I slept for the WHOLE day

I REALLY don't know how that was possible!
***

so here's the deal
got this guy who is trying very hard to chat me up
but not in a way I like
as if he's only interested in me physically so I really not feeling him

on a whole he is a very nice guy but the problem is he seems to be fixated on physical aspects of me

I mean I would like someone who appreciates me for all of me not just the tangible parts

and I mean not that I'm sentimental (well I guess I am) but it would be nice to hang with someone and not have this expectation that they gine get some looming over the conversation

what's wrong with just liming uh? watching a movie and just talking?

*shakes head*
I don't get it
is that too much to ask

so I was awoken around 7 this morning to look at a dot on the sun

funny thing is we couldn't actually look at the sun since we didn't have the right apparatus and risk blindness
so we watched it on tv

*rolling eyes*

technology man apparently hasn't reached my grandmother yet

I have a gift voucher from dingolay
so I think I'm going to go out today and look for some new shoes
the temptation to stay home and watch dvds is HUGE
but I think I need to go out and see some pplz
I think I'm getting pasty (that is of course after my nice tan peeled off leaving only my shoulders tanned so I look like I have some rare skin problem!


the thing is
I really love staying home and chatting with my friends who are away online
I mean it sounds kinda geeky yes
but to be honest a great majority of my friends live overseas and to be able to speak to them is GREAT

its interesting how the mind and heart work
your mind could be telling you one thing but your heart is totally on a different wavelength and the combination of the two leaves the rest of your body fucked up

no matter how I try I haven't been able to lick this feeling
to stop myself from feeling the way I feel

its no where near as bad as it was before

but yet its a recurrent feeling that just flares up when certain things happen
one thing is for sure my heart doesn't hurt but its like my brain is determined to keep me in this fucked up state

I find myself fighting back tears when I really shouldn't even be paying that person a second thought
judging myself FAR too harshly when it takes two people most of the time
and setting myself up for disappointment
burn is right I think about things too much
need to let things go

if ever I learn anything from my mother is that I need to let things go

just let go

OK
so the skirt plans are going well!
I only broke it one nite I went to work when i was sick and cold and needed to cover up.....
plus of course smirni promos dictate that I have to wear pants

oh and I hadda wear shorts for the rally I mean to be honest I COULD have risked it but climbing up in canefields etc I dunno how comfy I woulda felt with that much easy access

so I feel cool I mean it may seem like a small thing but I like wearing skirts all kinds
I just remembered I really used to wear alot of skirts before
I'm finding skirts in my closest that I didn't even remember about

*****
of late I've met some fellas who are seemingly uncomfortable with the amount of male friends I have
which I find amusing
I'm sure they have as many female friends
why is it an issue? they are just my friends
its funny how men know how other men think
and they are adamant that women and men CANNOT jus tbe friends
maybe that's true
but for now my male friends I dunno they ground me so to speak

not to say that I can't talk to my girl Daanz when things are going awry
but its just the male perspective on things is so...interesting
and to be honest my friends are very cool they have restored my faith in men
and each of them (I mean my really close friends) have such a different perspective which is very enlightening

*****
looking at a baby sleeping is VERY relaxing!

why do people seem to be interested in you
and then
all of a sudden act like they aren't interested?

I mean why do people do that?

my biggest problem with humankind is that people aren't honest with themselves or other people

how much easier would life be if people were just upfront all the time

I'm proud of myself
I'm having one of those moments when I say girl I'm glad I'm me!
:D

I went to see shrek 2 today all I have to say is I LOVE the cat!

****
I think one of the most important things for me is a guy who can communicate with me
who I can understand and talk to and he can answer me back
it is a COMPLETE turnoff to KNOW a guy wants something and doesn't know how to ask for it or get it

I can't really explain how I'm feeling
a kinda fuckup kinda way but not really

****
so Trench is here
plus new gfriend
cool cool I can handle that
I can be the big person and actually I am happy to know that he's happy
becuz genuinely I want people to be happy
I don't hate the man
I mean how could I? I dunno how you could hate someone that you were close to etc
but anyway I guess no one ever feels "happy" when the new gfriend is shite

hehe ok I take that back
she seems to be a very nice girl
how do I know her?
no no he didn't introduce me
home girl introduced herself!

hear tune! I'm at the kendal stage and I notice a familiar looking (yet generic hat it was the brand I remembered not a specific hat)
anywho I was speaking to this girl about a t-shirt they could buy and I realised she was not from here

and so I said are you supporting the jamtown team?
yep
cool cool
to make a long story short when I asked who else was here (since I knew alot of them since I was going out with the man)
she said I dunno who you know, THO you MET ALOT OF PEOPLE WHEN YOU WERE THERE IN JUNE
(note the woman asked me if I saw him since he's been here as in face to face BEFORE she let it slide that she knew who I was)

so I stopped for a sec
shades on so my eyes ain't really bulge

she said this twice so I said
I'm sorry but do I know you?

no no but I know you're Trench's ex

Rhaaaatid

so I was like ok and I guess you're his current gfriend?

now I have to admit de girl was brave to step up to me so
I mean I'm not hating anyone but protocol dictates if you de current woman - be introduced
anywho being the cool person I am :)
I spoke with her and had no probs (limed wid her inadvertantly for most of the day, I mean I knew all his friends so I was chilling wid them and she kept coming to lime)
to be honest for a SECOND I had felt like saying, "wow this is kinda weird but I appreciate that you're such a nice person and I can speak to you civilly" no no I have no grudges but you know how women can get (other women that is)

BUT
HOMEGIRL start up (later in the day) about how she and Trench WILL not be going to Barbados for a honeymoon (I ain't see a fucking ring)

and FURTHER when I was showing someone his car she gine say "YES I am the current girlfriend" (uhhhh biatch was I talking to you?)

WOW
I was like
CACKLE!
I couldn't hold it back
I was in shock


I dunno
I guess I would have had issues seeing him
as I haven't seen him since we broke up an' all
so there was bound to be fuck up feelings
but shite
this girl just got me feeling like I dunno
I really dunno

I hate this feeling tho becuz I mean yes I know its natural to feel stupid but I was able to let that stupid feeling slide an' chalk it up to human nature

YET
I feel like I shouldn't even be giving this shite hole a second look
ESPECIALLY wid the attitude homegirl giving me

its probably insecurity (if she had kept up the tirade that she was cool wid meeting me and not at all insecure I woulda felt better cuz to be honest de spiteful side in me feeling I would risk something JUST to see what would happen since she sooooooooo nervous around me)
but I won't that is demeaning and stupid and would encourage SHITE

I feel bad too oddly enough becuz while it is kinda an ego trip to know that I intimidating the girl at the end of the day she has him (not that I want him back or anything) and I have no interest in getting him back - a part of me still feels a little twinge knowing that this girl
who I see as being insecure, quiet, plain (I would put de girl at 15) short VERY sheltered
is the girl that he wants to go out with

now for a little self reflection cuz he isn't the first ex to go for that type of girl (on the outset she could be a freak too ya neva know nowadays)

is there something wrong with me that makes my ex's RUN from me?

I asked that question kinda rhetorically but got an answer from an unlikely source

"well you know you're the bomb so a guy could never do better than you"

hehe
while that is VERY egotistical and ignorant to believe

it made me feel just that much better

I feel like my heart is turning into a giant black hole
I have no kinda emotions any more

that's the best thing about summer
everyone comes home!!!
all my friends coming in
yay I love it

***

what is it about men that just makes them so clueless sometimes?
and I'm not talking about a guy who's supposed to be romantically interested in you and in theory SHOULD be in tune with you but clearly that hardly ever happens

but men on a whole are just like I dunno, they have this gene that just blocks any kinda intuition a girl has
its quite sad

case in point
liming with one of my buddies, I mean this guy is like my little brother
sweet no end, can ask him to do things for me and I'd do anything for him

so we talking about the movie Troy
me: no I haven't seen it yet, all the times I was to go with pplz I hadda work
him: man yeah troy is real cool you'll like it Brad Pitt Body is f*cking amazing (no he is not gay, he is just in tune with the kinda things I like and is able to appreciate good looking men and of course he's secure in his masculinity)
me:yeah ok I wouldn't mind seeing it

so LATER the day, I'm like what you doing later?
him: oh not much just chilling

I call de man about a couple hours later
de man in de cinema
what he watching ? you guessed it!
so HOW could he not know that he coulda called me?
I mean yes the thought crossed my mind that he may have been on a flex which is highly doubtful since he has a girlfriend in Trinidad who's coming in, in a few weeks (yes that is my naive faithful always looking for the best in people side)

*sigh*

I just wanna watch Troy!
:(

no money and no man sucks!

an' its worse when your male friends clueless to all hell

comfort
is that too much to ask for?

********
I'm still sick
and its awful

well exams have ended and summer has officially started
this summer I wanna try (and try hard) to ONLY wear skirts
so far its not so bad
I've been wearing skirts every day
only time I didn't wear a skirt was when I was sleeping and when I was doing smirnoff promos
so I going good

so we'll see how long this lasts!

next thing I wanna do is go thru my wardrobe and clear out any clothes that I don't wear to much or can't wear.....
donate the salvagable ones to the salvation army or something like that

****
I have post exam cold!
well at least it didn't strike as it usually does during my exams or on my birthday!

*****

I can't wait for kadooment
I dunno this summer I think will be great
and not necessarily because of any momentous thing that will happen or could happen
but I think becuz of these last few months my outlook on life has been altered slightly so no matter what happens
I will find some way to enjoy myself or find something good out of it

which is how it should be

:D

sometimes I feel so enlightened
I mean the other day I was just sitting back thinking and I realise that no one ever comes into your life by accident
I mean you may not realise why at the time they are in your life, but somehow or someway the relationship you have with that person has some significance

case in point
sometimes you would be going thru your own kinda hell
you know not really able to see any kinda hope or anything of the sort
and its like the universe arranges for you to meet this person, or be in this particular place where you can "bump" into this person and I mean the whole interaction can be very brief, you may never see them again
or the person can stay with you for several weeks, months, even years
but you meet that person EXACTLY when you needed to meet that person
and you may not realise it at the time but when its important
you realise that person gave you that little something you needed

one more exam
LORD
I have never wished for time to go by before an exam
not to say that I'm TOTALLY prepared but I'm just fed up now
I want it over and done with!

I feel like after these exams I could just SLEEP for the whole of summer
just detoxify my brain

everyone keeps asking what my plans are for summer
but to be honest I would love it if I had no plans at all
just kinda float from day to day
somehow managing to get money every once and a while so that I'm not completely broke

If I could get some form of work, modelling that involved travelling and paying NUFF money!
THAT would be ideal *sigh*
never know! we'll see what happens

ok
so my bithday came and went
wasn't too bad
hung out with the people who matter
you know you feel really special when someone remembers your birthday

**********

Its so funny how people can be
wanting to pass judgement on you
and they guilty of WORSE than they accusing you of (mind you you're innocent of that too)

but anyway so it goes
one more exam
Public International Law 2!
then SUMMER!
loss
can't wait!

I know there is a reason why I don't sleep during the day
!

I dreamt that I was writing, I mean really writing had an editor and all, anyway so I was giving him my edits and then I had to leave the room cuz he was interviewing some people
anywho there was this slightly overweight woman and she ran out the room, well not run she hobbled quickly and I couldn't catch up with her
she went in my room, (it seemed to be an apartment kinda thing) anywho she RAN into my room and went into the bathroom and then missed the toilet! and peed on the ground
wtf

*****
yesterday was a weird day
why is it I put so much faith in people and at the same time don't want to
I mean
I don't expect that people will be "bad" but when they prove that they are
its like my whole world is just crumbled
of course I don't let them know that
but the effect that it has on me is just I dunno
it shouldn't have such an effect but it does

to come to think of it even tho I expect certain actions from men so to speak
it still upsets me when they do
its like the realisation that you don't have anyone to depend on
is really a scary thing
of course not that I think anyone should DEPEND on anyone per se
all that jazz about being independent and looking out for yourself and being born alone still is true
but sometimes I mean you just would like someone to take care of things when you really in need it


here are two songs that are beginning to grow on me

" This Love "
Maroon 5
( Songs About Jane )



I was so high I did not recognize
The fire burning in her eyes
The chaos that controlled my mind
Whispered goodbye and she got on a plane
Never to return again
But always in my heart

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore

I tried my best to feed her appetite
Keep her coming every night
So hard to keep her satisfied
Kept playing love like it was just a game
Pretending to feel the same
Then turn around and leave again

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore

I'll fix these broken things
Repair your broken wings
And make sure everything's alright
My pressure on her hips
Sinking my fingertips
Into every inch of you
Cause I know that's what you want me to do




" Harder To Breathe "
Maroon 5
( Songs About Jane )



How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable
So condescending unnecessarily critical
I have the tendency of getting very physical
So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle

You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here
This Double Vision I was seeing is finally clear
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone
Not fit to funkin' tread the ground I'm walking on

When it gets cold outside and I got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head
You should know better you never listened to a word I said
Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat
Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did


When it gets cold outside and I got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

Does it kill
Does it burn
Is it painful to learn
That it's me that has all the control

Does it thrill
Does it sting
When you feel what I bring
And you wish that you had me to hold

is it so hard for people to be honest
completely honest with people
and not just arbitrary people
but I mean someone that you would put just slightly over the rest
I mean hell why can't people just be honest all the time?
there wouldn't be trust issues if everyone was honest!

whooo
one more exam!

my granny had surgery on her eye today
I mean that is messed up
anytime I think bout it I'm just like AY eyes watering

*****

right just to CLARIFY!
yes SAMANTHA IS THE HO on sex and the city
but that is NOT how I feel analogous to her!

I am not a ho despite what some other evidently more informed people would think
cha den you'se hear tings bout ya self and be like
WHEN did I have the time to do that?
caw blen if I coulda been doing all of that I coulda real take that extra time to study for equitable remedies!

but still the same Samantha is wicked to no end
my idol!
:D

*******
I like the fact that the people who know me, know that I'm cool and safe and genuine,
I feel proud that I've lived my way a certain way and have morals and principles YET still could have fun

I think I should record this day, cuz alot of times people don't always feel too proud of themselves and to be honest that's really sad, I think you should always be proud of yourself at LEAST I mean yeah every so often you do shite but at the end of the day you have to be able to realise it was shite and try to make amends

*sigh* yes I love myself :) its great
I love being me

and I wouldn't change for anything

I swear I have hit the ranks of superstar status!
pplz just have shit to say!

so I been watching sex and the city, I have to say that is the quintessential series to talk about what women thing and how they feel about relationships and so on.......at any given moment I feel like I could relate to one of the girls, Miranda, Carrie, Charlotte and Samatha.

of late I have to say I've been feeling a little like Samantha.......

my birthday is one of those events that I look forward to
I mean I count it down! can't wait!

last year sucked no lie, it was a terrible day, this year is shaping up to be great, even tho I have an exam and won't really be able to enjoy it as fully as I'd like
but I'll make up for it on the 13th
but to tell you the truth as of yesterday I wish my birthday wasn't coming for another couple years!



you know you sit back and see things about your society
things that real suck
and you say see THAT is the problem with our society
but its like no matter what you do it will still be messed up
inequal
unfair!
its like there is nothing you can do about it, if you still back and complain about it you're inadvertantly adding to it
and if you try to fight it you make yourself exhausted in the process and miserable, and no one notices how valiantly you've fought becuz at the end of the day its STILL the same
and all you've changed really is yourself

perhaps that's all you can really do
no one can really effect change unless they change themselves first

I went to watch Dawn of the Dead last nite
hehe I LOVE scary movies!
love it!
nothing better than being jumped out of your skin!

pulling another all niter
I'm getting quite used to seeing outside get brighter and the tv playin REAL shite on tv late at nite

its good to know at least when you sleeping that there's nothing worthwhile ya missing

so I had an exam yesterday at 4 pm that was BEAUTIFUL
if all my exams were like that CAW BLEN!

so I'm here studying some Equitable Remedies for my 9 am exam
had to pull an all niter def not prepared!

I tell ya there is something scintilating about a confident, intelligent, funny guy
has to be the greatest combination in the WORLD

:D

toodles

pulled another all nighter but I believe my paper is DONE!
so now just to resume studying for these two exams!

god I cannot fail!
if I fail I'll have to repeat all this crap again!!

by hook or by crook MUST get thru!!!

there's something a little disconcerting about a guy who will be so stone faced in a business meeting
yet two words and he's telling you anything you want to know

I find that very disturbing that I can wield such power, albeit unwillingly, but still harness it nonetheless

its like I'm meeting all guys, and they are really great, except for one tiny detail, and its not that I can put my finger on it, I mean sometimes its BLATANT that me and him will NOT go anywhere cuz he's just not my type of person.

I wonder if I'm too picky
am I too particular? I mean what's wrong with that? to be honest I don't think you should waste time with someone that you don't want to be around......I mean REALLY REALLY want to be around......it would be better to be alone anyway that to be miserable cuz you're not really happy.

its interesting, this whole distancing thing, I can look at my situation and logically decide what I like and what I don't like

I should have closed for stocktaking AGES ago!
got some stuff in here I didn't even know existed! its amazing what you can find out when you look inside yourself

ok
let me see if I can try to explain my previous blog

A guy SHOULD always respect a woman's opinion and not try to change her mind when its something important, say for example, trying to make her disown her friends, or have sex when she really doesn't want to, or make her lie, something like that.....

however, there are circumstances, when a woman (and a man too) can be very anal, and not really willing to try new things, say for example a relationship with someone they wouldn't ordinarily go out with or something a little more risque that is legal and not morally unethical, by all means the guy has the right to try to persuade the girl to try something new........

in fact sometimes if the guy is really good at persuasion it would make the relationship all the better, note well I say PERSUADE! persuasion is not saying, OHMYGOD you're being such a baby! just try it NUH!!! (that is not persuasion) at all times the guy should respect her opinion, and try to encourage her while still making her feel like she isn't losing anything

HOWEVER, this is not to say, that if a woman makes a point of saying from the get go that she isn't interested in something, the guy should be no really means yes and try to force her into something she doesn't want to do. Forcing is most definitely NOT persuasion, there is a HUGE difference, and I think that's where the problem comes from.

and why is it that men think they can change your mind about something by saying
"no, don't worry you'll see it my way?"

WTF!

is there something wrong with wanting some kinda creativity?

I mean a man is REALLY talented when he can get you do something you wouldn't ordinarily do in a way that you don't even realise
on a dif level the guy should respect your opinion and NOT try to change your mind but see then I'd have to break it down for you for you to understand, why men have to TRY changing women's minds but not piss them off, and still respect the woman's mind at the same time

ok I think I have to rethink that when I get a chance I'll break it down more simply when I get a chance

boy
call me difficult self centered whatever
but if its ONE thing I cannot stand! its a fella who is trying to chat you up, who isn't even going to give you the respect to speak with you with most of his attention.

case in point, I met a guy who is exhibiting most signs of interest, wanting to keep in contact in some form, email, phone number etc, YET, whenever this does happen, communication or contact that is, you can tell he is doing something else, the conversation sounds disjointed, distracted.

now, I really wasn't concerned, (whole closed for stocktaking thing) but I did find it interesting that this guy (and he isn't the first) would act like he's interested, but then have piss poor conversations. I mean communication is the essence of relationships, any kind of relationship, and if people don't at least TRY to talk with each other, and get to understand each other all is lost!

so I asked him, (playing dumb and all) why do you call me and message me? what is your motive,


ME: tell me something
how come you call me and message me?
he says: i think you are a nice person and i would like to get to know you better.....maybe sometime we could go out
Me: but you never really speak to me its very VERY small talk
He says:i know
ME: in fact your friend talks to me more than you do
He says: i am not really a phone person it is not that i dont want to talk..........lately have been a bit busy........
Me: I see (SO WHY IS HE CALLING ME THEN IF HE'S BUSY???) fair enough
anyway have a good nite
He says:you sound upset.........are you? (My real man wouldn't have to ask that question!)
Me: oh no not at all just was unclear if you were attempting to be interested, why you seemed disinterested when you called
he says : i am interested.........are u? (hahah here you go!)
me: in you? to be honest you really haven't impressed me with how you're trying to impress me lack of attention so to speak not my kinda thing but apart from that I'm really not interested in getting involved with anyone
He says:ok.........i was not trying to impress you........just trying to get to know you
ME: no I don't think you were cuz your conversations weren't conversations
so you weren't trying to get to know me

we bantered for a while about whether he was a phone person or not, talking is very important to me
if I can't talk to someone and be interested in what they are saying, and have them at least attempt to be interested in what I'm saying
its pointless


********

you know another thing I've noticed, for men its either ALL or nothing, its either they have you in a relationship or you don't exist to them!
Burn and scottie, you are like diamonds in the rough!
you guys are cool, can lime with me, don't try to fill my head with incessant stupid compliments !

oh that's another thing I REALLY REALLY DO NOT like compliments! the stupid ones that mean absolutely NOTHING
and further more! when they draw my friends aside, to go on about how great I am, I hate that, I really hate that!

why is it men feel that they HAVE to piss you off, just so they can find out how you're going to react?
is it that people like to get you angry? God I hope that's not right

so I pulled an all niter
its amazing what a little bit of stress, four cups of coffee, a red bull and gatorade will do
it will keep you up
I don't even really feel to tired
It's the sheer panic
I tell you once I close my eyes I'll be freaking out that I'm wasting time!

7 days til the exam!
*whew*
BREATHE
BREATHE
BREATHE

boy yesterday was a whopper of a day, I was blindsided by the news of Kregg Nurse's death, I mean I didn't even know that he was in the hospital.....I mean this guy used to come lime with the smirnoff ice girls real cool such a shame.....

yesterday was apparently the 5th anniversay of the Columbine shooting, and three months since my grandpa died

needless to say I was offset, for most of the day and not really knowing why....it was only til later on that I realised what yesterday was.

plus the fact that I'm actively stressing about my upcoming exams, and paper yes I know I played the ass this semester
but I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to fail anything!
surely that must count for SOMETHING!

:D

my GOODNESS
sometimes men are just so fricking stubborn! they just do NOT listen to a word that comes out of you mouth
and its as if they just see your face and the words are mute, they not hearing you!
ARRGH!

I cannot stand that!

cut grass always made her feel hungry

I sat down here trying to think of a story but it was as if the words of old stories wouldn't leave my fingers.

I want to write about how I feel, but I don't even know how I feel, my head is just filled with useless information to the point that when I try to put anything else in there....it won't fit.

I look up from my screen, does he know what he does to me? I mean does he really?
Its as if his eyes could just grab my attention, and anything else that happens are irrelevant or unnecessary.

there are so many qualities he has that remind me of someone special

is true you know
sometimes you have to depend on yourself becuz when you really need someone's help that's the head time you can't find them

imagine I'm talking to someone about something fairly serious that happened to me today
and they gine just brush it off
and say I'm being selfish since I didn't even ask how their day went

I've been noticing this kinda trend

**********

I think as much as I would like to say its not true, its important for me to have someone that I can depend on, and even while I type this its like I'm fighting in myself becuz that seems like some kind of weakness
but, sometimes I may be too strong, and I'd like someone who can appreciate my strengths but realise when I need my own kind of comforting without making me feel like a 2 year old

sounds pretty paradoxical huh?

I think there is ONE guy who would understand that and be able to execute it as well!

*****

I would like nothing more than to just relax
just stretch out on a bunch of cushions in front the tv and watch all of my favourite shows
with some food, and an endless supply of some form of liquid

it would be nice too if I could get a neck rub
or a foot rub

********
so one part of my legal degree for this semester is finished
had to hand in the memorial for one of my courses
DONE !

5 courses to go!

so now I have to finish another assignment
then I have 4 more exams! April 29-May13th!

then its LADIES NITE!

Daanz we celebrating your bday from the 13th yuh hear so clear ya calendar from THEN!
save up your money! make sure you have some cute clothes
cuz we going out and DE-STRESS!

don't feel we won't be feteing that nite too uh

men will never change
and I say that for both ways
if you have a good guy he will always be a good guy, he'll get misguided and go down the wrong path, but invariably (I hope) he'll end back on the right one

bad guys now
will be like that FOREVER

can you believe! Trench has a gfriend, and believe me I am well over that guy, I was actually slightly happy(cuz I really could care less) when he told me
but you believe this idiot
pulled the same shit on me, that he did on his ex when we were going out

he's going to be like he misses things with me etc etc
so I said boy you know this all sounds VERY familiar
and if you aren't careful the same thing that happened with me will happen with this new girl

men don't realise they need to respect their women, when she's not infront them too!

line worthy of note!
on men and serious relationships:
"you can continue having your fun and your outside relationships, don't stop becuz you think I want you to but stop when you have had enough, becuz you'll realise I'm SO much more than any other girl you could ever want to mess around with"

so here I am again
exams round the corner
this year I really am up shit creek tho
I mean last year given my emotional status I was just in the library CONSTANTLY
this year
I don't think I remember where to find the law journals!

God what have I done to myself!
anyway all is not lost its good to have friends!
pplz been giving me their old notes and collecting handouts for me
so its just for me to read them
READ THEM
that is the hard part
they soooooooo long and drawn out
I swear we doing the most boring topics this year

they so DRY
who cares if the court can grant a certiorari mandamus????
I certainly don't

so first he says he don't want anything serious
BRILLIANT cuz I am most definitely STILL closed for stocktaking
INDEFINITELY!

now he says that he wants to do more meaningful things together
nigga please
I know that trick

I ain't want no meaningful times together for you to think I getting caught up
ban that!

man men are confused
for once I know what I want and what I definitely DO NOT want
and when I let the man know that
I jealous, (big joke) I trying to make things serious (bigger joke)
I mean I think I gine have to walk around with a sign saying
NOT INTERESTED and I MEAN IT!

when someone has the ability to get under your skin and completely infuriate you
its one of two things
either this person is just very gifted at being an asshole
or for some assinine reason what this person thinks affects you

how DARE he make me feel this angry so easily and then have the nerve to say "I can't talk to you when you're like this, you're too moody and miserable, I have work to do"

wft
he makes me so angry I could hit him!

all men and I do mean this are barely worth the space they occupy
every last one of them in my experience has had some ulterior motive for anything they do

case in fucking point
he's going to tell me that I'm moody, and ask me if I'm rashole pms-ing
I mean there should be a friggin manual about this
if a man asks this even says pms beware of fireworks!
GOD!

I hate this feeling....I can't get angry and shout cuz if I do essentially what this asshole wants will be accomplished and that is to get to me!
so I have to simmer
deal with this shit
I can literally feel my blood pressure rising

so
every so often you meet a fella and you just have to give the man props

props/stripes cuz he's just say stuff that is SO true minus the bullshit and everything

so I reason to the man

I don't want to be a girl that men reason is a heart breaker

and he says: that heartbreaker crap is bullshit
they just label her that cuz they weren't man enough to hold her down

................

for ONCE a man speaks the truth!

maybe its me
maybe I'm adding to this confusion and not really understanding what I'm doing
so everytime I think its the men
its really me

anyway
I think I gine do what a very smart girl said to do
release my part B
or rather embrace it

I done feeling sorry for men
done second guessing myself cuz I think I may be hurting someone
I haven't lied to anyone
I have no reason to
so we gine just leave it at that

again I say
men are an enigma onto themselves
stress can't done

SO
today Ludacris walked past me
the Ludacris

he gine be at some club tonite in DC

hehe
BOY is he short tho!

ok so here I am in Washington
I have to say I am REALLY excited to be in this competition
so far I met people from Serbia, Egypt, Pakistan, Poland the list goes on, there are teams from 80 countries
and everyone is so friendly and willing to conversate its GREAT
I love being in these intellectual things
all these bright minds! I LOVE IT!

well the stress level is ok with my team
one particular member like she freaking out but I tie that down to her being REALLY nervous and excitable
*shrug* so its not too bad
we're staying at the TABARD inn
quaint is TOO nice a description
its not bad but its like a 10 minute walk (IN THE COLD) to the competion hotel
and up something like 5 flights of stairs!
not cute

Washington is REALLY pretty
I was actually surprised I didnt' think it was so pretty
and on the road to the white house there are all these cherry trees blossoming it looks a little like snow on the mountain
REAL pretty

so we moot tomorrow (officially me and my partner) at 9, our team moots today tho at 4:30 so we'll be there in "court"!

again I shall go on record
A PLAGUE on all people who talk my name and ain't even know that LANI isn't my RASHOLE name!

so we have a little (well HUGE) family war going on here in my house
and to add icing to the cake I leave for Washington on Sunday
it just seems like all the people around me are plagued with anger and rage
petty arguments and insecurities

I need to meet a serene person
someone I can just talk with who has no opinions
no insecurities and who doesn't want anything from me
I can't give any more

I guess honestly now would be one of those life defining moments
will I stand up and face the full brunt of these attacks
or run away and just let them try to sort themselves out

I'm so tired of being put in the middle of it

Boy grandpa
I really miss you
now more than ever
the people in this house just quarrelling quarrelling I remember when you just used to be there
cool
like if nothing bothering you
you wouldn't argue in this petty way
in fact you'd crack a joke
my mother quarrelling, my granny even my aunt
I dunno what to do

they just keep fighting and shouting and I can't stop them and they keep dragging me into it
I don't want to stay home
if I stay home they will drag me into it
I haven't gone to classes, I don't feel motivated
I tried the football thing for a while and now I just don't even want to do that
the moot is next week and I just don't even want to go anymore
I am just so tired

pplz from Sandy lane like they on drugs
call me to do a show for them
and talk bout payment in kind
like Sandy Lane Can't afford to pay me

****
my grandmother has me soooo vex
today is my mother's birthday
and for whatever reason she and my grandmother fighting
I dunno
so now she giving me attitude
what I do? I dunno
then she say she don't want us to speak to her
and now she coming asking me shite
steupse
I HATE that
why the fuck if she and my mother fighting (note my
mother out hear?) I gotta get involved
its like she gotta SUFFER the most......all she saying
is NOBODY thinks about how SHE feels
what the fuck s
she was the only person that lost someone?
steupse
its my mother's frigging birthday
the first one without her father
and my grandmother pick up and go out to lunch with her
friends
and surprised that my mother would be upset
and then trying to "fix" things by asking ME to call my
mother's friends over for tea
she ain't even do it herself
and then now when she gives her some gift and a card
signed only love mummy and my mother starts crying
again she says we ain't taking into consideration how
SHE feeling

Happy birthday mummy

just so when you think everything is going fairly ok
some jackass is say SOME shite to fuck you up!

I really don't understand what it is about women that makes it impossible for them to work together

MEN are just a plague in my side
why they's feel they could lie to you
TALK real ignorance
and when you call them on it
they ain't even have the balls to come clean!

a REAL man would come clean if he was caught in a lie
FURTHER more a REAL man would have no reason to lie to me at all
cuz I would accept his indiscretions on the basis that he was a REAL man!

*****
so I been having stress with this whole trip to washington
not for anything that I don't think I can't handle
but
it's just dealing with people, women to be precise that I having the problem with

so I went to see the passion of the christ
'parently Satan (yes he stars a role in there) is played by a female actor
now

one may ask
WHY?

there is no actor for God (obviously) but there is a scene where Satan and Mary (Jesus' mum) kinda square off across the street....
I wonder if he (Mel Gibson) deliberately picked a female actor (trust me she don't look or sound female) to play Satan to be the antithesis of the Mother Mary......

yesterday was St. Paddy's day
had very limited green on
but clearly it was enough
hehe

*****
its really amazing how you would know someone and not necessarily look at them a certain way....but given the right light...and alcohol content its like the blinds in your eyes are opened and you realise

wow when they smile it lights up their whole face and their teeth are actually kinda appealing

hehe

*****

I think if I meet a guy
who puts his hands on me in a way that I've thought about
if he does it the right way
caw blen I dunno what I would do .....

FOR that REASON I am not going to expound on the way I want a guy to put his hands on me I do remember this is a public forum

note well this is PURELY unsexual
this is just in everyday touching nothing sexual about it AT all

a simple hand placed on a certain body part in public is very exciting and intimate
:)

the bachelorette is AMAZING
RAS

dis woman got like 50 men fawning over her
heheheheh

and then she has to choose

see this shit is perpetuating the lie,
a man will say ANYTHING to get the woman to do what he wants
and they gine do anything and say anything and when she does decide to pick one

you could BEST be sure that he gine do some shite and cheat on her or some fuckery!

we had a promo up in St Lucy

and it was us and the guiness girls

and this St. Lucy girl like she was jealous that a fella was talking to a guiness girl for more than five seconds

and BURN de girl in her face with a cigarette

now
WHAT the fuck is that?

what is it about women that makes them so inherently insecure?
is it just being a caribbean woman?
is it society?
is it the men?
or do the women do it to themselves???

so I had a hiatus cuz the adsl was down
LOORD dial up is slow!

***
so you know how pplz say "man I could NEVA be gay." cuz they find it gross or wrong etc etc
WELL

I KNOW I COULD NEVER BE GAY (bear in mind I have NO problem with Gay people, some of my coolest friends are gay....but as for me CANNOT deal with the stress of women!)

women like they CANNOT work together

at all! too damn petty!


hehe
that an' the fact that I like men too much
I have a healthy appreciation for the opposite sex
and when I meet my real man caw blen I gine put it ALL on he!
hehe

right so alcohol is the devil!
easily!

I am SICK and tired of people trying to get me to model for them for free
what the hell!
they get income from my pictures if they are used for the ads why can't they understand that that's only fair

hear this this photographer woman
now aside for the fact that she's a teensy bit psycho
ANYTIME she wants to take pictures of me she wants me to do it for free
now I have BIG problems with that
I'm taking my time and energy to give her pictures (and despite what people think, taking good pictures is hard)
and then she wants me to do my OWN makeup
now I am NOT a makeup artist, and further, it is VERY important that the makeup looks good in a picture especially for an ad since it can make or break it
and this is a woman who is white, and REASONS that HER foundation, could work for me since SHE and I are about the same colour

*ahem* I thought photographers should have a good eye


anyway so I was supposed to do a shoot with her today, for this jewellry lady,
who despite the fact that she sells one piece for $400 US has no money and asked if she could pay me in kind, I don't mind that too much, but I would really prefer to have money.

so long story short couldn't make the shoot this morning cuz I was kinda sick (more details later) and had to rescheduled

de woman calls me and I apologise
cool everyting works out
she calls me AGAIN
to ask if I can do the shoot tomorrow
so Tomorrow I have a job (as in actual payment for work)
de woman reason I should cancel the paying job
since I gine get more out of the shoot with her

1. she pun crack??


she's always want to know what other work I'm doing too
like if I had another shoot, she wanna know who and what it for and all kinda shite

it seems as tho she thinks she's DOING me a fav by doing these shots for me and the LEAST I could do is take no payment
steupse
men is take pictures of you and reason they gine pay ya $150 and other shite money NOT even the same day mind you
rashole WEEKS after you did the shoot

I mean just the other day I had a shoot with a REAL photographer and the pics look damn good too


steupse that woman reason that she can't do a shoot too early
(for her 9 am is early mind you)
and when I suggested we do this shoot on Saturday morning
she reason that
THEY go out Friday nite and can't wake up til 2 on a saturday
ha

my woman I had a shoot and had to GET there to start makeup at 2 in the am
steupse

this woman is uncommitted and a travesty to the art of Photography

is there something so wrong in expecting to be treated like a lady?

I mean I always say "people will treat you how you allow yourself to be treated" I think this should be my mantra
and I really can't be upset if I allow someone to treat me in a way I don't like
but
why can't someone see that they way they are trying to treat me
is not how they would want to be treated

why is it men have a way of minimising EVERYTHING down to sex?????
I swear if they could they would be in a constant state of copulation
some men just everything is sex
its QUITE gross
very unappealing
and an INSTANT turn off

kudos to the guys who take me out for lunch or dinner, with NO expectations of anything
just to feed me

its like they need to be re-trained in the art of treating women

whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I really hate unmannerly bitchy girls
why the fuck does she have to get on like that?
what did I ever do to her?
I mean I'm nice to her decent
and she gets on like a cunt

at least I don't have to see her for much longer and I can limit my interaction with her to just passing but CAW blen why does she have to be so rude???

***

*I know it may sound really superficial
but when a guy who "claims" to be interested
can't even remember my name
or where he met me
INSTANT deduction of points
you my man are operating with negative points at this point

imagine this
a guy met me in a club months ago
seemingly forgot what I look like and then sees me again
so I say hiya I thought you forgot me
welllllll he did
man reason my name is Laura..no wait Lucy
THEN reason he met me in the wrong club
after a while was trying to work up the nerve to ask for my number
HELL NO come again when you remember my name

I think for now.....as lonely as I am......I'm better off being single
men are far too much stress and I don't understand them enough
so I'll take my time getting to know the little idiosyncracies first
then apply them to my Rodrigo Santoro look-alike bfriend (aka my real man)

I was feeling bored so I made myself an apple pie

today was a fun day
started off with dancing for gold cup
then dinner with a whole bunch of women
then smirnoff promos at Boatyard..nuff dancing and Calypso!!
and that's it
hehe

there's something great about being able to lime with a bunch of people and just talk shite
I mean its great
I hate to think of the day when I won't be able to do that

oh let me always have time for shite talk

I fear that burn may no longer be talking to me
*sigh* ah feel I pissed him off something stupid
and that really wasn't my intention
I guess I'll let him simmer for a bit

so there's another guy
let's call him Scottie
now Scottie and I are friends
good friends
liming partners
always wanting me to hook him up with my friends
no prob I'll be happy to oblige
but every so often Scottie is come with some kinda idle chat like he wanna be more than friends

hmph
now I get reeled into that little game men play
how they want you till you want them back
so I ain't even looking in his direction wid dem pink heart shaped glasses
I like this friendship ting too much for now

but it is amusing how these little subtle hints come down all the time
like how I'm in a class of my own
and too cute I gotta hook him up with my niceness
hmmph

I am not impressed
just another way men do these little tricks on ya
and then when ya want them
shi-te
NO where to be found

I smarter than that
I tell ya
ah CLOSED for STOCK taking!

for right now I feel like something or rather someone is lacking in my life
its hard to put a finger on how I'm feeling
and even harder to figure out how to make it stop
but its like I'm sitting down just watching life pass me by (sounds like lyrics yes I know)
and any attempt I have to try to get up and join in
its like something inside me is like ahhhhh Lani just chill nuh
and when I do say nah I doing something today.....its like everything is against me

the law library ain't see me at all this semester
time winding down til exams
got this international moot to prepare for

things just piling up and I can see them piling up
but I really just don't care

*******

you ever do something and just the second you did it think to your self
wait I was on drugs just now??

so I was goal keeping today
I was kinda impressed with myself
my grandpa was a goalkeeper when he was in his 20's
he had a nickname
mosquito
hehe

.............................

you know there's nothing more exhilirating than spending time with someone that you like
I mean real like
its been a while since I could do that

all that first kiss jazz
:)
its great

not that that has been happening for me
I just reminiscing

I like snuggling up with fellas (not just any fella) but a guy you like
I like how guys smell
when they put their arm around you

not for any reason
you could just be talking in a group and they put their arm around you just becuz
its great

ahhhhh I wish I could meet my real man

so I replied to him
basically telling him about my grandpa's death and the effect it had on me
is still having on me

and I sent a pic

you know the man only responded

"still looking fine as ever"

wtf

I mean
thanks Trench
thanks for reminding me that YOU are NOT the man for me

I sorry
I am not being picky but the right man for me would KNOW that giving me a compliment (that I don't need) when I talking about something important to me
is NOT the way to go with me

the Real Man would ask me if I'm ok, if I wanted to talk about it, and would know when to back off!

is that too much to ask?

is it too much to ask that a guy be a teensy weensy bit original too?

I tell ya
more and more I'm realising that originality in men is very scarce

OH real man.....I know you're out there somewhere
probably saying where are all the real women?
where are the girls who have a sense of humour and sense of morals
who can dress up nice on a Saturday, but still go play football with the men on Sunday
the women who are multi-faceted and got their shit together!!!!

it's ok babes
we gine link up in a while I promise

:)

so today is Trench's bday
and as much as I'd like to be like frig him and not even remember
I can't do that
I still remember all my ex's birthdays........
anyway so I wrote him a very diplomatic email (not even a card)

hiya
just dropping you a line to wish you happy birthday
hope you're having a great day

tata

Lani

so then he replies
(short to uh?)

Thank you very much for the birthday wish. My mind ran on you the other
day. How are you doing? How is school? What is new? We are preparing for
another race this weekend. Came second in the first one to Gary Gregg.
Trying to beat him as he is on fire this year. Again thanks for the well
wishes... included a pic of what I look like now.. Not very different
from before..

Trench

ahhhhhhhhhh

bollocks!
I still feel a little odd..........getting a message from him
but whatever

moving on moving on

I never understand why pplz gotta lie
and lie stupid too you know
the thing is why would you want to make an enemy of a person that you just met?

every person you meet is an opportunity
but lord some pplz like they just don't get it

oh lord help me !
I don't know what I'm going to do

MY CAR RADIO IS BROKEN!!!!!

bejeesus

AYYYYYYY!!!

how will I survive??

every day there's just more info adding to the fact that I can't deal with men
men are just funny to all hell

I tell ya
when (and I will meet him) I meet a real man
cha I gine have a party b
jubilation in the streets

its so funny when you meet someone who is JUST not for you
its like your auras are in COMPLETE conflict with one another
but for the sake of humanity
you're nice
but LORD
the person just with EVERY frigging WORD gets UNDER YOUR SKIN
its even WORSE when you have to live with this person

I miss my grandpa

I really do

its like I forget that he's not here

last nite I was dreaming about him and I started crying in my dream
and when I woke up I was crying too

I've been having strange dreams about him since he died

the other night I was out with my friend and its like I just get a wave of sadness and I can't help but start to cry

I don't want to cry cuz it just seems silly its not going to accomplish anything

why do people put themselves in situations where they are responsible for other people and then try to put it on someone else?

why do people have children if they aren't prepared to deal with everything?

there's something about toe nail polish that I love
I love how my toe-sies look with a splash a colour

*****

for Valentine's day I'm hanging with my girl Daana
:)
we gine learn the finer art of rolling our tummies !

I got my self one v-day card
and it was one of those unromantic funny cards

which was probably the best thing I could have gotten
I rather get a cute unromantic card from someone so that I know that they thought of me
than to get one that is filled with all kinda mushy shit that is meaningless

people can talk and talk and say ANYTHING
for me its better to say nothing than to lie

*****

you!
I was reading my previous blogs
and last year my life was pretty exciting!!!

cha I boring

Harder to Breathe by Maroon 5 is a song that just speaks to me

"is there anyone out there cuz its getting harder and harder to breathe!"

I think I'm sick again
ick!

ok Beta Beti is a cute song
:)


I'm beginning to think no body reads my blog
*sigh* things are sad when no one reads your online diary
hehehe

I have a class right now
but I tell ya I REALLY not able to go to the pplz's class
cha

more and more I realise that my relationships have changed me
or at least I've become a little jaded!
I am VERY reluctant to tell someone that I like them
before I wouldn't have a problem with saying it but now
nah gotta pry that shit outta me with a crowbar!

the people at Cable and Wireless are just
I dunno

today is three weeks since my grandpa died
and they called about the phone bill
I mean we had REAL pplz to call from overseas

anyway so my mum answers the phone and they are like may I speak to Harold Forde
my mum: Dr. Forde died last month
C&W: oh, I'm sorry, well who's taking care of the bill now that he's Dead

I mean
GEEZ ON!!!
no kinda compassion at all!

I officially am ignoring V-day
just to go on record
I'm not going to be celebrating it in any shape or form
but I'm not going to make myself miserable about it either

its been 4 months since I've been stocktaking
and so far its cool
there have been some pplz who've tried to get in EVEN after seeing the CLOSED sign
but whatever
I'm not a complete recluse I still don't mind company
but that's all!

men trying (trying real hard mind you) to get me caught up in them
for what
so they can go cheat on me and then what?
*sigh*
there is ONE shining example in men to date
ONE
JUST ONE!!!

ok well I lie maybe more than one
there are a couple a good men
but I dunno they have some strange set backs

anyway
I can't be bothered
back to my one shining example

let's call him BURN

now Burn is a SWEET guy, a nerd, very VERY good looking guy
but like most guys met a real fucked up girl who messed him up royally so all now he's just jaded

again
I'm reiterate
I'm closed for stocktaking
but I feel I kinda close to him and I sorta kinda miss him when I don't speak to him

but

I don't want to make this into something it isn't
so we'll just leave it there

2004 is a year for deprogramming the bastard alert

I'm always a little surprised when someone is *genuinely* interested in me
quite honestly I still think that when a guy is interested in me
he's interested in getting in my pants
or rather what he can get out of my pants
I know that's a little cynical but I haven't been able to find some one who has broken that trend

I met a guy now
he's good looking
ambitious
with several businesses
not married
no girlfriend
NO children
(yes I know something has to be wrong)
daana thinks he's weird
hehe
he's cool to talk to
real kinda sporty

so I don't understand why he's interested in me

my grandpa died on tuesday
I didn't think it would affect me so much but it did
I miss him
he's been practically my dad for so long

so I had to read something in his honour
to let pplz know what his accomplishments were.

Intimations on H McD

My grandpa, Harold McDonald Forde, fondly known as H McD and Doc was born January 10 1916. In his eighty eight years of life, he excelled in every endeavour he attempted, his medicine, sports, the cadet corps, bridge, charity work and family were all a priority in his life, and his influence on myself and the rest of my family has and will continue to be paramount. A maxim he lived by was “nothing but the best”, and he tried in everything he did, to provide the best service he could. These short words barely encompass his life, but each person here should be able to add some aspect to this as I’m sure my grandfather has touched each of your lives in some way or another.
Almost every day, he would tell us some anecdote about some part of his life. Most of them were hilarious, with my grandfather’s quirky sense of humour seeping through.
He and his older sister Lena were the children of William McDonald “Papi” and Gertrude Forde. Their mother died when Grandpa was three and when he remarried, Papi presented them with six siblings: Clifford, Violet, Stella, Majorie, Courtney and Marie.

Grandpa attended St Leonard’s School and then Harrison College. Apparently, the clock tower at Harrison College still bears evidence that H. McD was there, he hit a cricket ball and cracked the glass in the clock tower, and we are not sure if it has been fixed since but it remained there for sometime.
In fact, my grandpa is at this moment wearing his Harrison College tie, his Lions Club pin and in his pocket, his Lord’s cricket ground handkerchief. These symbols of the various affiliations were very dear to him, and he wore them with pride.
Grandpa’s love for literature, the classics and academics, afforded him to sit and win both the island scholarship and the Barbados Scholarship examinations. My Nana told me the story that when he won the Island Scholarship, the prinicipal of Harrison College at the time asked Papi, to allow another student to have the award, and Papi being the forthcoming man that he was, allowed the principal to confer the scholarship on this student, because quite obviously, “young Forde could pass it again.” Which he did! As luck would have it he could only accept one of the scholarships, and he accepted the Barbados Scholarship. In 1936, he journeyed to England to become a doctor at the prestigious University College, London. Grandpa’s love for books and literature and reading was reflected daily as he was always reading something, whether it was his medical journals or doing crosswords, he was always reading.

Grandpa qualified on the January 29 1942. He obtained his certificate from the University of London and was given the highest honour in those days as the young doctor to work with the Dean at the teaching hospital.

Grandpa was a brilliant man, to say the least, and dedicated this brilliance to the field of medicine but, as a practicing doctor and not in the field of research.
My grandfather understood the importance of a healthy patient, as opposed to a healthy bank statement. I remember quite often, many of his patients who were unable to pay him, my grandfather accepting payment in kind. Often threatening patients that if they didn’t take their medicine that they would have to pay for their next appointment.

Having qualified in 1942, Grandpa worked as House Physician for four years at University College Hospital, London. He then worked as Assistant Dermatologist at the Bradford Royal Infirmary in Yorkshire for two years and in general medical practice in Bradford and London for a further two years.

In 1947, he took up a post as Medical Officer and Assistant Medical Officer of Health through the British Colonial Service in Belize, formerly British Honduras. He was there for five years. He was very busy on that tour of duty because it is there he met and married my grandmother, Alice, and my auntie Stella, was born. It was ALSO there, that grandpa acquired a jaguar skin. This is a story he relished. He was working in the jungle region of Belize, traveling mostly in an open back jeep, one night he was traveling home, and he noticed a pair of eyes looking at him from the bushes. Now my grandfather was not a foolish man, and having heard reports of jaguar sightings put two and two together, and didn’t wait around for it to add up. He reached Nana, on three tyres, having blown out one of the tyres because of the speed he was traveling. A few weeks later, a hunter had shot a jaguar skin, and because grandpa was adamant that it was his cat, that had been chasing him home, the skin was given to him by the hunter, and lived with the family for quite some time. In Belize, grandpa had to wear many coats, he was doctor, dentist, coroner, obstetrician and the list goes on.

After Belize, Grandpa then ventured into University teaching for five years as the first lecturer in medicine at the University of the West Indies. By this time there were two children - a boy (my uncle Donny, born in Trinidad) and auntie Stella - and he, the ever patriotic Barbadian that Grandpa was, decided to return to Barbados to serve his country.

From 1957 to 1978, Grandpa was associated with both the Barbados General Hospital and the University of the West Indies, in various positions - both in practice and as a lecturer. In particular, Auntie Stella reminds me that he was Medical Superintendent for the Barbados General Hospital and was on hand throughout the construction of the new hospital, Queen Elizabeth Hospital. It was during this time, my grandparents had my mother, Ann.

He was the Senior lecturer in medicine and Associate Dean, Faculty of Medicine, University of the West Indies, Barbados during the years 1967 to 1978. He was also a member of Senate of the University of the West Indies during 1973 to 1975.
He was awarded the Jubilee Medal by the Queen in 1977.
In 1978, Grandpa and Nana traveled to The Bahamas. He went there to take up the position as Chief Medical Officer to the Bahamian Government. He was also the Technical Expert for the Commonwealth Fund for Technical Cooperation (CFTC) during that year.

Grandpa returned in 1980 and was Consultant Physician to the Geriatric Hospital in Barbados. He held that post for four years. He had also started private practice in 1975 and this he continued upon his return to Barbados.

He served the Government of Barbados in other medical capacities as a member of various committees and was appointed a Member of the Privy Council for five years beginning in 1980.

In 1984, he was invited by the then Prime Minister, J M.G.M. "Tom" Adams to be Barbados' High Commissioner to the Court of St. James and ambassador to Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Iceland, Finland and The Vatican. Although we know that medicine is Grandpa's life blood, to be of service to his country, in this capacity, held a special and important place in Grandpa's heart. My grandfather was a distinguished, honourable man, of quiet resilience. With a personality that resonated without him even saying a word. And to be able to serve his country in such a way really made my grandpa very proud and honoured.

I am so proud of my grandfather’s accomplishments, that he did with such ease, and without any attempt of making anyone feel less of themselves. He just WAS…. And anyone who knew him, and I mean really knew him, knew that he was a man of stellar personality, with a foolish foolish sense of humour, always finding some kind of humour in every occasion.
My mother believes that one of the most important things, among many other strong principles she has learnt from him was to help people without expecting any kind of return. He never expected reward for his actions and many people benefited from his generosity.

Sometimes, when I think of Grandpa as a doctor it is unbelievable to imagine that he could have time for other interests, but he did. Grandpa's love for cricket and football started from his own participation in the game. At school, he excelled as captain of both the cricket and football team. He was a member of the Barbados Football Team and represented Barbados as a goalkeeper, his nickname was mosquito, a reference to how quickly he could jump and save the ball. He was also captain of the London University Cricket Team and a member of the United Hospitals Soccer Team, London.
We actually have some pictures of grandpa when he was in his teens, saving a football, I’m not quite sure how the photograph was taken, but clear as day is my grandpa diving and saving the football.

Grandpa’s love for cricket extended to his professional involvement with many of the former Barbadian and West Indian great cricketers. My mother and her siblings grew up around many of the great West Indian cricketers and also many international players from other countries due to grandpa’s care and attention paid to these players. He was an avid supporter of the team and a life member of the BCA. His love for cricket never waned although the failing fortunes of our team caused some distress as it has done over the past to a lot of us.

Grandpa continued his charitable work as a member of Lions International. He joined in 1962 and rose to its highest position (at that time) of District Governor serving the region from Jamaica to Guyana. He has received numerous awards in this organisation and his current club, Lions Club of Barbados South, awarded him the Melvin Jones Fellow award in 1992. This is the highest award given in the name of the founder. He is now a Life Member. Grandpa loved being a Lion, I especially remember him grinning voraciously whenever the Lions had to do their Roar. I hope that you will do my grandpa the honour of performing one final roar for him at the graveside.

In 1994, Barbados in remembrance of my grandfather’s service, he was given the second highest honour, the Companion of Honour. For us, no earthly honour could even begin to pay homage to my grandpa.

My mother, aunt and uncle have been fortunate to have my grandparents as their parents. What more could a child ask for, near perfect role models who instilled excellent morals and ethics.

Grandpa brought us all up on a strict diet of classical and jazz musicians, with a great love for literature and learning. And of course an affinity for sports, cricket, football, tennis, chess, bridge. We acquired our natural talents from my grandmother, but it was my grandpa who insured our foundation with daily doses of the classics. From an early age, we all had a little piece of my grandpa. He was always willing to teach, if you were willing to learn. Always generous with himself and the greatest gift he could give us, his knowledge. One thing I always remember my grandpa saying, if I hazarded to say the word “thought”, he would say, “well you know what thought made a man do?”

Grandpa retired from full time service to the community on January 8, 1998 when he was 82. He was so distraught that he could not help them more, he asked my grandmother, “Who would be there to take care of his patients if he retired?” At last count, from his private practice, he had over 11000 patients, when he retired so many of them called, people stressing that they would not go to any other doctor other than Dr. Forde.
On behalf of my auntie Stella, my mother, Ann, uncle Yair, Maya and Joshua, I would like to sincerely thank all the persons who have assisted my grandmother throughout the latter years of my grandpa’s life, for those who were able to help us, the doctors who did so much for my grandparents, and especially Wilma who is as much a part of the family as I am. I would like to say a heartfelt thank you. The friends who were there when we needed them most, you know who you are; your kindness will never be forgotten. Thank you.

ok
best line put on me for the year
thus far
:)

so we all know its COLD as ras in other places
HB: I making dinner
me: I hungry
HB well come for some then Lani
me: tempting tempting
HB once you can stand the temperature
me: yah doh you gine have to warm me up
HB who said anything about being cold in the first place?

HAHAHAHAHAH

I love it
THAT is what I love about men
that wit
that little way they can get into your good side and just have your face flushed and your eyes shining
and you just giggling uncontrollably
:)
sigh
hehehehe

Happy new year!!!

ok I dunno what is up with the world but over the last couple weeks all the men I've met are SHORT to ras

nuttin wrong with short pplz mind you
I just feel a little odd when I have to talk to someone and I have to look down at them when I'm barefoot!

I feel very shallow about that mind you but I can't get pass that


*sigh* I will try tho! but I too love my high heels!!

its funny how life is
how when you think you don't have and then you realise you have more than enough

the last couple days I've been thinking about Trench
no matter what happened consequently I'd have to say the way things were between us was great
I can say except for the distance, and the possibility of not being able to trust him, that's how I want a relationship to be

I have a friend who's going thru some shit right now
his wife/soon to be ex-wife is a psycho
or at least that's his opinion
but the point is
I think that he should at least TRY one more time
I mean the things he told me about her
I have to say she is a little off her bat and the fact that he stayed with her so long is commendable
now what I don't get
is that women like that just make men think that all women are crazy
even King, his last girlfriend was crazy to hell
(again in his opinion)

but I maintain that people only act "crazy" when they are hurt

what is it about men that is just so how shall I put it .......
delicious?

I mean without trying to make this guy seem to amazing
**trust me I've learnt my lesson**
he just has this voice that you can't help but melt into
I swear the man could be saying "you want fries with that" and give me automatic p.s.
hehe

and then he's so straightforward I mean he tells me things about himself that most people wouldn't even say out loud

and he's just so sweet

and he just has enough of a wicked element to be yummy

lord
I still don't like men hear? they stupid and everything but this guy is just.............I dunno
ay!

sometimes the only thing you can say is
ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHH:SLKF"AIJVC"AKNVC"ALKJFAKVCNA:KCNAKJCAS"PCJAS"CIN

and even then that isn't what you meant to say

ok these were from an email and they were just hard, any one who wants it let me know and I'll send it to ya

Shouting obscenities at a girl just because she DIDN'T RESPOND to your, "Yo shorty", (when you're shorter than her), or your "Ma, Ma, Ma",(when you ain't her fuckin' son), or to "Damn! girl!" (when she's with her man),only makes you look EXTRA stupid. All that cursin' while she's walking away...you still think she's fine, nigga.

Girls can fuck you and keep it movin' too. Stop thinkin' that if you fuck with us we're gonna catch feelings. Ain't nobody thinking about you nigga. Our boyfriend was just acting up that week.

everyone has a few quirks that may turn you off
the key is
to find out these quirks
either before you like them too much
or look past them as you get to like them too much

*****

now people always make little promises
and I guess being a law student now I take promises to be a little more than just statements
if you make me a promise or a statement of intention
and I fucking rely on that statement!
that can be a binding contract!!

why do people do that?
uh?

cha!

so there's a new guy
let's call him King, can't really say too much about him right now other than I like talking to him

we're having an email relationship!
back and forth little messages
its cool

just what the doctor ordered really

*sigh* exam on Thursday it doesn't even feel like it!

getting to know someone is so invigorating
I think that is the best thing about life
whenever you meet someone (especially someone who is not a part of your "clique") its so refreshing to hear their viewpoints, the way they think about things everything

and when you meet someone, you have to spend some time really digesting their minds, taking it all in, as much as possible

its really great

I feel so frustrated
I feel miserable and snappy and REAL bitchy!
why?
I dunno why
just everyone is getting UNDER MY SKIN I could just scratch it off!
I hate feeling this way, even more so becuz I have no fucking clue why I'm so angry!

****
sometimes I feel like I just want someone to take care of me
someone who would just know exactly how I feel and know how to make me feel better
I know I should be doing it myself its for me to make myself feel better
but sometimes I just wish there was someone who would do it for me

I wonder if becuz I hadn't been in contact with my father in so long, if this is why I feel like this

I mean he's just a person to me, someone I call once in a while to let him know if I've done something really good. But other than that, nothing.

I've really been missing a male figure in my life, my grandfather is old and weak now, doesn't even remember me
I think I'm looking to men for the wrong reasons
I need to sort out my self before I can do anything else

out of boredom
I signed up for one of those online singles forums
now....I'm still closed for stocktaking HOWEVER I'm having a little experiment, what is it that people look for, I mean what is the priority
obviously its looks, that's the first thing, then personality
but I mean how do you really know you'll click with that person?
conversation....but what if it takes REALLY long to get to know the person?
what if you jump off the train too quickly?
they could have been the love of your life if you'd just been patient.....OR you could be wasting time with this low-life when the REAL love of your life is just watching you and shaking his head cuz he can't believe you'd be so into such a moron

I tell you my theory about coloured people would be essential right about now

*ahem* for those who don't know my theory of coloured people is that you have a kinda range,
say blue to yellow
there are purple people, red people, orange people, all kinda colours in this range.
now a yellow person is lets say a bad person, they lie, they are arrogant etc
so when I look at a person I can see what colour they are and then know IMMEDIATELY what type if person they are.

now once you are a yellow person, you don't stay that way forever, that's why they are a range, so if you try to change the error of your ways, your colour will reflect that
so on any given day you could be a different colour, multicoloured if you wanted

I mean imagine how much easier it would be if you could see into a person so easily?

I am going to fail my exams
too much work!
far too much to cram in
oh LORD help me pick the right topics
study them well enough and throw them all up on the exam paper!

PLEASE NO SUPPLEMENTALS!!!!

so I met this 21 year old
really motivated! very interesting to talk to
generally a great guy to talk to

but some how I don't think he's the right kinda guy for me
I'm not feeling that vibe..........now the IRONY is suppose he's the right kind of guy for me
but my brain is overpowering my heart, and telling myself I don't like him?

Is it wrong for me to not want to get too involved just so I can keep my options open?

Is that bad? I mean men do that all the time so why can't I?

I really don't think he's the right guy for me but he's real sweet
wonderful to talk to
:)

ok so I changed my mind about my date
he's still a great person yes
but I'm not into him
it was just me being me and falling into a guy just becuz

I have this knack for making a guy seem like a demi-god without even knowing I'm doing it
I internalise EVATING they say
digest every word they utter

I set them up to fall off the pedestle I put them on
its not their fault really
(but that could just be me overcompensating)

*sigh*

death is so final
I mean I know that sounds like commonsense
but we live in a world were that's FINAL never means that's it

think about it when you're diagnosed with some terminal illness doctors fight day and night to keep your frail body alive
they put you on life support
fill you with tubes
give you medicine to make you live
cut off things before you heaven forbid DIE!
and then lawyers, appeal and appeal and appeal a case after its been decided

don't we know that NO means NO
and when your time is up that's it??

it doesn't seem so

I went to the funeral
I went to the gravesite
I went to her house and when I heard auntie Jo speaking in a voice so close to hers
for ONE moment I wasn't freaked out
becuz CLEARLY that had to be auntie Betty
there was NO way she was dead
none at all

she cannot be dead!
I can't accept that
how could she be dead??
she can't be dead

Why auntie Betty? Why her? I feel so guilty for not going to see her when I had the chance

when I was in her house I felt certain she'd walk around the corner and be like "hey Lani what's up, how's school going? how the boys treating you"

but she didn't and she won't

I just am so lost right now I don't understand why

exams in 16 days
god help me!
6 100% courses!!!

sometimes there are so many things on my mind I can't figure out what I want to blog
its true I can write pretty much anything here
and you guys have to read it !!!
heheheheheheh
there's a little bit of power in that idiocy!

I went to see Love Actually again
*sigh*
that is what I want
I want what Sam had for Joanna
I want a guy to work hard for me
learn an instrument or something
:)
hehe
looking back I've been the one who approached my fellas
so maybe I need to just lay back
relax and let a guy come to me
hehehehehe
a guy like KARL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yummy

****

I met a fella the other day, who didn't believe me when I told him I was single

I have nothing to say to that

he thinks I was lying to him now why would I lie to a stranger first things first
and second why would I lie to a stranger

its so funny how people assume things of you/other people
and can be so completely wrong

I have to admit I'm so guilty of that too
I wish I didn't do that
its such a bad thing for anyone to do

well yesterday was a day of highs and lows
one of the most awful being that my aunt who was only recently diagnosed with breast cancer (like 3 weeks ago) died yesterday
we're not sure if it was the cancer she succumbed to or the medicine
my mum went to see her after her mastectomy on wednesday and she was in great spirits
in a great mood
and yesterday she died
and she was in alot of pain too
agony
I dunno really what life is really about sometimes

***

on another level, I went to see love actually
that is a GREAT movie that everyone should see
its a bunch of little stories......the best for me is the story about Sam (the CUTEST little boy I've ever seen) and Karl ( AY PAPI!) Rodrigo Santoro is OFFICIALLY my new soulmate
I am promising myself that I will not go out with any other man unless he is EXACTLY like Karl in the movie

I am OFFICIALLY becoming shallow
he must look like the delicious scrumptious Rodrigo Santoro
he must be gorgeously sweet as Karl was in the movie
LORD help me
if I ever cross his path
raspingy ! I gine throw him on the ground and say huh fuh dat!

****
once again I am astounded by men
I went to Cafe Sol and McBrides with a friend of mine
we were both dressed VERY casually
bummy would be an understatement
no make up
pretty much well covered
YET
all kinda men kept coming up to us and checking us out
so what IS it exactly that men are attracted to?
cuz we women just don't know

so I called trench
I think it was a kind of test for myself
I spoke to him and was ok
he mentioned he was coming to bim next year
what was he hinting

anyway I still care about his welfare, but I realise I don't care
does that make sense?

I maintain men tell lies!
all the time to themselves to their gfriends, wives, families
they can't help it

but I called and I was ok
my heart wasn't aching

why am I still pining over this asshole?
why do I get so involved in people so quickly and so easily

I think I'm sick and I need to get something cut out

:(

I'm torn between wanting to be single...actually needing to be single
and missing the comfort of a special person
I mean friends are great, but when you meet someone who literally touches your soul, friends kinda fall short, know what I mean?

I still am not completely over Trench
as much as I hate saying it
Its amazing how one person without even knowing it can touch you in such a phenomenal way, that when they stop you feel like your life is void of meaning

the terrible thing that I dreaded would happen happened, sorta.....cuz I'm still fighting it

but I'm kinda into my date. BUT I know that is just madness so I'm going to hold it down

he said something to me the other day, and I mean I swear the frigging moment was straight out of a romance novel
hehe
**picture this**
dinner on the deck of a restaurant, with a check table cloth
the waves caressing the underside of the deck,
music of Maxwell in the background....
the girl leans over and sighs resignedly,
"I'll never understand men, ever"
and the guy, leans forward and looks straight into the girls soul, and says
"now....(pregnant pause) why would you want to understand all men..becuz all men are different....what you really need to do is to understand ONE man, and once you understand that one man then you're fine"
angels singing in the background
hehe

I swear parts of life should be in slow motion, like how it is in music video's and movies, so for instance, when you first kiss someone, DEFINITELY in slow motion, with music in the background!
or when you see someone you like in the distance, and they see you, difinitely a slow motion moment
or (and this is a good one) when a guy you like, who likes you, smiles at you (one of those slow warm smiles) you know the kind.

AY!

I think if more men understood how awful a woman feels when she's been disappointed more men would try not to do that to a woman.

the opposite can of course be said for women!

but I'm working with the standpoint that I don't try to be dishonest with men and so therefore I don't fall into the category that cheating women fall into

I was talking with this guy who told me he used to have to be the one who the women in his family would turn to when something in their relationships went wrong

and becuz of that he's tried to be sensitive to women's needs and feelings
and I think that is commendable

so here is a cheers to all the men who are decent genuine men

the ones who try to be decent. the ones who are decent. and the ones who would like to be decent some day keep trying

I've been sitting here for the last however long, trying to think about what I want to write

I don't want to harp about my date, becuz that's the easiest way I will get caught up
and that is NOT something I wanna do

I am MAINTAINING my closed for stocktaking persona
I can't deal with the stress of it
I have well too much work to do
and I can't deal with it

so updating my dating escapade

(which I do not think affects my closed for stocktaking period btw)

anyway so we went to lunch
and checked out the colombian trade show which REALLY was just a whole bunch of made for tv appliances
tho it was cool just TOO many people
bumping into you!
anyway so this guy
is very nice very mature for his age, very very sweet
but at the same time I think wicked is the best word to describe him
**actually I have to admit I believe that a man, should be multi-faceted, have many sides to him, be sweet, and strong, and wicked, and just everything a guy could be, (can you hear the superman music in the back ground!)**

so anyway we conversed on a multitude of topics, everything under the sun, played pool, drank drinks, and you know what was cool, there wasn't really a feeling that he was trying to get in my pants or anything so, it was just cool.

so the other day
I went on a "date"
now first things first lets explain what a date is
a date....to my mind is going out somewhere, that you could go with a friend, but you go with someone you never met before
there MAY be some action but not necessarily and since I'm closed for stocktaking
no action


:D