I can't really explain how I'm feeling
a kinda fuckup kinda way but not really

****
so Trench is here
plus new gfriend
cool cool I can handle that
I can be the big person and actually I am happy to know that he's happy
becuz genuinely I want people to be happy
I don't hate the man
I mean how could I? I dunno how you could hate someone that you were close to etc
but anyway I guess no one ever feels "happy" when the new gfriend is shite

hehe ok I take that back
she seems to be a very nice girl
how do I know her?
no no he didn't introduce me
home girl introduced herself!

hear tune! I'm at the kendal stage and I notice a familiar looking (yet generic hat it was the brand I remembered not a specific hat)
anywho I was speaking to this girl about a t-shirt they could buy and I realised she was not from here

and so I said are you supporting the jamtown team?
yep
cool cool
to make a long story short when I asked who else was here (since I knew alot of them since I was going out with the man)
she said I dunno who you know, THO you MET ALOT OF PEOPLE WHEN YOU WERE THERE IN JUNE
(note the woman asked me if I saw him since he's been here as in face to face BEFORE she let it slide that she knew who I was)

so I stopped for a sec
shades on so my eyes ain't really bulge

she said this twice so I said
I'm sorry but do I know you?

no no but I know you're Trench's ex

Rhaaaatid

so I was like ok and I guess you're his current gfriend?

now I have to admit de girl was brave to step up to me so
I mean I'm not hating anyone but protocol dictates if you de current woman - be introduced
anywho being the cool person I am :)
I spoke with her and had no probs (limed wid her inadvertantly for most of the day, I mean I knew all his friends so I was chilling wid them and she kept coming to lime)
to be honest for a SECOND I had felt like saying, "wow this is kinda weird but I appreciate that you're such a nice person and I can speak to you civilly" no no I have no grudges but you know how women can get (other women that is)

BUT
HOMEGIRL start up (later in the day) about how she and Trench WILL not be going to Barbados for a honeymoon (I ain't see a fucking ring)

and FURTHER when I was showing someone his car she gine say "YES I am the current girlfriend" (uhhhh biatch was I talking to you?)

WOW
I was like
CACKLE!
I couldn't hold it back
I was in shock


I dunno
I guess I would have had issues seeing him
as I haven't seen him since we broke up an' all
so there was bound to be fuck up feelings
but shite
this girl just got me feeling like I dunno
I really dunno

I hate this feeling tho becuz I mean yes I know its natural to feel stupid but I was able to let that stupid feeling slide an' chalk it up to human nature

YET
I feel like I shouldn't even be giving this shite hole a second look
ESPECIALLY wid the attitude homegirl giving me

its probably insecurity (if she had kept up the tirade that she was cool wid meeting me and not at all insecure I woulda felt better cuz to be honest de spiteful side in me feeling I would risk something JUST to see what would happen since she sooooooooo nervous around me)
but I won't that is demeaning and stupid and would encourage SHITE

I feel bad too oddly enough becuz while it is kinda an ego trip to know that I intimidating the girl at the end of the day she has him (not that I want him back or anything) and I have no interest in getting him back - a part of me still feels a little twinge knowing that this girl
who I see as being insecure, quiet, plain (I would put de girl at 15) short VERY sheltered
is the girl that he wants to go out with

now for a little self reflection cuz he isn't the first ex to go for that type of girl (on the outset she could be a freak too ya neva know nowadays)

is there something wrong with me that makes my ex's RUN from me?

I asked that question kinda rhetorically but got an answer from an unlikely source

"well you know you're the bomb so a guy could never do better than you"

hehe
while that is VERY egotistical and ignorant to believe

it made me feel just that much better

I feel like my heart is turning into a giant black hole
I have no kinda emotions any more

that's the best thing about summer
everyone comes home!!!
all my friends coming in
yay I love it

***

what is it about men that just makes them so clueless sometimes?
and I'm not talking about a guy who's supposed to be romantically interested in you and in theory SHOULD be in tune with you but clearly that hardly ever happens

but men on a whole are just like I dunno, they have this gene that just blocks any kinda intuition a girl has
its quite sad

case in point
liming with one of my buddies, I mean this guy is like my little brother
sweet no end, can ask him to do things for me and I'd do anything for him

so we talking about the movie Troy
me: no I haven't seen it yet, all the times I was to go with pplz I hadda work
him: man yeah troy is real cool you'll like it Brad Pitt Body is f*cking amazing (no he is not gay, he is just in tune with the kinda things I like and is able to appreciate good looking men and of course he's secure in his masculinity)
me:yeah ok I wouldn't mind seeing it

so LATER the day, I'm like what you doing later?
him: oh not much just chilling

I call de man about a couple hours later
de man in de cinema
what he watching ? you guessed it!
so HOW could he not know that he coulda called me?
I mean yes the thought crossed my mind that he may have been on a flex which is highly doubtful since he has a girlfriend in Trinidad who's coming in, in a few weeks (yes that is my naive faithful always looking for the best in people side)

*sigh*

I just wanna watch Troy!
:(

no money and no man sucks!

an' its worse when your male friends clueless to all hell