!

****
once again I am astounded by men
I went to Cafe Sol and McBrides with a friend of mine
we were both dressed VERY casually
bummy would be an understatement
no make up
pretty much well covered
YET
all kinda men kept coming up to us and checking us out
so what IS it exactly that men are attracted to?
cuz we women just don't know

so I called trench
I think it was a kind of test for myself
I spoke to him and was ok
he mentioned he was coming to bim next year
what was he hinting

anyway I still care about his welfare, but I realise I don't care
does that make sense?

I maintain men tell lies!
all the time to themselves to their gfriends, wives, families
they can't help it

but I called and I was ok
my heart wasn't aching

why am I still pining over this asshole?
why do I get so involved in people so quickly and so easily

I think I'm sick and I need to get something cut out

:(

I'm torn between wanting to be single...actually needing to be single
and missing the comfort of a special person
I mean friends are great, but when you meet someone who literally touches your soul, friends kinda fall short, know what I mean?

I still am not completely over Trench
as much as I hate saying it
Its amazing how one person without even knowing it can touch you in such a phenomenal way, that when they stop you feel like your life is void of meaning

the terrible thing that I dreaded would happen happened, sorta.....cuz I'm still fighting it

but I'm kinda into my date. BUT I know that is just madness so I'm going to hold it down

he said something to me the other day, and I mean I swear the frigging moment was straight out of a romance novel
hehe
**picture this**
dinner on the deck of a restaurant, with a check table cloth
the waves caressing the underside of the deck,
music of Maxwell in the background....
the girl leans over and sighs resignedly,
"I'll never understand men, ever"
and the guy, leans forward and looks straight into the girls soul, and says
"now....(pregnant pause) why would you want to understand all men..becuz all men are different....what you really need to do is to understand ONE man, and once you understand that one man then you're fine"
angels singing in the background
hehe

I swear parts of life should be in slow motion, like how it is in music video's and movies, so for instance, when you first kiss someone, DEFINITELY in slow motion, with music in the background!
or when you see someone you like in the distance, and they see you, difinitely a slow motion moment
or (and this is a good one) when a guy you like, who likes you, smiles at you (one of those slow warm smiles) you know the kind.

AY!

I think if more men understood how awful a woman feels when she's been disappointed more men would try not to do that to a woman.

the opposite can of course be said for women!

but I'm working with the standpoint that I don't try to be dishonest with men and so therefore I don't fall into the category that cheating women fall into

I was talking with this guy who told me he used to have to be the one who the women in his family would turn to when something in their relationships went wrong

and becuz of that he's tried to be sensitive to women's needs and feelings
and I think that is commendable

so here is a cheers to all the men who are decent genuine men

the ones who try to be decent. the ones who are decent. and the ones who would like to be decent some day keep trying

I've been sitting here for the last however long, trying to think about what I want to write

I don't want to harp about my date, becuz that's the easiest way I will get caught up
and that is NOT something I wanna do

I am MAINTAINING my closed for stocktaking persona
I can't deal with the stress of it
I have well too much work to do
and I can't deal with it

so updating my dating escapade

(which I do not think affects my closed for stocktaking period btw)

anyway so we went to lunch
and checked out the colombian trade show which REALLY was just a whole bunch of made for tv appliances
tho it was cool just TOO many people
bumping into you!
anyway so this guy
is very nice very mature for his age, very very sweet
but at the same time I think wicked is the best word to describe him
**actually I have to admit I believe that a man, should be multi-faceted, have many sides to him, be sweet, and strong, and wicked, and just everything a guy could be, (can you hear the superman music in the back ground!)**

so anyway we conversed on a multitude of topics, everything under the sun, played pool, drank drinks, and you know what was cool, there wasn't really a feeling that he was trying to get in my pants or anything so, it was just cool.

so the other day
I went on a "date"
now first things first lets explain what a date is
a date....to my mind is going out somewhere, that you could go with a friend, but you go with someone you never met before
there MAY be some action but not necessarily and since I'm closed for stocktaking
no action


:D

ok so I know its been a while
but I needed some time to assimilate what all I was going to write
PLUS
there were some creepy pplz reading this for a bit (if you're reading this now you know who you are)
that I wanted to weed out
:)
hehehe
anyway not much has been going on
apparently I have a double on campus
she frequents the law library where my new home is
yes in case you pplz were trying to find me
I've moved permanent residence
LAW LIBRARY!

so anyway
pplz are like "wait you have a sister?" I swear if I had a dollar for everytime I heard that

you would think tho that since me and the girl get mistaken for each other so often we would speak
at least say hi

A GUY was coming up behind me to jump me and when I was like do I know you he just stared for about 10 minutes and was like uh nah
but you look like someone I know
thing is me and her are never in the same place at the same time
we don't speak to each other
nutting


so back in September I said I was closed for stocktaking
and now its November and I'm still closed
:D
I feel real accomplished
hehe
I realise more and more that I'm a people person
people to the extent that I need pplz to survive
and that is not so cool
so I think I'll enjoy my Lani time a little more
liming with friends and meeting pplz
just not getting caught up in anyone for a while
SAY til my law programme done
hehe
tata for now

I got a problem with Penelope Pittstop
is there ANY reason why she got to be SOOOOO fackin stupid???
My brother watches this RELIGIOUSLY
and the woman gets caught by some REAL elaborate guises but she STILL stupid
*sigh*!

right now I feel so empty I've never felt like this before
I stayd home
downloaded a whole set of songs
watched a romantic comedy
and basically wallowed in my miserableness

yay for me

so you hear the things people tell you
you'll be fine
you'll be ok
but you're never going to be ok until you make yourself ok

You're never happy completely either
you think you are
but you're not

you find things and people who make you momentarily happy for a little while
but that soon wears off
quickly
and its like that little bit of happiness carves into your chest and makes the cavern just that much bigger
so that when its gone
its just even more empty
and even darker
and damper
and the only things that can find any solice in there are the dark creatures that haunt you

so I am making a promise to myself
I refuse to get involved with any man emotionally ever again
I'm shutting myself off
CLOSED for stocktaking!!

what is up with men and this issue they have with clinginess?

the word clingy is like an all incompassing word that means what exactly
I don't even think men know
it was handed down from generation to fucking generation and now they just throw it around as simply as they say the L word

I don't know what to say
its been a while since I've been on this thing
I doubt if anyone really even reads my blogs anymore
but this is something i just had to get off my chest

why do men have this incessant need to be unfaithful?
I don't get it
I really don't
I mean I think I'm a nice girl
I'm intelligent, half-way decent looking
I don't think I'm alot of stress
but yet................almost all of my relationships ended because the male in the relationship was seemingly unsatisfied and had to sow his oats in some greener pasture some where
what the fuck is that?
and don't get me wrong but I abhor all forms of unfaithfulness
take for example so called "harmless" flirting
I just don't understand why you have to flirt with someone else when you have a perfectly good woman who cares about you
why is that?
I mean yes women do shite too
but I have to say on record that I have never cheated on any of my boyfriends
and I wouldn't want to
I don't understand I just can fucking understand
its getting to the point now where I have no faith in men at all
none
I expect that a man will cheat on me
I expect that he will lie to me
its to the point where I don't believe anything they say to me
and once a person lies to you
you never know when they were telling the truth and when they started lying

someone please help me to understand becuz I think that I'm fighting a losing battle here
and I just don't understand
I feel like I'm sinking under water and turning into a very sour, bitter, distrustful woman
I don't like it
I don't like it at all

so
I am in a quandry
I went to Jamaica

I had a Pulse (pulse is an agency in Jamtown) audition
in which I kicked some serious ass and they want me to come back in August (yay)


let me tell you
Trench is amazing
unbelievably amazing
and everything just went so smoothly it didn't feel we were rushing anything (even tho it was just for a couple days)
and his family like they love me and I love them too they are such wonderful people
but I dunno if I able to deal with the longdistance thing
I mean its hard!
and he of course is being a sweetheart
he's like I know what I want and I'm fully committed to seeing where this leads to
but you need to know if you'll be able to handle it
you need to know if you can live wiht being apart from me for most of the year
I don't want to make you miserable


thing is
I'll be fine
fine for most of the day and then I just start missing the man
REAL bad
and I call him
and he talks to me for a while then he's like well you should get off the phone
cuz its real expensive
and it is

right now he has alot of stress and it bugs me that I can't be there to help him out
however small

man I ain't know what to do
this fucking sucks!